Truths in Cursive

I lay back for a second and wait for the clock hands to strike as one. Just a few seconds and the bird will come out of its cuckoo house and pierce through the everlasting silence. No matter how much I hate it, I know I am going to miss it. I have become more conscious and aware over the past couple of days, caressing my fingers through each and every item of the house, trying to capture these images and store them in the deep pit of my mind. Forever. 

I press my palm against my back and push it in an arc until the bone cracks. 

Three

Two

One

There it goes. The end of my lips curls into a soft smile. I don’t remember the last time I smiled. Even now, when I press my ear to the other side of the door, I could hear the sniffles. My mom crouched in a corner, hugging her arms, constantly crying; the picture triggers chills down my back. A few weeks ago I had been through the same. The incident has left all our hearts wrenched and writhing in pain. But I have to be strong, not for me, but at least for my family. The worsening of the situation has finally convinced my father to leave the ached memories behind. All the luggage has been packed and stacked in the living room. Sofas, beds and big electronics have already been loaded. Tomorrow, we’ll move to Ottawa. 

The more you’ll push it, the more it’ll consume you. You have to do it. I remind myself. In front of me, lies a diary, covered in a roll of thick tree bark and a loose ribbon attached to its side. In her perfect cursive, her name is carved. Sarah. I trace my fingers through the troughs and crests of her name. Beautiful, like always. I pull the diary closer, pressing it against my chest. It still smells of her. Vanilla and Tulips. 

I let out a gasp. The drops have already rolled down the length of my face, now dripping off my chin, on the diary. 

Sarah. I love you so much. Please, please come back. 

With the help of a few deep inhales, I open the first page.

18 May 2019

Dear Diary, 

Today was a busy day. Being a member of the student council, I had to reach school early and put on the banners for the annual class festival. Josh, Liam and Julie helped me paint and put them up. Our colour was blue and animal, a peacock. Julie drew the peacock (she’s really good). We further sprayed some glitter and left it on the school terrace to dry. Naturally, we won. I feel bad for lying to mom and giving an excuse for some extra classes at school. Tomorrow is Sally’s birthday and I am super excited. She would finally be fifteen. And I have decided to buy her something special and the most important thing was to keep it a surprise. Liam helped me choose it. We drove around every shop in the town until we found the perfect! 

I remember my fifteenth birthday. We had nothing grand. I invited a couple of my friends and Sarah invited Liam and Julie (Josh was out of town). The whole house was decorated with balloons and ribbons. It was awesome. Mom and Dad gave me a beautiful watch. Julie brought me books (she knows me too well), Liam brought an art kit and my friends made a picture collage and gifted me a sparkling set of jewelry. The gift I was looking the most forward to was Sarah’s. For that, I was blindfolded and taken outside the house. I remember as soon as I opened my eyes, I saw my dream come alive in front of me. 

As colorful as daylight, jumping and joyous, stood a golden retriever held by an adorable name collar around its neck. It had my name on it. It was my dog! I was so excited, I jumped right into Sarah’s arms, kissing her all over the face. She had given me the BEST. GIFT. EVER. 

The smile becomes a bit broad. I turn the page.

22 may 2019

Dear Diary, 

                   Yesterday was a blast. Sally loved the gift so much! I am so happy for her. School was the same as usual. Our English teacher, Mrs Ruth, I think she has a grudge against me. No matter what I do, she never gets pleased! And no matter what Alicia does, she’s always so happy with her. Teacher’s logic ugh. Yes, and another thing I wanted to talk about…

I nearly jump off my seat at the sudden noise. Someone is at the door. Urgent knocks. Open-open open-open. I gingerly rest my feet on the cold floor and head towards the door. It’s Josh. He is wearing a red hoodie and loose sweatpants. 

“Hi,” I say, really hoping the tears hadn’t made me look like a sleepless weeper. 

“Hey Sally, how are you doing?” He replies with a heavy voice. He must be crying too. 

I lower my eyes to the floor, staring at the invisible ants walking in a queue like it was the most fascinating thing I have ever seen. I have been trying to avoid this question for a while now. 

“Uh just, you know, trying to hold up.” I shrug my shoulders.

“Listen, I am really sorry about what happened. Is there any way I could help?” 

“No, I don’t think so. I’ll be fine. But thank you.” 

“What are you doing?” 

“I was just reading Sarah’s diary.” The words roll out before I can think. Shoot. 

“Sarah has a diary?” He raises a brow at me. 

“Yes. I didn’t know either. I found it in the attic while we were packing all the stuff.” 

“Oh. Interesting. Can I join you?” 

I let out a deep sigh. “Sure,” I reply and close the door behind him. 

