NEED TO BE PLAYED

Mom named me Joey. Pop called me Rib. He said I was a spare part, like that Prince guy, useless and without purpose. I didn’t like the why of it, but the name stuck.

We lived in Chicago, a neighbourhood one step up from a trailer park but to Mom it was the most desirable place to be. She spent most of her life in the house, cleaning and cooking, or doing the same at the shelter where she could feel good about helping out in the community.

Pop used to be in the navy, a big man invalided out when he lost the use of his legs during shore leave. Nothing heroic, mind, a car crash on a night out. Now he spent his days drunk in front of the TV, complaining about politicians and overpaid sports stars, or finding fault with me because nothing I did was ever good enough. Sometimes, when the drink was extra rich in his veins, he’d lash out at me, or Mom if I was out of range. I hated him for it but I just didn’t have what it takes to do anything about it.

Me? By day I got by as a clerk typing data into a computer system I didn’t understand. Every day I’d go to work, get bawled out for not processing enough accounts the previous day, get shoved out the way at the vending machine by the macho men while tight sweaters giggled when I spilled coffee down my shirt.

Things were different at night. Then, I’d tool up and run the streets of Chicago’s North Side. Most times I was with Julia. She was a floozy, but she was mine. We’d rendezvous on a street corner,  make for a speakeasy where we’d down some shots, then bust our way out when the cops raided. After that we’d search out some of Bugs Moran’s mob, make sure they didn’t give no trouble to Big Al’s operation.

Yeah I know, it was just a video game, grainy pictures on a scratched screen and tinny sounds in cheap headphones but this was my escape when reality sucked, like it did every day.

“You got nothing to complain about,” Pop would bark. “You’re young, you can walk. Why don’t you do something with your life?”

“I don’t know why you’re always so unhappy,” Mom would say. “You’ve got a steady job, regular paycheck and a loving home. There’s a million boys desperate to have what you’ve got.”

“I’m twenty-one, Mom. I’m not a boy.”

“You’re not a man, neither,” Pop picked up. “Navy wouldn’t have you but maybe the army. Chris-sakes, grow a pair and do something with your life!”

“Pop, I’m fine as I am.”

“Fine? You’re nothing, a bum. When I was your age I’d sailed the world’s oceans and touched land on every continent. What’ve you ever done? Pushed paper round an office? You’re a waste of space, a spare part!”

Those things hurt, but when I couldn’t handle them there was always Chicago in my room. More than once I wished I didn’t have to leave.

*

Sunday. The old man was out drinking with cronies and Mom was at the shelter so I had welcome free time. I called into the convenience store to pick up some snack food and suds. There was none in the house because Pop only drank hard stuff and Mom didn’t like the smell of beer.

And this is when things started to go weird. I came out with my groceries and met Julia on the sidewalk. Yeah, Julia, the girl from the video game. Not just someone who looked like her but her, the actual girl herself.

“Rib, honey, where you been? I been waiting for ya.”

I couldn’t speak. I mean, what do you say when some fiction turns up in the street and talks to you?

“Cat got your tongue? You got nothing to say to your girl?”

My mouth opened but the only thing to come out was “B…”

“I guess it’s pretty strange, huh? I don’t understand it myself but that ain’t important. What is important is that I’m here, you’re here, and at last we can be properly together.” She smiled and quickly pushed her lips onto mine.

Julia wasn’t your typical American sweetheart. Her nose was too long, her mouth too wide, her complexion too white, details I hadn’t noticed in the game. Her perfume was cheap, laced with booze and tobacco, but none of that mattered. There was something compelling about her, a primitive attraction that snatched at me.

“Let’s get a coffee,” she said, pulling me over to a black and green sedan I hadn’t spotted before. It was identical to the one we used in the game, a vintage 1920’s Caddy. Julia dumped my shopping in front of the back seat before shoving me after it and jumping in herself. “Hey, Tony, take us someplace we can get some java,” she called out to a driver I’d also not noticed until then.

“You got it, Julia,” he replied.

We drove a few blocks. I didn’t notice when it happened but when I stepped out again I was in a place that hadn’t existed for a hundred years. Everything was grey and white. I mean it wasn’t, but that’s how it felt, like watching an old George Raft movie. We stopped at a sidewalk café. A bored waitress crossed to where we sat, a cigarette at the corner of her mouth.

“The caaffee’s free with your order. Whadda ya wanna eat, there?”

I knew this place. It was Zimmer’s, a run-down eatery that specialized in bratwurst and hot black, a good place to meet up with low-lifes in the game before going on a heist or making a hit.

