There's a Grizzly on the Plane

People are shuffling down the aisle of the plane, scooting one step at a time, shoving things in the overhead compartment, elbowing and kneeing each other as they throw themselves down into their seats. The flight attendants are smiling brightly and saying, “Good morning, good morning, good morning,” to each passenger in turn as they enter the plane. The captain is there with them. I take a good look at him.

I know this guy. Kind of a wimp. That’s why I knew this was the right flight. I think his name is Cameron. When I press the barrel of this gun against his head he’ll do anything I say. One man with a gun can do anything. I give him a little wink. I’ll see you soon.

It’s easy to get around airport security when you work at an airport. This is gonna be my final flight. And the final flight for all these people too. I’m not gonna shoot them all. Maybe just a few. Might as well. But most of them are going out with a real bang. Not me, though. Gonna shoot myself right before we crash. 

My seat is 32F, so here we go, almost there, and…I stop. I see it, but..I can’t… There…There’s…what? No. Yes! There’s…there’s a goddamn grizzly bear sitting in a seat! Buckled in! A woman sitting next to him is feeding him pink bits of something from a bowl. The bear is huge, but somehow fits in the seat like it was custom made. It’s sitting straight up in the seat! Buckled in!

How? What? The woman caught me staring.

“Ooo, sorry. He doesn’t like to be stared at.”

The bear is staring at me with deep brown eyes. Dark brown fur. Huge paws, long claws. It starts snorting and moaning and I shake my head and keep walking to my seat. I look around and everyone else seems to be fine with this. How did I not see the bear walk onto the plane? Why is no one else freaking out about this?

I find 32F and I look back to the bear, who’s a few rows ahead. The bear turns its head and looks back at me. I turn my head away and drop down into my seat. The bear turned around and the woman next to it gave it another morsel. A man sits down next to me and says, “Hello, there.”

“Do you see that,” I said.

“Oh, yeah, we’ve got a full plane today. That’s good luck, you know.”

“No, not that. The…” I point.

“What?”

“The…BEAR,” I said so loud that a few people turned around and looked at me.

“Oh, yeah, he’s a cute guy, isn’t he?”

“That’s insane!” I tried whispering, but I know everyone heard me. 

“Shouldn’t be a problem.” 

The guy sits down and starts looking at his phone. Just like that. I look around and see others doing the same. I see people reading books, eating snacks, whatever. Nobody, I mean nobody is freaking out over the goddamn grizzly bear sitting in 25B! 

“Sir, I’ll need to place your bag in the overhead compartment,” says a flight attendant.

“No, this is my carry on.” My gun is in here.

“Sorry, sir, but new safety procedures say we need all bags placed in the overhead bin for takeoff. Once we reach cruising altitude, you can get your bag.”

She reaches over to take my bag from my lap but I hold onto it.

“Sir, please,” she says with a firm pull. I pull back. She’s not letting go. We’re having a small tug of war over my neighbor’s lap.

“Let her have the bag. Just doing her job,” says my nonchalant neighbor.

I let go and she opened the compartment over my seat.

“Oh, we’re all full here. Let’s see.” She’s opening compartments down the line, away from me. “Here we are. Sir, I’m placing your bag right here.”

Right above the bear. How did the bear get on here? How did it fit on the plane? Why does the bear have an aisle seat? WHY IS THERE A BEAR ON THE PLANE? WHY IS NO ONE FREAKING OUT? She shuts the compartment and walks towards the front of the plane. We’ll be taking off soon.

“You look nervous, son. Is this your first flight,” asks the man next to me.

“No. I’ve flown lots of times.” This was supposed to be the last time. 

The attendants are doing their usual pre-flight routine of instructing people how to put their seatbelts together and how to put on the emergency oxygen masks. I guess the bear doesn’t need any help. Its caretaker is sitting right next to it. The seat belt fits so I guess they have a special bear mask, too. Wouldn’t want the wild animal to get hurt, now would we?

Focus. It’s just an animal, after all. It’ll be the first thing I shoot. I’ve got a machine gun, so I’ll just spray it with a dozen bullets or so. That should keep the rest of the idiots in their seats. Then I’m back in charge. Bear looks calm anyway. Shouldn’t be hard. Today is my day. Nothing is going to change this. 

