Another Day at the Zoo

“Clarence, where are you, big guy?”

Oh please, it’s not like you can’t see me lying on this platform you give me. Every day, it’s the same thing. Clarence, Clarence. That’s my name. Don't wear it out. I might as well stretch and get up. After all, there should be some nice red meat being served up soon. I jump down from the platform and walk to the door that lets me out of this boring cage. I’ll get to see my girls too.

“There’s my buddy. How you doing, big guy?”

I yawn big at Steve. He’s the guy that will open the door for me. Buddy, my ass. I’m no buddy’s buddy. Just once, I’d like to lock Steve inside here. That would be fun. I chuckle to myself with that picture in my head.

The door slides open and because I feel like being a pain in the ass, I take my time walking out. I stop midway through and just swish my tail a few times.

“Come on, Clarence, out you go.”

Whatever, Steve. I continue out the door and I smell all the delicious aromas in the air. I can smell the popcorn in the building that sits next to my kingdom. What I wouldn’t give to have a bucket of that someday. Further away I can smell hamburgers grilling. Oh, that’s making me starving.

Hey Steve, when’s breakfast? Come on, big guy, bring it out.

“Good morning, Clarence.”

“Good morning, Anita. You’re looking might fine today.

“You say the same thing to Naomi and Ellie.”

“Well, all my girls look might fine. Nothing but the best for Clarence.”

“Hey, Pops!”

“Oww! How many times do I have to tell you to not jump on my back, Lial?”

“Aww Dad, you’re no fun.”

“Come here Lial, it’s too early for you to bother your father.”

“Naomi, you need to teach that boy to show me respect.”

“Yes, your highness. Whatever you say.”

“Hey look, that guy in the funny boots is on top of the rock.”

“Ah, finally breakfast. Lial, that is Steve. He brings us the food we eat. That way, we don’t eat him.”

“Come here, Lial. I’ll show you how us men get the best meat.”

“Woo-hoo! I’m going with my dad!”

“Clarence, just be careful that Lial doesn’t get hurt.”

“He’s my son. No one is going to hurt him.” And just to be sure everyone remembers that, I roar.

“Cool Dad, someday will I be able to roar like that?”

“Not for a long time. Now eat.”

It’s not long after that the first people show up to look at us. I wonder if they realize how silly they look standing out there, pointing at us. I’m going to take a nap. That will make them move on. They want us to do tricks. It’s too early in the day for tricks.

“Hey lion, you’re as lazy as my cat at home.”

Oh delightful, another smart ass. Your cat at home is plotting your demise, pal. This sun is really warm. I think this nap will be a long one.

“Raarr! Mom, I just roared at the lions.”

Yay, give that kid a medal. Maybe I should roar and scare the crap out of that kid.

“Clarence, the crowds are getting bigger. Should we do anything?”

“Anita, you do what you want. I’m tired of entertaining these humans.”

“Come on, Naomi and Lira. We’ll play with the ball.”

“Hey knock yourself out. Ellie, you can sit near me.”

“Oh, I’m so honored, your highness.”

“Dad, look at me roll with the ball.”

“Why does Naomi look bored with rolling the ball at Lial?”

“I don’t know, Ellie. Maybe she’s tired like I am of entertaining these bozos.”

“You could get off your haunches and walk around. Or let Lial chase you across the rocks. It wouldn’t kill you.”

“Maybe. I’ll give it some thought.”

I’m going to take another nap. Looks like the ladies and Lial are going to nap too.

“Mitch, look at that lion’s balls. Bet you never seen a set that big.”

“Trevor, grow up.”

Everything is upside down when I open one of my eyes. I must be on my back again. It will be fun to scare these teenagers. Standing up, I run down the rocks, headed towards the boys who just spoke. They are easier to scare than the young kids.

“Shit, that lion’s charging towards us. Come on, guys.”

I stop at the edge of the grass and roar again. Those two guys and their friends are already down past the popcorn stand. Scaredy cats! I sit and look around at the crowd standing by the fence. Everyone is snapping pictures of me. They need a show. I stand up and shake my mane out. Everyone oohs and ah’s. Sitting back down, I flip my tail to wrap around my front paws. Then I let just the end of it wag. The look on the people’s faces shows they like it.

“Hey, Clarence, are you done putting on your beauty show?”

“Ellie told me I should come up with new ways to entertain.”

“You don’t have too much of an ego, do you?”

“Naomi, I have to set a good image for our son.”

“Whatever, Clarence.”

I’m tired of sitting here, though it is nice and shady. Maybe I’ll just take a little nap.

“Hey, Dad, do you want to wrestle?” Opening one eye I see Lial sitting in front of me. In the blink of an eye, I take my paw and tip him over. He does a somersault. But he’s a fast little cub, and he jumps on my back. “I got you, Dad!”

I roll to one side and he slides off. He hops back up and sticks his face in mine. “Dad, that was fun. Can we do it again?”

