"Wish I"

“Wish I”

The intrusive thoughts started to ruminate in her mind; remembering the traumatic memories of how she felt as a child. She sat down in the front corridor where there was a room lit be the flickering flames of a large beautiful fireplace. As she sat down the tears began to flow as she thought:

{The memoirs from a child of an Addict}

“Wish I” was somebody else. “Wish I” didn’t have the problems I have. Wish my life was different, better, perfect, wealthy, healthy, happy and joyous all the time. Wish my mother was somebody else. All my problems are because of her. I can never seem to please her and who does she think she is anyway?? All of sudden now she wants me to listen to her, after she nearly destroyed my childhood because she was an addict. Always criticizing everything I do. Not believing I am capable of taking care of myself and my child. I do it better than her, like I do everything better than her, because I am better that her everybody knows it except her.

Wish she had been like other peoples’ moms, who never got hooked on drugs and also who didn’t drive their dads’ away, treated her parents like she did and embarrassing me every time I can think of.

Except, even though she says she’s not on drugs anymore, well at least not that one, She was still there!

(some years later)

 “Wish I”, could hear her voice one more time. “Wish I” really told her how much I love her and how much I need her right now!!! I could apologize again for being a spoiled brat!

“Wish I”, had asked her to teach me the secret of how she beat the drugs and regained some semblance of respect and love for herself, me and my child? 

“Wish I” could hear the phone ring and see her name pop-up, I would answer immediately and not ignore her calls like I used to before.

 Before, life got different and now;

“Wish I” would’ve taken the time to listen to Her story and Her truth!! She became a beacon for so many for how she, Rose from the Ashes like a Phoenix!!

“Wish I”!

I can still hear her telling me to, “Do as I say not as I do, never give away your power to drugs, boys or anything that would make you compromise your dignity or integrity; like I did. That was her way of trying to instill some type of principles in me. Sometimes she would still be under the influence of some drug or another. I suppose all the while she wanted to explain to me her descent into darkness, she would start singing the song, “Slipping into Darkness”. I miss the sound of that and the stories too. She never knew I did listen to those stories and now they’re all I have left besides the pictures.

I can make myself piece together the mantra she started saying to me towards the end when she almost had to force me to listen; I do remember this: she called it, Unapologetically Me. It went something like this,

“Living my life unapologetically doing all I can to be unashamed!! I can utilize my life’s experiences as a catalyst to build my character, to persevere, prosper, grow and love myself and others. She told me, she had to allow herself to go within and get to know and understand herself and the why of what she had gone through, survived, overcame, her own dark side and that’s when she became aware of the Power of Her Divine side, that enduring, blessed, authentic

ancestral Spirit inside of her. The Divine that had been with her all the time. Allowing her to believe in and trust the mighty warrior inside of her to guide and show her to the truth about the  Divine Spirit she was, And Is!! Her Divine Intuition. She had learned Her lesson in life, self- forgiveness and acceptance; which in turn taught Her the awareness, knowledge and Power to move forward in Love and appreciation of herself with honor, respect and taking care of her health holistically, physically, mentally, spiritually”. 

That’s when she decided to live the rest of her life with, Gratitude for Divinity’s protection and guidance over her life and strides towards her truth, then she wanted to share it with others who are in similar situations and circumstances to help them look inside themselves for the Divine connection we all have inside of us. That’s where your Divinity is and It will guide and lead you towards the better path for the one’s purpose through this journey of life.

As I sit here in front of the over-sized mantle surrounding the fireplace in the corridor of main library here in town, where mom would bring me as a small child (before she descended into the rat race of drugs and all the dirty awful trappings that came along with it), I used to love it here sitting with her in this area of the library.  It’s sort of like the common area of the huge architectural monolith of a building which was beautifully created and with such detail from that era of which I have no idea, but it was nice and cozy there in front of the fireplace. It is quiet and surrounded by a few other patrons sitting and reading while sipping coffee or tea in their own little worlds being respectful of the other readers around the massive fireplace.

