Birthday

Dear Diary, 

I tried to sleep. I promise. Even though you might not believe me, I really drank warm milk. I really counted my sheep and I definitely turned off my computer before bedtime. The thought of his eyes, however, keeps coming back to me when I close mine. 

They scream to me that if I tell anyone else what I witnessed I will not live to see another day and I believe them. There is no way in hell that I will speak about this day with anyone - ever. Maybe it was his screaming eyes… or maybe the axe in his hand… that scared me the most. It was probably the axe if I am being honest. The blade was smiling in the moonlight, but the girl beneath it screamed more than any eyes ever could.  

I just wish that I could fall asleep. Now. I wish that I could wake up and forget about the blood and how it… This is not the way I planned to spend my birthday night. To forget my own birthday was not on my wishing list. At least it was not there the last time I checked. Right now I would sell my phone… hell, I would even sell my new headphones if it meant never having to think about the axe again. Or the blood. Or his eyes.

If Frey had told me a week ago that I would spend my 20th birthday alone in bed with my old diary in one hand and a flashlight in the other, I would have declared him insane right then and there. Frey does not know what happened today after he had left, though, and he will never find out either. I have always envied him for a lot of reasons. His skin is always spot-free. Teachers always seem to love him and he is always oh-so-generous. Sometimes Frey gets on my nerves, but I will always love him. He is my best friend no matter what. Having a job at the local fast-food restaurant was not one of the reasons I envied him, though… until today, that is. 

I wish I would have left for work before the party went south. I wish I would have headed south or north or east or west. Anywhere but staying put would have let me sleep peacefully tonight. Stubborn as I was, I had to party until midnight. I remember how I hugged him goodbye as I simultaneously jumped to the sound of electro music in the club. I was clueless about what I was about to witness. 

We were not really allowed in there, but it did not matter to us. It was my birthday and I wanted to celebrate it and so we did. Until we didn’t. And I was happily dancing on my own. 

You would think that the loud music would be stuck in my head by now, but that is where you are wrong. It is not music that keeps ringing in my head. It is the screams… and the silence afterwards. No one talks about the silence as a sound, but I can with certainty say that it is the scariest sound of them all. Much like it is quiet in here. My parents are still at Aunt Sara’s house and they will not be home until tomorrow. I have the apartment to myself and the silence is deafening. 

It is already 3 AM. I just checked on my phone. I cannot believe that I am sitting here wide awake and writing in my diary like I used to when I was younger. It was a much simpler time back then. My diary is proof of that. The pages before this one are filled with pointless gossip and tedious crushes. Hearts and flowers are drawn in the margins.

I feel like I have befouled the diary by writing this. I feel like I have betrayed my younger self in a way that I never thought was possible. The diary was supposed to represent my childhood and innocence. The blood, that stained my shirt earlier, is now polluting these pages (between the lines of course) but polluting them, nonetheless. 

This, however, had to be written somewhere. I have to get it out of my head. Perhaps if I spell it out to myself, I will be able to comprehend it. Perhaps it is only then I can finally fall asleep. Writing texts on paper make you forget it faster… or was it that you remember it better? I cannot recall what Mrs Fruhbaum said all those years ago. I feel like this might be what I needed, though. To pour my feelings and thoughts out on a page instead of keeping it in, helps me relax. I already breath deeper. 

Then again, after what I just witnessed there might not be a "coming-back". I might forever have problems sleeping, as his eyes will always pierce mine when I try to dream away from this reality. There might not be a way to escape it. His eyes. The blood. The axe. I can write as much as I want in this book. Hundreds of pages wasted for nothing. My mind will always remind me of this Saturday evening when I left the nightclub a bit too late. I turned right… then left… then right. As I walked by the park, something out of the ordinary caught my gaze. A man and a woman in an unusual position. The breeze that night was cold, but it was the scream that made my body shiver.

It is past midnight, so I guess it is no longer my birthday. Next year’s birthday will definitely be better. Or at least I hope so. The bar is pretty low.

I could swear I just heard a sound coming from the kitchen. It really startled me and I jumped so high that I hit my head on the bed. Even though it is the last thing I would like to do at this point, I think it would be good to get some ice. 

But what if there is someone in the kitchen? It cannot be him, right? That would be…  Unless he followed me home? Unless he has come to do what he did to her? How could I be stupid enough to think that he would let me go? Or... this is my mind playing tricks on me. I did drink and the birds will soon start to chirp. I should really get some ice and then… I should really get some sleep.