My True Love

On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me, A Partridge in a Pear Tree

The beginnings of the widely known Christmas carol drifted over the sounds of the bustling café. It never failed to remind me of my staunch catholic grandma who made sure that I knew the real meaning behind the song. The 12 days of Christmas where the liturgical season of Christmas and “my true love” was Jesus. So was the partridge, a kind of bird that sacrifice its life to save its children. The song was a mnemonic device for catholic children to sing and remember the theological framework when Catholicism was banned in England in the 1500s. My grandma loved it, and I loved her.

My true love sat down across from me with our coffee orders, temporarily dispelling the cloud of fresh baked snickerdoodles, chess games, and heartbreak that accompanied thoughts of my grandma.

“One awful sugary concoction for you, and one wonderfully plain latte for me.”

“Life isn’t sweet, so we eat sugar” I say solemnly. It’s a thing my grandma used to say. David knows this.

“C’mon hon. Don’t do that to yourself,” he says softly. “It’s Christmas Eve. We’re gonna have fun today remember?”

“Yeah,” I smile at him weakly remembering our agreement from this morning. A quiet morning, he’d sprung an early Christmas gift on me. A golden ring and a bended knee. Before he could say anything the first words out of my mouth were it’s not right. I saw the pain in his eyes and I still ran, locking myself in the bathroom and hyperventilating. After a while David was knocking on the door. Saying let’s not talk about it. Saying lets just have fun.

On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me, 2 Turtle Doves and a Partridge in a Pear Tree

Two turtle doves represent the Old and New Testaments. Grandma used to say the old testament was just as important as the new, reading verses from both as I licked the spoon and bowl clean. She was my best friend growing up. My mom and dad were always working so I spent a lot of time at my grandparents’ house. Grandpa was your traditional, tough love kinda guy. The you know he loves you but he didn’t show it kinda deal. So I spent most of my time with grandma.

The proposal had come up a second time.

“Why wasn’t it right this morning?” He whispered.

 I lied. “David, I just … I was just tired from working overtime and caught off guard. It wasn’t how I was expecting things to go that’s all.”

 “What about now?”

“Really? How is now any different?” I tried to keep the sharpness out of my voice. And failed miserably. The silence that followed could have frozen all the circles of hell.

“How about this for the white elephant?” David asked. We’d been shopping for the perfect gift for my family’s Christmas eve party all morning. I could tell he was getting tired of shopping, and probably tired of my silence too.

“It’s fine.”

On the third day of Christmas my true love sent to me, 3 French Hens, 2 Turtle Doves, and a Partridge in a Pear Tree

The three French hens are faith, hope and love. It was this particular lesson Grandma used to say gave her life and strength, made her conviction in the church so strong. I never stopped believing in God when I got older, but I definitely had no faith in the church left. I had faith in David though. He loves me for every imperfection that I hate. He kisses the top of my head when we watch movies and he’s terrified of spiders. He takes his niece to her baseball practice every Saturday and gets so mad when his favorite teams are losing he won’t talk to anyone. I cook and he does the dishes. He cooks and he still does the dishes because there is nothing I despise more than dishes. He’s perfect. I want to say yes but what would grandma say? She would hate the fact we’re even living together.

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love sent to me: 4 Calling Birds

The four calling birds are the Gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. Matthew 22:39 says to love thy neighbor. This is the first time I’ve brought David to Christmas Eve. Will everyone love him? I hope so. My family usually has the big Christmas Eve party in the afternoon so everyone can have their own plans for the evening.

“Jamie!” My name is shrieked from across the room by none other than Alice, my literal neighbor and my best friend growing up.

“How are you?” she says enveloping me in a much-needed hug.

“I’m great”

“You know I can tell when you’re lying.” But I still don’t answer her question. Her eyes follow mine to where David is conversing animatedly with my geeky cousin Charlie. Probably star wars.

“Ooooh, is that him? Is that David?”

“Yeah that’s him.” Even to myself my voice sounds sad and pathetic. Wistful.

“Uh-oh. Not all sunshine and rainbows then?”

“No David is great. I just, I’m afraid what my folks will think.”

“Well you know if it doesn’t work out the offer to get married for tax purposes still stands.”

“Is that a proposal?”

“Indeed it is.” Alice grins cheekily.

“Believe it or not that’s my third proposal of the day.”

“WHAT?!”

“Time to open presents!” My mothers melodious, people pleaser voice rises out above all the others and saves me from the look of betrayal on Alice’s voice that I did not share this crucial information with her immediately.