“Just give us the coffee,” Julia said, dismissively.

I finally found my voice once the joe was steaming in front of us. “What… what’s going on? How can you be here? Where is here?”

Julia shrugged. “I told you I don’t know how this all works. All I know is you and me, we were meant to be, y’know? Look, you know I love you, right? And I know for sure you love me. How many times have we been in tight spots and every time we had each other’s backs, right? You always wanted to kiss me, and I wanted to kiss you, and now we got a chance to make it happen. We can do this, baby, the two of us, no matter what.”

To say I was confused wouldn’t be the half of it, but then she slipped off a shoe and I felt her stocking’d toes stroking my shin. She was right, I had always wanted to kiss her but of course it was just a game. The best I could do was type “>/kiss” and our block-cut avatars would touch heads. Great.

“Now listen, honey, I don’t got a lot of time so pay attention. You want us to be together? All you gotta do is waste Pop.”

I started at her. “What? You want me to… to…”

“Nothing to it, honey. Go home, drill him, drop the gun and you’re done. It’s not like he can run off anywhere. And it’s not like it’d be your first hit, after all. You and me, we’ve done plenty.”

“But… the game, just in the game. Not real!”

“No difference,” she told me. “OK, I got to get back to Big Al. He’s expecting me and he’s counting on you, so let’s just get it done. Come on.”

Julia dropped some coins on the table and dragged me outside, shoving me back in the car where she handed me a package. It was heavy and the brown wrapping crinkled. “Put it in with the groceries,” she told me, “and get it done when he gets back today.”

“But…” I began again. I got no further because she planted her mouth on mine, a kiss as deep as any ocean Pop claimed he’d ever sailed. Our lips slid, our tongues touched and I was lost to those depths.

“Take a walk, Tony,” Julia said. The driver grinned and stepped out from behind the wheel. That’s when Julia grabbed me, her hands eager and energetic as she explored my body. Right there in the car I explored right back. It was crazy, it felt dangerous and more exciting than anything I’d ever experienced before.

Afterwards, Julia stroked my cheek and said "I wish we could stay here forever. Don’t you? Do this every day, whenever we want?”

In an old automobile? In the middle of an urban landscape that didn’t – couldn’t actually exist? Passers-by on the sidewalk, anyone could look inside? Damn right I did!

Tony returned and gunned the engine.

“Use these,” Julia told me. “They’re the latest thing, latex gloves. The cops won’t be able to trace the gun back to you when they dust. Now listen, when it’s done you gotta disappear for the rest of the day. Go to the flics, the zoo, anywhere you got to buy a ticket. Hold onto it. Don’t go home until after the cops arrive. Stay cool. Show ’em the ticket. You’ll be fine. Just remember I love you and you love me, baby. Just get it done,” she reminded me, “and we’ll make whoopee forever.”

*

Tony dropped me back at the store. Greyscale Chicago disappeared and I was back in the real world. My real world. Or somewhere close. I watched the car speed off, shopping on the ground by my feet. Once the vehicle disappeared I picked up the bag. It was heavier than beer and snacks should be. I checked inside and there was Julia’s package, a secret weight nestling at the bottom.

My walk home was hazy. I couldn’t think straight. I stuck the bottles in the fridge, put the chips on the counter and brought the package upstairs to my room. After a little hesitation I stripped away the wrapping and gazed down at the gun and handful of slugs. The same words cycled in my head. What was happening? It didn’t make sense. Had I gone crazy? That could explain it…

But the weapon was still there and it was as cold as I’d always imagined death would be. And Julia’s kiss remained on my lips, I remembered that most clearly. But how? All of it? I had to speak with Julia again.

I powered up the console, launched the game and dialled in the scenario. I’d start at Zimmer’s. Where better? Julia was there, sitting at a table.

“>What happened?” I typed.

“#We gotta hit Franko tonight,” I read. “Big Al want’s it done smooth.”

“>No, what happed today? What you said, I have to kill Pop?”

“#Sorry, @Rib, I don’t understand Pop.”

“>I mean @Pop.”

“#Sorry, @Rib, I don’t know @Pop. Please check you are logged onto the right server.”

This was getting nowhere. Julia wasn’t reacting the way I needed. I was about to pull off my headphones and quit the game when I got a ping that a new message had arrived. That was strange. I never got messages. I’d never connected up with any other gamer, but here was a message right enough. I clicked the open link.

