Clearing Closets

The Wellon County Youth Center looked just like it did ten years ago when Leigh last had the misfortune of stepping inside its shabby brick walls. She spent most of the summer before her senior year of highschool here and had stayed as far away as possible since. Her therapist called it "avoidant behavior;" she preferred to think of it as self-preservation. Yet here she was, back in her hometown, willingly volunteering at the youth center that had brought her so much grief. 'It didn't feel like grief at the time,' an unhelpful voice in the back of her mind supplied, ‘and it’s not like it was the building’s fault.’

Steeling herself, she pushed open the door and stepped inside. Leigh shivered slightly at the sudden blast of air conditioning and untied the flannel from her waist so she could shrug it on. She could remember sweating profusely as she chased one of those summer camp brats down the exact hallway now stretching in front of her, back when it was an unconditioned and poorly funded hellhole. Now, the hallway was painted a cheerful pastel green. The linoleum floors looked clean and the walls proudly displayed colorful kids artwork alongside inspirational posters about perseverance and empathy. Leigh snorted. A fresh coat of paint and some empty platitudes didn’t mean shit.

“Can I help you?” Leigh startled, seeing for the first time that there was a person at the front desk to her right.

“Yeah, sorry, I’m a community volunteer,” Leigh explained, walking over to the desk. The person just stared at her with that blank sort of customer service smile that doesn’t reach the eyes.  “I’m supposed to be helping out at the True Colors thing today?”

“Oh, great. I’ll show you where they’re setting things up.” As they stood up from the desk, Leigh noticed their name tag read ‘Kai, they/them.’ “It’s just down the hall a bit, follow me.”

“Thanks,” Leigh mumbled, not wanting to explain that she already knew exactly where she was supposed to go, opting instead to just follow Kai down the hallway. The walk was short and familiar, stirring up memories that Leigh stuffed back down with a practiced sort of ease that comes with the territory of growing up repressed, Irish catholic, and gay.

“Here you go,” Kai pushed hard on the metal bar and swung open the door, stepping inside first to hold it open for Leigh. She took a deep breath, nodded her thanks to Kai, and stepped forward.

Leigh barely stifled a disbelieving laugh as she took a look around. The room looked like a unicorn had thrown up all over it, or possibly like they were hosting a leprechaun convention. Everything was rainbow: the tablecloths, the napkins, the streamers and the plastic cups. Even the banner, reading ‘True Colors: LGBTQ+ Youth Support and Mentorship Program, was written in big, sparkly, rainbow bubble letters. It was the sort of event that even a few years ago, Leigh might have run screaming from. She couldn’t imagine coming to an event like this when she was just a teenager.

Leigh spotted a group of adults gathered at the front of the room, struggling to set up the ancient folding chairs around the rainbow clad tables. She walked over, anxiously running through her introductions in her head, and grabbed a chair from the folded stack.

“Hi there, are you a volunteer?” Leigh turned around to introduce herself, and promptly dropped the chair she was holding directly onto her foot.

“Fuck!” Leigh swore, doubling over and grabbing her bare aching toes while inwardly cursing her decision to wear Birkenstocks today. She was strangely grateful for the pain though, as it was currently providing the perfect distraction from the terrifying fact that Melina Aquino was now standing in front of her, putting her hand on her shoulder and asking if she was alright.

“Fuck,” Leigh swore again, completely at a loss for what to say. Melina, the pretty new girl in town with dark eyes, tiny diamond earrings, and a friendly smile. Melina, the girl who kissed her in the bathroom down the hall from here 10 years ago and told her it was alright. Melina, the girl who made her feel brave enough to tell her parents she was gay that summer. Melina, the girl who then proceeded to ignore her existence at school that year, who told her it was better if they kept their relationship secret anyways.

Leigh looked up at Melina and saw the sudden recognition in the woman’s eyes. Melina looked almost the same as she did back then, with long dark brown hair falling in soft curls around a kind face, and tiny glittering studs in her ears. But there were small lines at the corners of her brown eyes now, as well as a very distracting glittering nose ring dangling from her right nostril. Leigh slowly stood to face her, toes still throbbing, dreading whatever conversation they were about to have, and unable to stop thinking about the summer they spent working in this room together.