On this particular day, I was really missing my mom. As I had gotten older before she left permanently this time. Way too soon, before I could tell her she had become, My Shero. On that day I looked around my closet and found that old stack of papers and notebooks from her things while clearing out her apartment. I found her journals, notebooks and writings. I put them in my bag and drove to the library to research the Yoruba spiritual system. So I thought to start my research there at the library I thought it would be the best place to find books on the ancestral religion that helped mom so much.  It was there I started reading through my mom’s old notebooks full of her writings even some of mine. She wanted to write a book explaining her descent from grace as well her ascent back from the ashes of the bridges she had burned, rising back up in phoenix-like style because of Divine Grace, she wanted to give honor and veneration to the Divine and the Ancestors for pushing her to seek the truth and helped her find what she felt was her truth, which was through learning the Yoruba spiritual system. That it where she learned to apply more honor and self-respect in her life, learned how to trust her own intuition by acknowledging the power of her own Divine Spirit for fighting to save her soul. Like I said I found some of my old writings and journal, where I had bashed her pretty bad. I was sickened to find out she saw these papers. I understand now why she wanted me to at least learn about some of the spiritual aspects of the Yoruba and not so much the ritual side, which she said was not her particular thing. It was the rituals and symbolisms of religions that repulsed her the most. It was all some man-made antics of power seeking and greedy mad men who started all that ritual stuff in all religions, she said she just knew it in her bones. I can still hear her encouraging me to learn some of the spiritual principles to help carry through the rest of my life; to meditate and do breathing techniques to keep me focused, gain clarity and knowledge of how to continue to move forward in life on the path set before me because I had a purpose, I was loved and she appreciated the Divine Source for allowing her to have me. That I was the greatest thing in her life. I remember her telling me this once, she also apologized to me for having to endure the rollercoaster ride of her own life that I had to be a part of but she would always say the part of life she gave me was not hers but mine and I would soon have to go through my own trials and tribulations and she hoped I would be able to find to some solace in the fact that she was able to make it through and so would I. She was still going through her life lesson when she had me, she did not know she would have to go through such a horrible plight to find herself. Now I wouldn’t have to go through what she did because I saw firsthand the horrors of drug addiction, gambling and alcoholism in my family and through her. My lesson would be of my own making. The Divine uses your own vices to get your attention, be aware of that and immediately get back on the right path. Find it and stay on it. Don’t let others distract me and just follow what you know is right and honorable you’ll be alright. The Ancestors are watching over me as they watched over her. It’s as if I can feel her here with me now. I always come here when I need to feel her essence and spirit although I can feel her other times it’s when I’m here in front the crackling fireplace at the library that I feel her most.

Now, coming through the life lessons I was destined to go through to see the past in just that light, the past!!  Allowing me to see my mom in a totally different way and move forward victoriously with forgiveness, acceptance and love in my heart to a future full of Divine opportunities to honor mom, myself and our Divine ancestral lineage of strong and powerful women who had survived, some even thrived.  

I’m grateful for the lessons my mom taught me, I’m glad she was around long enough after I had grown up and she cleaned up so she could tell me her truth giving me a blue print for my own path and life. I preach this to my child all the time and yes, I do know how she as a parent addicted or not, parenting in itself has its own set of lessons to learn. I hope my words are getting through to my own child whom I have to pray for constantly. That’s why it has become imperative to learn and teach honor and respect to my child also give them some spiritual sustenance to hold onto in this life, because it’s not the fairy tale children want it to be as I did when I was a child.

‘Wish I’ may ‘Wish I’ might Wish upon my mom’s starry light to let her know even though out of sight she will always shine bright in my soul and in my sight. That is now my prayer as I leave this place tonight mom you will always be my Shero, now and for the rest of my life.

Written by:

Pauline