Pussycat call

PUSSYCAT CHAT

Hello, Kitty, is that you?

Oh good, I had hoped your number hadn’t changed.

Yes, it’s Pussycat. How lovely to talk to you. It seems ages. I just wanted you to be the first to know that Owl and I have split up.

Oh, I’ve got over it now. I realise it was a huge mistake. I mean, it was all very exciting to start with, and you know I never could resist a clever man, and he did have plenty of money and a beautiful boat.

Yes, a boat. A forty foot yacht, actually. It sounds very exotic, I know. But, my dear! What a villainous shade of green! That should have been a warning for me, I suppose. That and the food he brought on board.

Kit-e-Kat? No.

Whiskas? No, darling. Not Felix, either. You’re never going to guess in a thousand years. It was honey.

Yes, honey. Only honey. I mean, how mean can you get? And you know it sticks to my fur. It took me hours to clean up after the meal. And by the time I did, he told me it was dark, and too late to get back to port.

Mmm, yes, that’s what I thought at first. Men usually have just one thing on their minds, don’t they? But I will say for him that he always behaved like a perfect gentleman. Then he started to sing.

Sweetie, talk about screeching! Ha, ha, ha! And he couldn’t play the guitar to save his life. But he was saying some very nice things about me. He called me his love, and said I was lovely and beautiful. Anyway, there was this full moon, and the sky was lit up with stars. It was all very romantic, and you know I’m not as young as I used to be, and the old biological clock is ticking, and we seemed to have been going out since Adam was a boy, and it is Leap Year. I mean, it seemed to be like destiny.

I most certainly did! The words just popped out. I paid him a few silly and totally untrue compliments, and, like all the gullible men I know, he lapped them up. And – just like that! – we were engaged!

Ha, ha, ha! I know! It was crazy! He just took me under his wing and we sailed away for a year and a day. I didn’t know where he was taking me, and I just didn’t care. I was in love!

The wedding? Ah, well, that’s where things started to go pear-shaped. I mean, with all his money, do you know where he went to buy the wedding-ring?

Cartier’s? Ha, b****y ha. Don’t make me laugh!

No, you’re never going to guess in a million years. We’d got to this island. It’s called Bong.

Yes, Bong. I think. Anyway, it has a tree called the Bong-Tree.

No, nothing to do with drugs! Anyway, there in a wood was a wart-hog.

Yes, a wart-hog. Ugly-looking creatures, although I understand it doesn’t do to tell them, because they have ugly tempers, too. And this one was even worse because he had a ring on his nose which was causing him pain. Anyway, I will say that Owl was very brave and determined. He just marched up to him and offered to buy it.

Yes, Ha, ha, ha! I suppose it was a bit odd, the pig speaking English instead of Bongese or Oinkese or whatever, but still …. Anyway, they struck a bargain. And do you know how much Owl offered him?

No, you’ll never guess. Five P!

Yes, Five b****y P! You could have knocked me over with a feather. I never felt so cheap in all my life! I mean, I put up with not having an engagement ring, but I did expect a decent wedding-ring. And not off the nose of an ugly great brute like a wart-hog, either. Anyway, he must have been stupid as well as ugly, because he just accepted the first offer. Next thing I knew, Owl was walking back towards me, brandishing this ring.

Mmm? Oh yes, I remember Frisky’s wedding very well. What a fun day that was! I did think of throwing it back at him, but next day, when I’d cooled off a bit, I decided it was too late to back out, so we went up to this darling little chapel on a hill where we were married by a turkey.

Yes, a turkey. You know, enormous great thing you eat at Christmas? Best served with Cranberry sauce?

Yes, all perfectly legal. Well, he told me it was legal. Even if he did gobble his words a bit. So there we were. Mr and Mrs Pussycat-Owl.

The wedding-breakfast? Well, it was a bit odd: mince and quince.

Yes, quince. Oh, I know.

Yes, quite sour. Underneath my wedding-gown my claws were curling. But then he took my hand and led me to the beach, and we danced on the edge of the sand, and the moon was beaming down on us, and it was quite romantic, I must say.

What happened next? Well, I can’t really tell you over the phone. You’re just going to have to wait till we meet for full details. But I can tell you, it was a bit strange. You know owls don’t have a thingy, don’t you?

Yes, I do mean it!

No, I didn’t know either until we went to bed. Odd doesn’t even come near it. And he’d never breathed a word. It was at that point that I realised I’d been had – or not had, if you see what I mean. And everything started to fall apart.

Oh, it’s all right. I think I’ll be able to put it down to experience. Listen, we’ll have to meet up for coffee. And I can introduce you to Mr Tiddles, my new bloke.

Well, it might be a bit quick, but you can’t hang about, can you?

Tuesday at 11 o’clock at Carter’s? No, sorry, I can’t do Tuesday. I’m meeting my biographer. Chap called Edward Lear. We’ve already sold the rights to Netflix. So it’s all turned out OK, really.

Yes, Wednesday will be lovely. See you there. Byeeee!

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