Why you should not start a business, ever.

As a child Sven was not allowed to put many things in his mouth. He was not allowed to curse on Sundays or linger too long at the side of his mother. In fact all of his life was rather starchy existence with rhudebekkar turnips, reindeer cheese and a little borschtsad to drink it down. 

So imagine his surprise when a Spaniard tourist came over and said “before I take your sleigh ride I want you to try this!”

Pickles. 

Yes, many Spaniards talk in the exclamation point fashion. For they are a passionate people of the Southlands. They do not mention what grows in the jar of their pickles because they believe the vinegar to be a sterilizer. They believe that pickles are the correct prerequite to harvesting organs and that pickles were on the road to Damascus when Paul saw the living god. 

Sven had an elegant biome in his mouth and did not realize that the pickles would nullify all of the years of hard digestion. There were partner bugs in his mouth– bugs which fasted when Sven fasted, bugs who only made waste near the top of his lips but never squatted near the gum lines. They respected their home and would not even fornicate by the molars. When the Lord Sven ate, they took the crumbs and gave a tenth to the throat in its purest form.  There were bug missionaries and even a commune of bugs which craved licorice and had to live in the incisors alone. Bug medical wards were found in the dental pallette which was typically protected by the tongue. 

All of a sudden the great nation of bugs in Sven’s mouth were killed by a pickle plague. He had never given direct prayer request and didn't know the names of the hairs of these bugs but their corpses arranged themselves toward the front (due to digestive flow) and Sven cawed on these subjects like jerky snuff, not realizing there was an entire Civilization trying to grow old and protect him. The bugs had been working on a sonnet for Christmas and they were going to make a pilgrimage to the ear just to tell him about it. 

Among the bugs that died that day:

Penelope of the canine. A lovely woman who taught that all bugs came from the great Ankot; a priestess of sorts who read from the Latin and the Greek. Penelope of Canine hoped to unite the kingdom of Sven with the lovely mouth of Tonja Odaviten. It was said that the Odaviten biome had magical lakes which never dried. That the gentle flossing made grandbabies blossom. Also, Tonja only allowed sweet things in her mouth. 

General Thomas Blundt died at 63 days. He was a prestigious bug who had made it through the rank and file of harsh winters. When the Sven made war with the Oliver and bad words came out of his mouth, General Thomas (in all wisdom) climbed to the top of the uvula and made Lord Sven tremble in battle. Lord Sven could not complete the sentence of why Emperor Oliver’s mother was so fat. Lord Sven did not get socked in the jaw. The kingdom was saved!

Thadeus the Architect died that day! Thadeus had a famous artist mother and his father was a great mathematician. He was in the middle of rezoning ordinances with the council of elders and they were going to attempt their first megalithic structure by harvesting porcelain from the back world and erecting a “grill” in the forward world. Everyone thought that Thadeus had this premonition in dreams but didn't realize he had stayed up late to watch Yo MTV cribs when Sven gaped at all the splendor. It was then that Thadeus saw the megalithic structure and knew that his people should endeavor to keep up with the gods. 

Marjalena the white supremest died that day. The woman spent all her time saying that the bugs should hide during the reindeer brush monsoon. That they should scrub their buildings themselves. That they should make the white Cliffs of Bite to exhale all the youth who not use the lips as a bathroom. She was a great contrarian and colorist, this Marjalena. Bugs didn't always appreciate her holiness and thought that bug love was more important than pride. Then she died. 

*

Now a person, even a northern narcissist, can tell when an entire civilization on their person has died. Lord Sven felt the leaving. Like a Siamese twin sticking to his cheek had fell off in the night. He held the offending pickle in his hand and told the Spaniard that he had stripped him naked. 

“The wind is fierce. And now my teeth are exposed.”

The Spaniard, who liked to be called Robby” laughed and wanted to alk about naked people at the Hot springs in the third. 

“Do they really polar dance?”

Spaniard people are always talking about getting naked. They do not even bathe alone because they fear the drain. Sven did not want to bring this visitor to the volcanic Hot springs with his evil pickle. He did not want the Spaniard to pollute his nation’s water. He did not feel like the lire note was especially beautiful but as Sven had out out a sign “Skid for Rent,” he must comply.

People in other places have a refusal of service. The flaccid pickle was still in Sven’s hand after he told the Robby where to sit and how to lean. The dogs were itching and ready to mush. The snow was compacted by the weight of old snow so that the journey would be smooth and then the Spaniard would get off. 

.it wasn't really illegal to drop off a foreigner in the middle of nowhere. Sven worried that the acidic juice of the pickle in his hand could disturb nature. It had to be thrown into the Kadajari where Sven’s people furnaced the science experiments of cooking and some plutonium trials that did not create electricity. Sven would have to drop off the Spaniard and then ride all night to the kadajari. If the snow wasn't too deep he might lay the pickle in a mud blanket, throw it into the molten pile and still get home for fefferkookin. He wanted the porridge quick in his mouth because every tooth seemed to be ready to fall out of his mouth if he should only whistle. 

It was then that Sven had the idea to drop Robby in Laderbrok, an unused hot spring which had a gilla monster. Also, most anything that touches the water becomes mineralized in seconds. The old people of the village used to make fossils for tourist and now no one went there. 

Sven didn't dare encase the pickle in sulphur and dendrites. He had seen a wooly mammoth being carted all the way from the eastern boundary. They set the frozen thing by the fire and nibbled at its flesh for a month. The mammoth came back to life when half of its muscles were gone and it's heart restarted. No one wanted to ask the mammoth what it had dreamed for a thousand years because mammoths are long talkers. So they speared it. 

If the pickle goes into Laderbrok and becomes a statue and then someone knows the decaliohicatuon method of dry aging and they see the pickle, out it into their mouth, and start speaking Spaniard? Nooo…. This would be unthinkable. It just go into the fire. It just be no more. 

..robbery fell asleep on the two hour jaunt to the hot springs. Sven waited for him to wake, checked that he was still breathing and then pushed him off to the side of his cart. Just like any other Uber driver of the world.