As always the white elephant exchange is a hit. Everyone is laughing so hard it hurts, tears running into glasses of wine and spiked eggnog. Best of all David is at the center of it, everyone does seem to love him. He actually made my Grandpa laugh so hard his belly hurt. It almost made all my fear disappear. Almost.

“Okay. Everyone! If I could have your attention please! I have one more gift to give.” David stands up to make a speech and I feel dread creep up my spine and seize my heart.

“Jamie is the best friend, best kind of person I could ever ask for. Kind, compassionate, and a psychopath when it comes to making sure making sure the colors of my laundry are sorted.” Everyone laughs and I can hear my mother whisper how sweet. David continues on, but I can’t hear him. I haven’t talked to my grandmother all night, haven’t even looked at her. But I’m looking now. I can see the dread on her face too. She knows what’s coming just as well as I.

“Jamie, love of my life, will you marry me?”

There are no gasps or shrieks. There is no applause. Only an uncomfortable silence.

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love sent to me, 5 Golden Rings

The five golden rings are the Pentateuch, the first five books of the Old Testament. One of those books just so happens to be Leviticus. My grandpa quoted it a lot.

“This is not acceptable. I know you think yourself a jokester, but we don’t make these kinds of jokes at Christmas young man.” My grandfather was nearly blue in the face. Everyone else just looked stunned. Except my grandma. She looked disappointed.

“I- its not a- “ David stammered on. He looked so lost, I needed to speak up. Help him. But I still couldn’t move.

“What do you mean it’s not a joke? James what is he talking about?” my mother demanded.

I ran.

“James wait!”

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love sent to me: 6 Geese a Laying

There were six days of creation, and on the seventh as we all know God took a break. When do I get a fucking break?

“What happened?” Alice asks me gently as she sits in the snowbank beside me. White flakes are drifting through the air catching the light with false promises of peace.

“Did you see her face?”

“Whose?”

“Grandma.” I whisper.

“No.” Alice doesn’t say anything else. Not because she doesn’t know what to say, but because she knows saying nothing and waiting until I’m ready to speak is what I need.

“When I was a senior in high school she caught me with another boy.” Again Alice waited. She’s known I was gay since the 6^th grade.

“I’d never seen her cry before. Ever. And a week later I graduated. We haven’t spoken since.”

“I’m sorry sweetie.”

“Yeah.”

“You need to talk to David.”

“Yeah.”

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me: 7 Swans a Swimming

The seven gifts of the holy spirit: wisdom, understanding, counsel, fortitude, knowledge, piety, and fear of the Lord. I’m so afraid.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I thought your family knew.”

“I know. I should have told you.”

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love sent to me: 8 Maids a Milking

The eight beatitudes. All those who are blessed on the eyes of the lord. Charlie and Alice are blessed in my eyes. They decided they wanted no further part of that party, so the four of us went out for drinks. Spend the holiday our way.

“You doing okay?” Charlie asks me.

“No not really.” I laugh.

“I’m sorry. I know how close you were with grandma.” This day is just full of long pauses. “She might come around still.”

“No she won’t.” This isn’t one of those cheesy Christmas movies where the conservative homophobic family suddenly changes their mind in a single day. It’s a generational mind set that takes pain to break. No fairytale ending.

“Maybe she will maybe she won’t. I know you love her Jamie but she doesn’t get to decide you happiness.” Alice speaks in a frantic tone that I know is because she’s still concealing her anger. Alice loves me for who I am and always has. Charlie walked out the door with us. And David has been by my side for years now.

“Can we go for a walk?” David asks.

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love sent to me: 9 Ladies Dancing

The nine fruits of the holy spirit love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. David has all of these. Does that not mean the spirit is with him? Why would that mean God should strike us down for loving each other?

“The first time you said it wasn’t right I thought maybe you didn’t love me. The second time I thought it was because you wanted a special proposal surrounded by friends and family. Well, now I know its because of how scared you were. I’m so sorry you were feeling like that.”

10 Lords a Leaping

The 10 commandments. I’ve broken so many.

“I promise you are loved. By me, by your friends, and yes by your family even if it may take them some time.”

11 Pipers Piping

11 faithful apostles preaching the gospel to the world.

“It’s just us now.”

12 Drummers Drumming

The drums in the song are 12 points of belief in the Apostle’s Creed, the drums in the march of the faithful. What am I faithful to? I can hear the drums, or is that my heart?

“Will you marry me?”

and a Partridge in a Pear Tree

“Yes.”