PAST THE SELL BY DATE

PAST THE SELL BY DATE

Yes, I suppose you could say that I’ve been incredibly fortunate. I’m certainly grateful; Phyllis, my sister, too. We’ve led rather a charmed life, seen and experienced things that most people could only dream about. And it’s all down to our father and mother and the extraordinary lives they have lived. So, no, I don’t feel anything but gratitude, thank you very much.

Well, all things have an upside and a downside, don’t they? I mean have you walked around Olympus Mons on Mars? Set up a tent and camped there? No, I didn’t think so. The largest volcano in our solar system, all of 375 miles in diameter. Spectacular, doesn’t even cut it; it’s absolutely phenomenal. Can you even imagine seeing something like that, never mind getting up close and personal?

As far back as I can remember, my parents always took Phyllis and I on their intergalactic work trips. Of course, it was several years before we actually realised what their work entailed exactly but they wanted their children to witness these sights in all their glory and we were filled with wonder.

Oh the list is too long, man. I couldn’t possibly list everything we have seen but, for example, the methane ice shards of Pluto, as tall as skyscrapers. Awe inspiring.

The disappearing island of Titan; 100 square miles that is only visible at certain times. Titan, the Saturn moon. Never heard of it? You amaze me. Well, I’ve not only heard of it but I have also walked on it. You can look it up later. Quite incredible.

I ‘m sure you’ve heard of the Korolev Crater of Mars? Ah, good. Well I have actually skated on its permanently frozen surface. Seriously.

Going back to Titan, and just to emphasise how amazing that particular moon is, we have trekked the sand dunes of Shangri-La Land Sea, some of which are more than 300 feet tall.

My favourite? Well for sheer scale, I suppose it has to be Verona Rupes, the sheer cliff of Uranus. It’s ten times the size of the Grand Canyon which should put things into perspective for you. I abseiled; took me 12 minutes. A truly heart stopping moment.

All these magical things that I have had the good luck to see. None of it would have been possible if we had led “normal” lives back on Earth where the best I could have hoped for was the annual trip to one seaside town or another, endless hours on a beach so crowded that one couldn’t even stretch out one’s limbs properly. No thanks. I’ll gladly take the life my parents gave us anytime. Oh dear, did that portrait of mundane life here on Earth touch a nerve? Sorry, man. I didn’t mean to be rude. Just calling it as it is but it might do you some good to get off this rock sometimes and see space for yourself.

Anyhow, no matter what, at least, I can close my eyes and re-visit all those incredible places that we visited on vacation and whisper a heartfelt thank you to my stupendous parents and their unorthodox line of work, without which none of it would have been remotely possible.

Yes, unorthodox. No, I don’t believe it was anything more than that. I mean, I realise that it’s not everybody’s parents that actually kill for a living but, let’s be real here, can you honestly sit there in front of me and name a single one of their victims that didn’t deserve their fate? Just one. No, I didn’t think so. If it wasn’t some planetary leader turned psycho dictator, then it was a mining chief turned corrupt thief or the like. Space has a way of turning people’s life force inside out, don’t you think? It’s the utter size of the place; mind-blowing.

Fourteen. Yes, it is young, I suppose. But I’d had an inkling for a while. So had Phyllis. In fact, I think it was she who first twigged it. She’d seen or overheard something between our parents but, when she mentioned it to me, it didn’t come as a shock, strangely enough. So, I guess, subliminally, I must have known. My parents never tried to conceal anything from us, it was just never spoken about outright.

After that, I brought the subject up and my father was totally open about everything, explaining that they only disposed of people that the Company contracted them to kill: despots, murderers, thieves, embezzlers etc. It just seemed completely natural that these types should be eliminated and not cost the Company unnecessary expense having them transported back to Earth to stand trial, face imprisonment or whatever the court ruled. Well, it made complete sense to Phyllis and I anyway.

Yes, that’s when our training began. Phyllis? Oh, she was a year older than I, so she would have been fifteen. Yes, I suppose it is a young age but it was only training: the use of various weapons, unarmed combat, physical exercises to increase our bodily strength and stamina. We didn’t actually kill anybody then.

Well, I believe my first kill was when I was eighteen. Yes. Fellow was in charge of the compression of ammonia on Neptune and had been siphoning off a sizeable portion for private sale. I was placed in one of the plants in order to confirm the veracity of our tipoff and execute once proven. No, I don’t care to elaborate on my method, thanks. Suffice to say that the job was dealt with professionally.

No, neither of my parents accompanied me. No, nor Phyllis. By that time, my skills were perfectly honed and there were no concerns on anybody’s part that I wouldn’t do a first rate job.

Downsides? Well, as I said earlier, there are always downsides as well as upsides; part and parcel of any profession, I imagine. With us, the greatest negative has been the cryosleep; I believe you might call it hyper sleep? Interplanetary travel is impossible without it, of course but, well, it takes its toll. It’s a technical achievement that has not yet been perfected and, each time one uses it, one will notice significant changes in ageing. There’s simply no avoiding it and, the first time, that I really noticed it, I received a significant shock to my system; not only witnessing my own appearance in a mirror but, also, seeing my parents and my sister close up, face to face.

Well, as that file you have in front of you will confirm, right now, in Earth years, I am twenty two years of age. Yes, I know, hard to believe isn’t it? You’re looking at me and seeing the face of a man in his late fifties. Grey hair, wrinkles, right? It’s crazy, man. I mean, internally, I think like a young man but I am only too aware that I look way older.

It’s another reason why it was so important that my sister and I started taking over the majority of assignments so that my parents could “retire” so to speak. I mean, they are only in their early fifties but, as you saw, they look like a couple in their eighties. They are just incapable of performing any kind of assassination but their advice and experience is invaluable to me.

Yes. Naturally, I am fully aware that it is only a matter of time before I, too, am unable to function at an elite level but there’s life in the old dog yet, I can assure you. No, I have never, not for one moment, thought about having my parents euthanised, so don’t even go there, okay? They gave myself and my sister the most amazingly privileged upbringing one could imagine. Now it’s my turn to do the same for them. They won’t be around for too much longer and, hopefully, they will pass peacefully, painlessly in cryosleep en route to yet another of the wonders of our solar system. I’m prepared for that. When we lost Phyllis, it hit all three of us really badly but, if anything, it brought us all closer together.

Yes, thank you. I appreciate that. I really do. She was quite unique and what happened was a tragedy. No, she had completed her task but her Primary Life Support System malfunctioned as she was returning to her station. These things happen, of course, but it was a severe blow.

It doesn’t actually help having to return to Earth for this annual assessment, you know, especially mom and dad. I mean, as I explained, the more time we spend in cryosleep, the more of a toll it takes on us physically. No, I wasn’t being critical of the Company’s hyper sleep machines; just pointing out that the system is not yet perfect. What? I most certainly did not criticise the Company’s Primary Life Support Systems. I simply said that the system malfunctioned in my sister’s case...What do you mean I have been totally unhelpful? I’ve been nothing but cooperative. Of course I don’t object to my annual assessment, man. I was just saying...Hey, where are they taking my parents? What the hell do you mean I failed my medical? Hey, what’s with the handcuffs, man?