The pilot tells us on the overhead that we’re ready for take off. The bear made a low growl and the woman next to it scratched behind his ears, soothing it. The plane starts moving down the runway. Normally this part of flying doesn’t bother me, but today I’m gripping my armrests. The acceleration picks up and the plane’s engines get louder. I’m staring at the back of the bear’s head, which is completely still, like some damn taxidermy project that had its own ticket. 

The wheels of the plane leave the ground and we are in the air. I’m in a window seat so I turn my head to look out, hoping it will calm me down, knowing that all is going according to plan, except for the bear. All I have to do is get the bag, kill the bear, shoot that bitch that brought him on here, too, maybe a few more people, just for fun. Then up to the cockpit with a hostage on the bad end of the barrel to make my way in. I’ll tell the captain that we’re making an unexpected detour, right into the middle of the nearest city. Right before we crash, I’ll shoot myself.

We have to wait before we reach cruising altitude, then I can move about freely. Then we’ll have about 30-40 minutes before we get close to the nearest big city. Enough time to feel like God before dying. I’m watching through the window, still gripping the armrests.

“Looks like you need a drink of water,” says the man next to me. 

I realize my forehead is covered with sweat.

“Yeah, I guess I could,” I say, wiping my forehead. I look back and see that the goddamn bear is reclining in its seat. Person behind it doesn’t seem to mind. Just then the bear turned around and looked at me. I turned back to the window. Even over the sound of the plane’s engines, I can hear the bear smacking its lips followed by another low rumbling growl. Almost like it’s annoyed by me.

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to fuck up your day.

I must have gotten lost in the window as the next time I looked up the snack cart was being pushed down the aisle by an attendant. What’s the bear gonna have? A cookie? Water or Coke? When that cart gets behind me, I’m gonna get up and get over there and grab my bag. I’ll take a can of Coke when she gets here. 

Now she’s asking the woman next to the bear if she’ll have anything. The woman takes a cookie and a cup of water. The bear got nothing. I guess it’s full. 

Come on, come on. Hurry up.

She’s taking her sweet time pushing that cart down the aisle. My jaw is clenched tight. Like a bear trap. Alright, here she is. Finally.

“Would you like anything, sir,” she asks the man next to me. 

“Yes, a water for myself and for my friend here.”

“No thank you, I'll have a Coke.” 

“Oh, nonsense. You sweating like that? You need a water. Two waters please.”

The woman poured two waters and I gulped mine down in one drink before she even left. 

“Would you like another,” she asks.

“No. I want a Coke.”

She hands me the red can and I chug half of it. The sugar and caffeine hit my brain like ice water. I put the can down and the bear is staring at me again. The attendant pushes the cart down to the row behind us. It’s time now. The bear is still looking back at me. I’ll give it a minute. Finish my drink. 

“You know, I had a bear like that when I was younger,” said the man next to me.

“What?”

“Oh yeah. His name was Popper. Great bear. You ever had a bear?”

“No I fucking haven’t.”

I’m gonna kill this son of a bitch too, right after the bear. 

The bear is still staring at me and now I’m staring back. I finish my can of Coke and crunch it in my hand. I’m in control here. It’s time. Now. Right now. Let’s go. I unbuckle my seat belt and stumble across my neighbor’s knees, almost falling into the opposite row. A lot of people notice and are now watching me, but the bear is now looking straight ahead, unaware of me. I think. 

It’s cool. Just a few steps, open the compartment, and start blasting. This is my day and nothing is going to screw it up. The aisle seems a mile long and it’s taking all my willpower to pick up my feet for every step. I make it to the compartment, the bear sitting right next to me. I reach up to open the hatch and-

“Excuse me,” says the woman with the bear. “Could you hand me my bag. It’s in there. I need something from it.”

“Is it for the bear,” I ask. I didn’t mean to but it slipped.

“No, it’s just a book for me to read.”

I can smell the bear. Deep pine woods. Its huge paw is brushing against my leg. It’s just the fur touching me but I see the long claws. I open the compartment and there’s my bag, right in front of hers. One quick draw and I could shoot the bear. Just unload the whole fucking clip into him and forget the rest. Make my way to the cockpit and-

The bear’s huge paw falls from the armrest and the claws scrape my leg. I fall back into someone’s lap, with my heart in my throat. I look at the bear and it's still in its seat, eyes closed. Breathing deep. That low rumble which is louder than the engines.