Josh leans over my shoulder as I continue reading. Aloud this time. 

 …Yes, and another thing I wanted to talk about. I don’t know what’s up with Josh lately, he’s been acting so weird. It’s becoming worse by the day. He keeps on bothering me. Whenever Liam, Julie and all of us hang out, he suggests leaving those two and just talking with him. Whenever we are alone, he keeps on touching me on my shoulder, putting my hair strands behind my ear. It’s all just so weird. I guess maybe he’s just too lonely and needs my help. I guess I’ll wait a few more days and see what happens. Bye for now! 

I slowly turn my face to Josh. His eyes are still glued to the diary. I think I saw his jaw clench for a second. Before I can ask him about anything, he tells me to turn the next page. More like, commands me. 

I pinch the corner of the page in between my finger and thumb and flip it over. 

Her last entry. 

25 May 2019

Dear Diary, 

I have to tell this to mom and dad. I just don’t know how to. Maybe I am scared. Gosh! I can’t believe I am scared of that freak. Ughh, I regret that drive. I regret it all. Let me walk you through this. I don’t know how I forgot to put the charger in my bag, 'cause it’s not like me. I NEVER forget anything. My phone had died and Josh offered to drive me home. I sure did smell some malice but it got quickly masked. Nonetheless, I agreed. All was going well. We were almost home when suddenly he swerved to the right and abruptly pressed the brakes. He kicked the car door open and walking halfway through, stood in front of mine.

“Sarah, get out.” He said, his voice harsh. 

“Josh? What happened?” 

“I said get out.”

“Bro, you okay? I-” Before I could finish, he swung the door open and dragged me by the arm. 

“Josh, stop! Josh, ouch. You’re hurting me! Josh.” I tried to fight back, screaming and yelling, but he had a firm grip. He brutally clutched the back of my hair and pushed me against the wall. His other hand wrapped around my throat, tightening its grip with every passing second. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. The world seemed to blacken away. His knee pressed against my thigh, holding me in place. 

A few seconds later he let me go. I fell to my knees, panting, my head spinning. 

“Why?” I choked out the words. 

He again pulled me by the hair and we were face to face. His nose almost brushed mine, and I could feel his dirty breath against my skin.

“You knew I liked you! You knew it all along. And all you could do, like a shitty high school girl, was to mess with me. But darling, I am not a person you should’ve messed with.” He tried to touch my face but I pushed his hand off. “You were into that…into that idiot Liam. Seriously, Sarah, you’ve got such a bad taste.” 

I took a step back. “Get away from me, Josh. It's like I don’t even know you. And- and look at you! Who are you, man? And FYI, I was never into Liam. He’s just a friend. Nothing else. And don’t you ever touch me again.” 

Before I could stomp away, he grabbed my elbow and warned me that if I ever tell anybody about this, the next target will be one of my family. I can’t help but think what he might do to Sally. It's all so messed up. I am glad I at least have you, diary, I love you.” 

I read the words in horror. All along, my sister had been going through so much and I wasn't even by her side. The day she came home late, it wasn’t because her teacher had assigned her some extra work; the bruises around her neck weren't because she had to play a role for some drama club. And now that she’s…she’s gone, I knew it wasn’t a suicide. I knew it all along. My sister would never commit suicide. She was murdered. Murdered by…

A strong pair of hands cover my mouth. I can smell his breath fanning across my skin. I groan, digging my nails in his fingers. He presses his hand against my mouth and nose. I can’t breathe. The world suddenly seems to fade away. All of a sudden, Sarah’s photo flashes in front of me, struggling under Josh’s grip. I can’t be the same. I can’t let him win again. With a smart back kick on his crotch, I am finally able to breathe and see him fall on his back. 

“You bastard” I yell and kick his face. His nose began to bleed. I cross one leg over him, so that I am standing over him. I thrust my knee in his back, I hope Sarah, you could hear him begging in pain. But no, I won’t kill him. He doesn’t deserve such an easy death. He needs to suffer. Suffer so much that he regrets every single time he touched you. I quickly grab my phone and dial 911. 

***

30 June 2019

Dear diary, 

               It’s been over a month since we moved to Ottawa. Sarah’s memories still linger sometimes but I am happy karma found its way. I sure did make my last day there worth something. Josh is in jail, suffering. So, about our new house. It’s awesome! There is even a home theatre, a swimming pool and my personal library! We’ve got pictures all over, Sarah and me; Mom and dad. I just wish Sarah was here. Her birthday is drawing near and I would’ve gone through every shop in the town and found her something perfect! 

You could be my Sarah for now. 

I love you,

Sally.