How I Met Your Mother.

It was pitch dark when I woke up, to absolute silence, like being in a horror film. I found myself lying in a strange bed, with some jackets and a couple of purses flung on top of me. I stumbled along the wall for a switch, hitting my shin and knees in the process. I was starting to panic a little when I couldn't find the switch, my hands now crawled all over the walls and just before I got into one of my panic modes, I found the door knob in time. I rushed out and sat down on the floor, taking deep breaths until the panic subsided. I didn't know why I had agreed to come to this stupid party.

 I got up, went to the kitchen and grabbed the first bottle of water. I gulped down some water, only to feel a fire cascade down my throat. It was some ghastly vodka in a water bottle. I rushed to the kitchen tap and gulped down some water greedily. The kitchen was an unholy mess. There were chips all over the floor, beer bottles and caps strewn around, empty bottles of wine rolling on the floor, the sink was jammed with dirty dishes, pizza boxes with congealed pizza was lying on the kitchen counter. I was suddenly dizzy with hunger, I reached out to take one of the left over slices, when I saw a shadow hovering over by the wall. 

 "I wouldn't do that if I were you." The shadow detached itself and came closer. She was a really pretty girl, olive skin, medium height, curvy body encased in tight jeans and a loose tee-shirt. Not a stitch of makeup. Strange, it was or had been a theme party, she didn't seem dressed for one. " That shit is gross, who knows how many people passed their hands over it, or maybe tried to take a bite out of it.” I dropped the pizza slice and smiled. The smile was wasted, she had moved the plates, clogged the drain, turned on the hot water and soaked the dishes. 

 "Smooth," I smiled, kicking myself internally for an utterly banal statement. She looked at me strangely and started rounding up the pizza boxes. "Hi let me give you a hand." I started towards the boxes, she turned around and told me to stop, she could take care of it. I am a good guest though, I can't let the hosts clean up after a party, so I ignored her and started picking up the beer bottles. " I insist and you look tired. It's` the least I can do." She gave me that strange look again and said fine, I could help her. “So where is everyone else, I asked.” She told me they were at a bar down the road. I asked her why she didn’t want to go join them, she looked at me as if I was joking, then went back to the dishes. Clearly she was one of Amanda’s roommates. Thankfully not obnoxious like her other friends.

 “So whats your story”? She asked as she rinsed the dishes. I swept up the broken glass on the floor. “Amanda is a friend from school. I ran into her in the city. We haven’t met in years. She invited me over, so I am here.” “ I see,” smiled the girl. We worked in peace for a while, and the living room and kitchen were spotless. It had been a very companionable hour, but Amanda wasn’t back yet. It was typical that Amanda would invite me, then traipse away somewhere else, just like high school. When would I ever learn?

 “ Shall we move upstairs”? Suddenly things took a different turn. As she started walking upstairs I became aware of the grace with which she walked, and her beautiful bottom in front of me. She was one beautiful woman, I should really have gone and joined Amanda and her friends at the neighbourhood bar, and here I was suddenly in the thrall of a stranger. What was I doing? Was this going to turn into something else? I was jolted out of my thoughts at a loud sound. It was the vacuum cleaner. The beautiful stranger was cleaning upstairs now. I shouted over the din of the vacuum and asked her if I could help in any way. “Yeah you could do the room.”

 “Excuse me, the what now”? “The bedroom, it’s so messy, and look at this pile of shit here.” She looked at the bed full of clothes. She smiled at me and moved on to the other room with the vacuum. My phone buzzed. It was a message from Amanda saying she would be home soon, and she hoped I was up and ready for some adventure. That would have made my heart race once, but it didn’t seem to move me much presently. I should have never come here, I thought and sat on the bed. “Why, it ain’t so bad here.” It was the girl. “ Did I speak out loud”? “ Yeah you did.” 

 “Ok so the truth, I had a mad crush on Amanda when we were in school.” “ I can see that. Miss Amanda is very fetching.” the girl smiled again. “ Well yeah fetching, and narcissistic and manipulative. She used to make me do her homework, walk her dogs, do errands for her, you get the drift.” The girl fluffed the duvet and the pillows and sat down next to me. “ So she was the one who got away, and here you are,” she said in that lilting voice.

 “Here I am and realising I am not enamoured with her anymore.” 

 “Good for you,” the girl was about to get up, when I held her hand and pulled her back on the bed and kissed her. I let her go immediately, hoping I hadn’t misread the situation. I started to say I am sorry, when she leaned back in and kissed me, and it was the best kiss I had ever had. A harsh voice broke the moment. “Snogging the cleaner. Classy.” It was Amanda of course. She was with three friends, two of whom laughed, but the third had the sense to look mortified by Amanda’s comment.

 The girl walked out without looking back. As she passed by Amanda, without missing a beat, she asked her to venmo her the money. “Thanks for the party Amanda. It wasn’t that great.” I couldn’t resist adding. I rushed out after the girl. “Stop please.”

 “Sorry I didn’t mean to be manipulative and trick you into helping me, but I had worked all day and I have college early tomorrow.”I responded by taking her hands in mine and walked off into the rising dawn. “And kids thats how I met your mother.” I smiled across the room at my beautiful wife Olivia, while the kids made appropriately nauseated sounds at their parents romance.