“Rib,” it read, “honey, I’m sorry we couldn’t talk like you wanted. There’s rules here that I can’t break. Like I wanted to grab you and hug you but it’s just not possible. All I can say is Al told me your Pop was Franko, don’t ask me to explain. I can’t. Look, we both got questions and I’m sure there’ll be answers later. But I promise, it’ll be you and me baby, together, you know? All you need do is get it done and everything will be right. Today was my promise to you, and I’ve got a lot more waiting when it’s done. X.”

There was a link for a reply but I didn’t use it. What could I have said? Pop was Franko? What did that… then it clicked that Pop’s actual name was Francis. That had to be the connection, it couldn’t be just coincidence. Could it? It was all crazy as shit but there was still the kiss, and what came after… and the gun. Believe me, nothing’s more real than a gun.

Julia’s words echoed: just get it done. Without thinking, I found myself loading the bullets. I didn’t even realize I knew how, except in the game. I sat on my swivel chair, gun next to the console, and waited.

Eventually I heard keys in the door downstairs and the sound of a wheelchair. Pop was back. I heard the clink of bottle on glass and liquid being poured, the TV being tuned into a sports channel and the volume ratcheted up. Not too long after I heard Pop begin to snore.

Our house wasn’t new and the stairs creaked as I descended. The gun was even heavier and colder in my hand than it had felt in my room. Pop was in his recliner, head back, mouth open and snorting. He didn’t hear me as I crossed the floor. He didn’t move or twitch when I held the gun to the top of his head, pointing down the length of his recumbent body. Was I really going to do this? I’d never even gotten into a fight at school, never. Did I really have the balls?

I focused on two thoughts: the kiss from Julia, and the last time Pop had lashed out. I still had the bruise on my arm where I’d defended myself. I remembered times when I’d not be fast enough and his fist had connected with the side of my head instead; and other times when I’d seen the bruises on Mom. Now it was different. This time it was me making the hit. It would be just like Chicago.

I used both hands to grip the gun, my trigger finger shaking a little. Pop’s head was inches away. I aimed, screwed my eyes shut, turned my head to the side and squeezed. The explosion was so much louder, the recoil so much harsher than I’d imagined. I felt spatter on my face. It was warm, and that was the worst thing. I dropped the gun. I didn’t look at Pop, didn’t need to. I’d got it done.

*

I left the house, took off my hoodie and wiped myself down as I walked. There were people about but nobody looked in my direction as I stuffed the jacket into a dumpster. I feel no guilt. I didn’t feel much of anything.

We didn’t have a zoo or a movie theatre nearby. Instead, I went to the arcade and gave the guy some dollars in exchanges for quarters. For the next few hours I played the slots. At least, I guess I did. I wasn’t exactly focused. I heard the sirens wailing and figured they were because of me. I bought more quarters when I ran out. I waited but no cops appeared. I bought even more quarters. The guy behind the glass didn’t care, he just took my money and gave me the coins.

Eventually I ran out of cash and decided to go back. There was no clarity to my thoughts, I had no idea what I’d do when I got there. What would I say to Mom? The police? How would I handle their questions?

There was nobody home. No Mom, no police. In fact, the whole place was dark, no lights, no noise. Inside, there was no body, no mess, nothing out of place. Like nothing had happened. But it had. I knew it had. I’d got it done.

The doorbell rang. It was Julia. “You did it, honey, I knew you would!” She threw herself around me, kissing me, cuddling me, forcing me back inside. I tripped backwards onto the floor and she dived right on top, tearing the clothes off both of us. In an instant we were back in the Cadillac, writhing our way through the Karma Sutra. I don’t know how long it lasted. Hours? Minutes? Days?

“I said we’d be together, honey, once you’d got it done,” Julia said at last.

“But what…”

“What happened? Who cares? Franko’s not around no more and Big Al’s happy. He sent the boys round to clean up, by way of a thank you for the great job you did. Ain’t that swell? Anyway, now we get to be together, just like I promised.” She smothered me with another kiss.

“Bu… for real? I did it? And now…?”

“For all time, honey. Except…”

I looked at her, my question open in my face.

“Except now we’ve gotta be in the game, the both of us. Sorry, hun, but that’s the rules.”

I looked out the window. The world was greyscale again, a wet Chicago day. I still didn’t have any answers. I probably never will. But it didn’t matter. Julia was right next to me, and that was all I wanted. But…

The car stopped and we got out, and the world changed again. There was colour now, but everything had become flat, no profundity. Julia was immobile. I glanced down and I was the same, complanate, a passive creation. I remembered everything that had happened, my hit on Pop, Julia in the car. But I realized those memories were all I had left. I couldn’t move or act of my own volition. I needed the rules of the game to bring me to life again. I needed to be played.