“Sure.” I roll back to my stomach and Lial jumps on my back. I turn over and he slides off. The crowd claps.

“Hey Dad, the people like that.”

“They are easily entertained, son.” Before I can finish my statement, Lial has jumped back up onto my back, but now, he sits on the top of my head. He lets out what he thinks is a roar, but it’s more of a meow.

“Dad, I’m king of the jungle. I’m sitting on top of you, so that makes me king.”

“That you are, Lial. Why don’t we take a nap?”

Lial gets himself comfortable in my mane and together we take a nap.

“Mommy, look how cute that is. The baby lion is sleeping on his dad.”

The high pitched voice causes me to open one eye. These people can never let a poor lion sleep. Would they like it if I came to their house and talked while they were trying to nap? The bathroom is where I need to go. Lial falls down my back as I sit up. I do my best cat stretch and walk back to the rocks and relieve myself. I don’t know why, but the crowd always seems to enjoy seeing that. Sick people, that’s what they are. I jump up on my rock again and contemplate life. Who am I kidding? I’m a lion. I think I’ll take a nap.

“Clarence, we got a situation here.”

I open my eyes, and I see Anita, Naomi, and Ellie standing up on alert. Their tails hanging low with barely a twitch. Lial is hiding under Naomi’s body.

“Jeremy, where are you? Jeremy?” I look at the lady screaming for her son. Then I see what has the girls on alert. A kid is in the tree that rises from the canyon. How the hell did he get there?

“Mom, help!”

“Jeremy, hold on, baby. We’re getting help.”

So this Jeremy kid has somehow gotten past the high fence and grabbed the branches of the tree. Great. If one of us lunges, we’ll be the bad guy. But nothing is going to happen to precious Jeremy. I better get closer to see.

“Clarence, what are you going to do?”

“Chill ladies. I’m just going to get a little closer to the tree.”

“Clarence, are you going to scare him?”

“No Anita, he did that all on his own.”

“Mommy, help! The lion is going to eat me.”

I stop and look at the crowd. Many of them are taking pictures. I look up at the tree, and I see Jeremy hanging on to a branch that’s going to snap off. He’s crying and wishing he had listened to his mother and not run off. If Jeremy falls out of the tree to his left, he will fall into the canyon. If he falls to the right, he’ll hit the ground hard. Maybe that would knock some sense into him.

“Anita, Ellie, I need you to walk slowly over here, and lie down near the edge of the canyon. We have to hope he doesn’t fall that way.”

“Are you sure about this?”

“No, but we don’t want to be blamed if this kid dies.”

The girls walk around in a big arc and lie down next to the edge.

“Oh my God, what are those lions doing?” I hear the crowd’s gasps and whispers.

“Lie down, stretch out head to feet.”

The girls do that, and I hear murmurs from the crowd. “Where is the keeper? Do you think they’ll have to shoot the lions? Say what?? Maybe they can dart them?”

“Naomi, I need you to come over here and lie down on the opposite side. Lial, you stay with your mother.”

The crowd gets riled up again as Naomi walks down and takes her position. I walk closer to the tree and look into the tear-streaked face of this kid. He’s gripping hard, but he’s sliding down the branch. I walk under the kid, lie down and stretch out and just in the of nick of time, too. The branch breaks and I’m hit with flailing arms and legs. He’s screaming, but he’s alive. The crowd gasps as he falls from the tree.

The kid is in shock and doesn’t get off of me. That’s when Lial walks up to him and licks his face.

“Be easy with him Lial, he’s afraid of us.”

Lial thinks he’s a new playmate and starts pouncing on him.

Then all hell breaks loose and our yard has vet staff, medical staff, security and firefighters. Someone is holding a gun at us. Steve moves closer to us. He’s got meat for us. Hey, thanks Steve, I could use a snack. The other keepers are keeping their distance.

“Girls, move over to the rocks.” They get up slowly and walk away from everyone. Jeremy is now petting Lial. I wish he’d get off my back.

“Jeremy, are you okay, baby?”

“Mom, look, the kitten likes me. Can I take him home?”

“Jeremy, I’m from the fire department. We are going to get you away from the lion and back to your mom. Just hold on a bit.”

“Okay, but don’t worry, the lion won’t bite us.”

“We don’t want to take any chances.”

“Dad, he’s squishing me.”

“Hold on, buddy. The people are going to take him home.”

Jeremy stands up, and my back is instantly relieved. He looks at me lying on the ground.

“Thanks, lion, for not eating me. Here’s your baby.” He drops Lial on top of me.

You're welcome, you little monster. Now get out of our home.

He scampers towards the men in the big coats and red hats. One of them is quick to grab him, and they make haste to get him out. The crowd cheers and claps.

“Hey dad, that was pretty cool, huh?”

“Yes, Lial, it was pretty cool. Can you get off your old man? I need a nap.”