To Kill or Not to Kill

I held the dagger to his throat, it would be so easy to end him here and now.

"I didn’t mean to hurt her, I swear to you I didn’t mean to hurt anyone", there was water trickling down his face, was it raining or was he crying?

I really couldn’t bring myself to care. I didn’t take my eyes off of him for a second, afraid he would run out of the alley before I had a chance to decide if I would take his life or not.

My fingers tensed around the gun in my pocket as I continued the internal, torturous dialogue of whether I could live with myself if I killed a man.

I’d been thinking about this moment for months, since the second I found out he was the one responsible for her death. I had imagined the gun in my hand, I imagined pulling the trigger. I thought about whether I would attend his funeral, just to make sure he was really dead. These are the things you think about when someone steals life from you, we all like to imagine that we would be a 'better person'. We think that we will be able to forgive them and honour the memory of our lost loves. But that’s all bullshit really, the truth is there is a hatred for that person that you never knew existed.

His knees hit the concrete and brought me back to my reality, the sudden movement made me grip the gun even tighter. 

"Please! It was an accident, I didn’t mean to kill her", he was sobbing now. I kept the dagger pointed at his throat, my knuckles turning white from the pressure.

I didn’t care if he ‘meant to kill her’ or not, she was dead. My little sister. dead. Because of this man. 

Keeping the dagger in place, I slowly removed the gun from my pocket. His eyes widened with panic, but something else flashed across his eyes ever so quickly.

I think it was, relief.

All I had to do was pull the trigger and she would be avenged, could I live with myself if I didn’t get justice for her? The law obviously wasn’t going to give us any justice, a devastating accident, that’s what they had called it.

Like they didn’t know or care who pushed her in the first place.

A sudden calm came over the man, he took a deep breath and wiped his tears.

"If you want to do it, if it will make you feel any better, then do it", he whispered. 

"Shut up", was all I managed to breath out.

"It won’t bring her back, I wish it would. I would trade my life for hers in a second if I could. You have to know it was an accident"

"Stop talking!", I said holding aim at his head.

No, no more crying. I have cried enough, I have to be strong now, I have to do this for her. 

The man rose to his feet with his hands in the air, he looked me in the eyes and for the first time, I noticed the bags around his eyes. I saw the exhaustion in them, the look of hopelessness and I recognised them in a second, they were my eyes. 

"You look like shit, when was the last time you slept?", I heard myself asking before I had a chance to catch the words in my throat.

"Probably around the same time you last slept", he responded.

There was a heavy silence that fell in the alleyway like the world knew what was happening between us at this one moment. Like the Universe was holding its breath unsure of what I would choose.

"I never got the chance to tell you what she said before she died", he whispered. 

My heart sunk to my stomach, I thought I was going to be sick. I had no idea that she had said anything, he never mentioned this in any of his statements.

I gripped the gun tighter and held my aim. 

He continued with caution, "she looked so calm, you know what she was like. Emma was-"

"Don’t you say her name! You don’t get to say her name!", I tried to yell at him, but it came out more of a broken sob.

"I’m sorry. She…She was so gentle, she couldn’t get mad at anyone. She told me that she needed to call you, she had to tell you something", he waited for a cue to continue on, but I didn’t give him anything, I just waited to see what he would do.

"She said she needed to tell you that you needed to remember to hang out the washing before it started to smell. She was so funny like that, always thinking of everyone else’ he smiled to himself."

The deep sob that escaped my mouth arose from the deeps of me before I could stop it. That was it, the floodgates were opening and they weren’t closing anytime soon. I knew if Heaven was real and Emma could see me, she would never forgive me for taking a life. Even if it was for her. She would meet me at the pearly gates and slap me before saying hello. 

She would tell me "what did you go and do that for, just caused more suffering for yourself now didn’t you idiot, now come inside so I can make you a nice cup of tea"

I slowly lowered the gun and managed to strange out one-word, ‘leave’.

He took one look at me and the gun in my hand now pointing at the floor and ran out of the alleyway.

I put the dagger and the gun away and let myself cry in that alleyway, I have no idea how long I was there, but what I do know is I cried the whole time.

I felt so lost, what do I do now?

I felt like my purpose was stolen from me in every way. First Emma was taken and now I know I’m not going to kill him for it, I didn’t know what to do with anything. The one task I had been so focused on was gone, avenging my baby sister was gone.

What was my purpose?

I looked up to the sky and simply said ‘I hope I did the right thing, I miss you Emma’.