If Only

James

My bag falls on my lap as the train stops with a violent jerk. It seems crowded than usual, understandably so, this close to the holidays. I stand up to put the luggage in its place, making sure that it doesn’t give me a concussion at the next stop. Just as I’m about to take the seat I see a glimpse of her face as she takes a seat, a couple of rows ahead of me. The hair color is different but that’s definitely Rachel, the one that got away. She was my girlfriend in college. We then lived together for a couple of months after graduation and I was all ready for the big proposal, however, big phrases like ‘focusing on my career’ and ‘not willing to settle down’ were thrown around by her out of the blue. To my surprise, I was relieved instead of feeling betrayed, I thought it was a wise decision. Now, seeing her after such a long time, I think it was nothing but my cowardice, not willing to take risks, unwilling to fight for what I really wanted.

Rachel

I drag my luggage through the station doors and find a seat, feeling more warmth coming from an empty bench than my own bed. This long business trip should have made me crave home, miss Paul, but it didn’t. Rather, I was sitting at the station dreading the thought of going back home, hoping the train never arrives but I had never been that lucky. As I board the train, I see him struggling with his bag, just as handsome as I remembered. Even though it has been almost two decades, I recognize him instantly.   

   I lunge for the empty seat right in front of me, wondering whether I should go talk to him, after all, he was the only one who truly knew me. After graduation, we lived together for two months and it was great until I found the ring in his drawer. I just got cold feet, saw my life fleeting in front of my eyes. I made up the usual break-up crap and ended things with him. He took it surprisingly well, but that was just James, nothing could break his composure. Anyway, it has been 19 years, I should at least go talk to him. I pick my bag from the seat beside me, and just as I’m about to get up, I hear a voice, his voice. “I thought it was you,” he says as if the past two decades hadn’t passed, “Rachel, how have you been?”

   He takes the seat right next to me. Up close I can see the faint wrinkles and grey hair on his temple, he isn’t the same man I left behind. Glancing at his wedding band, I wonder how our lives went in completely opposite directions. Where I am taking touring assignments in my forties just to get away from Paul, James is probably enjoying a fulfilling life with his wife and a couple of kids.

   “So, do you live around here?” He breaks the momentary silence. 

“No, I’m traveling for work.”

“You always wanted to travel, didn’t you?” He says as if remembering our last conversation. “So, where are you headed?”

“Montreal. What about you?” I ask hastily. I just can’t bear the thought of talking about my life with James. Of course, I’d lie, there’s no way in hell I’m gonna tell him that my life fell apart after I left him. That I never got my dream job and settled for something I hate. That I never found anyone after him until Paul, and even for him, five years have proven to be too much. That the last time we had sex was seven months ago. Even telling the lies to him would break me.

“Toronto, the next stop” He snaps me out of my contemplation.

“Married now, eh? I ask pointing to his ring.

“Yeah.” I can see the happiness on his face as he goes on to tell me about her.

I just tune out. All I can think about is how different my life could have been if I hadn’t walked out that day. I had always felt that people can betray me, but my work will always be with me. I couldn’t have been any more stupid. I hadn’t achieved anything in life. Sure, management consultancy pays well but I hate every second of it, every second of my life. Maybe, I should have just stayed with him, at least I could have been happy.

James

By the next station, I’m sitting beside her, catching up on the past 20 years. She tells me that she is traveling for work. As she tucks her hair behind her ear, I see the ring, I might have even smiled visibly thinking that at least one of us made the right choice.

   “So where are you headed?” I ask diverting my gaze from her ring.

“Montreal. What about you?” There is almost a sense of inquisitiveness in her tone. 

“Toronto, the next stop.” I say, fighting back a grimace.

She asks about my marriage and I tell her how good life has been, can’t help but grin at the lie I was telling her, telling myself. Things couldn’t have been any worse. To be completely honest, I don’t even know what I’m going back home to.

As my station arrives, I wrestle with the idea of getting her number but ultimately decide that I’m her past that she has no room for in her life anymore. She gets up and hugs me without saying anything. I get off, can’t bear to look back, and just walk away wondering what could have been if only I had fought, for what I wanted, back then.

Rachel

As he gets up and puts his bag over his shoulder, all I can think of are ways to stop him. Come on Rachel, stop him. Get up and kiss him. But as he says goodbye to me, all I can do is hug him. I know if I say anything, I will start crying which I can’t bear to do in front of him. I made the choice back then, he is happy, I’m not gonna be the one who stomps on his happiness, not again. He de-boards the train and my eyes are stuck on him until he is out of sight. As the train picks up the pace, I look out of the window. The snow-covered terrain looks as if someone laid an unbounded white sheet all the way across, so pristine and untainted. My phone vibrates, there is a message from Paul.

   How long till you get home, Rachel? I think we need to talk.