“Oh, sorry about that. He’s just sleeping.”

“Sir, excuse me,” says the flight attendant with the cart. She’s finished handing out cookies and Cokes and now wants to go back to the front. With the look on her face, I believe she would run me over if she could. She grabbed the lady’s bag and handed it to her and closed the compartment. 

“I need something out of there,” I say. 

“Yes, sir, I’ll-” she stops and nearly falls over her cart as the plane has hit sudden turbulence. I bump into the person sitting behind me, opposite the compartment.

“Sir, get back to your seat.”

“I just need-”

“Sir, you need to get back to your seat!”

The plane bumps and shakes and now the bear is awake and growling. The woman hands him some pink bit out of a container which I can now see is fish. Salmon. The bear snacks and smacks but still makes that growling sound, making an awful mixture of sounds. The attendant has pulled the cart backwards down the aisle leaving me an open path to my seat. The bear looks at me with salmon hanging from its jaws so I crawl and stumble back to my seat.

“Buckle up, it’s a bumpy ride!” says the idiot sitting next to me. I’m going to kill the bear, then him, then the attendant, then the woman. I buckle my belt and still my head slams into the window. People are screaming, kids are crying, the plane is bumping and rattling. 

The captain’s voice comes over the speaker, saying, “Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats, we are experiencing extreme turbulence.”

The bear is growling and tossing in its seat. The woman tries to feed it more salmon but the bear isn’t having it. He swats away her hand with a huge paw and the pink salmon goes flying across the plane. The bear tosses and turns and rumbles harder than the plane and breaks free. The goddamn thing has gotten out of its chair! 

I have to go now. I unbuckle my seatbelt and the moron next to me says, “You don’t wanna do that, son!” I punch him in the mouth, just so I know I got him one good time before this is over. I’ll take this bear down with the rest of them. I brace myself against the seats and I take small steps with firm feet, and make my way to the compartment. 

The bear is squeezed in the aisle on all fours, bouncing off the seats, but mostly steady. Facing away from me, good. Almost there. I grab the seat it used to sit in, and I open the compartment. I unzip my bag and I see the machine gun. It’s already loaded. All I have to do is grab it and open fire. Never killed an animal before. It’s kinda like a bonus.

The plane has settled. No more turbulence. Everything is still and smooth and I hear the bear make a noise. I turn to see it facing me. On all fours it’s half as tall as me. 

“Oh my, thank you, thank you. Please, help him to his seat,” says the woman. “He just loses his temper when there’s turbulence.” I look back to the bear who’s looking at me with deep brown eyes. 

“Just take his paw and help him to his seat. I’d help you, but I hurt my ankle in all the trouble. Just take his paw.”

I don’t know why, but I stick out my hand. The bear puts its paw out and softly lights on my palm. It makes some kind of noise that I can’t figure out if it’s aggressive or friendly. I slowly back up, keeping my eyes on the bear as it walks towards its seat. The bear sits down and she buckles him in and the whole plane starts clapping. They’re saying “Aww,” and “How sweet,” and whatever else.

Are you fucking kidding me?

The captain’s voice over the speaker says, “Ladies and gentlemen, we seem to be in the clear now, but I am asking that you remain in your seats for the remainder of the flight. Thank you.”

“Sir,” that goddamn attendant again. She appeared like a fucking ghost. “Please return to your seat.” 

I’m so goddamn flabbergasted I don’t know what to do. Just…whatever. I shut the compartment. I take my seat. The guy sitting next to me is holding his mouth but pulls his hand down to say, “Good job, back there. I forgive ya for socking me. We all get a little emotional sometimes under pressure. It takes a brave man to do what you did. Risking yourself for that poor animal. I’m sure he appreciates you.” 

I don’t know what to say to that. I look out the window and see the big city, so small way down below us. I watch as clouds fill the window and blot out the city with pure white. I look back at the bear, who’s looking back at me. I stayed in my seat for the rest of the flight, grabbed my bag, and de-boarded the plane, not one bullet fired.