“Leigh?” She asked, her eyes searching Leigh’s face. She noticed Melina looking at her hair, shaved around the sides and slicked back, so different from the long brown braids she had when they were together. Melina suddenly pulled Leigh into a hug. Leigh flinched, instinctively shrinking away from the very public display, as Melina said, “Oh my gosh, it’s so good to see you! How long has it been?”

“I think the last time was graduation,” Leigh said, detangling herself from Melina’s embrace. Leigh tactfully did NOT mention the actual last time she had seen Melina; she was sure both of them could remember their breakup pretty clearly.

“Well, you look great,” Melina said, smiling and tucking her hair behind one ear. Leigh could feel her heart pounding as old memories flooded her mind. What was Melina doing here?

“Thanks,” was all Leigh could manage in response. She fought against the blush she could feel coloring her cheeks by stooping down to pick up the folding chair she had dropped. Leigh could feel the eyes of the other volunteers on them, but no one seemed willing to approach them and save Leigh from having to talk to her high school girlfriend.

“God, it’s so great to see you,” Melina repeated, still just smiling at Leigh and not explaining why on earth she was here. Did her therapist set this up, so that Leigh would have to confront their relationship? Was the universe just trying to punish her? Her thoughts were spiraling as the silence grew longer and longer.

“Yeah,” Leigh said, gathering her folding chair in her arms like it could shield her from this conversation. “Why are you here?” she blurted out, before she could think of a better way to phrase it.

“Oh,” Melina looked past Leigh at the rainbow decorations like she had just remembered where they were. “I’m the Event Manager for True Colors.” She pointed at the nametag on her chest: ‘Melina, she/her, Lesbian. Event Manager.’

“Which reminds me,” Melina said, brushing past Leigh still clutching the chair, “You need a nametag!” Melina walked over to a table with a roll of nametag stickers and permanent markers. Leigh slowly followed her over, unfolding the chair and leaving it beside an empty table. But she still doesn’t look gay, Leigh’s stupid brain said as she approached, eyeing her dark wash jeans, black flats, and yellow boatneck t-shirt critically. Didn’t stop her back then, Leigh thought darkly before correcting herself, Femmes can be lesbians too.

“Sorry, do you still go by Leigh?” Melina asked, turning around with a marker in hand. Leigh saw she had already started writing her name on one of the nametags.

“Yep, still Leigh, still a woman, and still a raging dyke if you couldn’t tell,” Leigh answered, smirking and gesturing at herself. Melina laughed, and Leigh found herself joining in. She took a deep breath while Melina finished filling out the nametag, having recovered somewhat from the shock and anxiety. It seemed that sarcasm and humor was still one of Leigh’s favorite coping mechanisms.

“What are the odds that we meet again here, of all places?” Melina asked, having finished filling out the nametag. She peeled the white label off of the sheet and turned, stepping into Leigh’s space to press the nametag into place but hesitating at the last moment.

“Seems like just yesterday we were sweating our asses off at summer camp here,” Leigh said, not flinching away this time. She lifted her hand, her chewed fingers brushing well-manicured ones, and pressed the nametag firmly onto her chest. “Except now we’re even gayer and this place finally installed AC.”

Melina's laugh made Leigh swell with pride. After all this time, she could still make her laugh.

"I'll admit, it was one of the first things I checked when I was booking this place. No amount of sentimentality would convince me to come back here otherwise." Leigh smiled at her,  trying to fit her memory of the stressed out, extremely closeted, image obsessed valedictorian with the confident gay woman now standing in front of her. 

"How'd you end up as an event planner?" Leigh asked, curiosity winning out over fear. "I thought the plan was to become a nurse." Melina chuckled, looking down.

"My mother's plan, you mean," she said, with a sad sort of smile.

"Ah yes, and how is Mrs. Benilda Aquino?" Leigh asked, because of course she remembered the full name of her first girlfriend's mother. 

"Don't know," Melina's smile disappeared. Leigh winced, kicking herself internally. 

"Sorry," Leigh apologized.

"Not your fault," she said, shaking her head. "I used to think it was, though." She looked up and held Leigh's gaze. "I'm sorry, for how I treated you." 

Leigh felt glued to the spot. This was the apology she had always wanted, and yet she wasn't jumping for joy, saying I told you so. 

"I'm sorry too," Leigh said, "I pressured you -"

"I needed to be pressured! After you left, I came out to my mom. I left home and never looked back." Melina's eyes were wide and intense. Leigh couldn't look away.

"We're looking back now."