Hard Conversation

“Thanks for letting me stay here tonight, I wasn’t ready to go back to the dorms yet.” Justin said.

“No problem. I can only imagine the rumors going around.” Will replied.

“Yeah, I’m sure Elliot’s having a hard time because of it.”

“I mean you did end up in a mental hospital, again.” Will sighed.

“It’s not like I wanted to be there.”

“Then why did you try to kill yourself?!” Will cried. “Where did you think you’d end up?!”

“Calm down, I already said I was sorry.”

“I know. When I found you that day, I thought you were dead.”

“That was kind of the point.” Justin smiled.

“Only you could make a joke out of something like that.” Will rolled his eyes.

“I saw that smile.”

“Ugh, anyway you can use my roommate’s bed, since he’s gone for the weekend.”

“Are you sure you’re okay? You were super quiet on the drive back.”

“I’m fine, just tired.”

“If you say so.”

“You really want to have this conversation now?” Will glared at Justin.

“Might as well.” Justin shrugged.

“I want to but…”

“You’re afraid of what my answer is going to be?”

“Yeah, can you blame me?”

“No. I get it; I’d be scared too.”

“So, why did you do it?” Will tore his eyes off the floor and stared at Justin.

“It wasn’t just one reason.”

“I figured.”

“I feel like I don’t deserve you sometimes. Like I’m the problem in our relationship.”

“Even if that were true, which it’s not, how would you dying solve that?”

“With me out of the picture, you could move on, find someone who wasn’t such a mess.”

“How many times do I have to tell you that’s not true?”

“Right, because you’re the model of stable mental health.”

“True, but you aren’t unlovable either you know.”

“If you say so.”

“You said there was more than one reason.”

“Yeah. I know it’s been years, but I still feel bad about what happened with Joey.”

“Speaking of things that aren’t your fault.”

“I keep wishing he was here, that he wasn’t dead.”

“I think that’s pretty normal.”

“There was a part of me that thought, if he can’t be here, why can’t I be there instead?”

“What do you mean?”

“Like maybe it would be better if I was dead. Then at least we could be together again.”

“Oh. Guess I’m screwed either way huh?”

“I’m sorry. It’s not like I don’t care about you. I do, I swear.”

“It’s okay. I know you do. I asked why you did it, you're just answering my question."

“Still, you didn’t ask for any of this, it’s not fair.”

“I knew what I was signing up for. We’ve known each other since high school, I knew it wouldn’t be easy, being in a relationship with you.”

“I hate that you were the one to find me. I didn’t think that part through.”

“Clearly. I knew you were depressed. That you weren’t doing great, but I didn’t think you’d you know.”

“I get it. I’m sorry, maybe I shouldn’t have asked to stay over tonight.”

“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”

“I could have asked my parents or something.”

“Stop, just stop it.” Will said, not trying to hide the tears anymore.

“I’m sorry, I know this must be horrible for you.” Justin replied as he squeezed Will’s shoulder.

“Stop apologizing! It’s not going to erase what you did!”

“You act like I did all this to spite you or something.” Justin scowled.

“It’s not that.”

“Then what is it?”

“I want to believe you when you say you’re sorry. But part of me is worried you’ll try something again.”

“Did you forget where I was before tonight?”

“No, but…”

“What, you thought I faked feeling better so I could get out of there? Is that it?”

“Maybe.”

“I can’t believe you’d think that?! What the hell Will?”

“I know, I’m sorry.”

“I wasn’t, faking it, for the record.”

“Good to know.”

“Now what?”

“We go to bed and hope things look better in the morning?” Will asked with a smile.

“Couldn’t hurt.” Justin shrugged.

“Okay then.” Will started towards his bedroom, then stopped. “You know I love you right, despite what I said earlier?”

“Yeah, I know. I love you too."

"Good. I was worried for a minute there."

"Not like we haven't fought before." Justin smiled.

"Yeah, true."

"What?"

"I'm glad I wasn't the reason you tried to die."

"That would never happen. I know that much."

"But earlier you said you weren't sure about our relationship."

"No, I said I thought I was the problem." Justin shook his head. "If I thought you were the problem, I would've stabbed you, not myself."

"So you're saying you'd kill me, that's comforting." Will smirked.

"That's not what I meant. Guess you're feeling better then?"

"Yeah, guess so." Will smiled as he glanced at the clock on the wall. "Ugh, we should get some sleep, since tomorrow's Monday."

"I guess. I'm so not ready to face everyone in class tomorrow."

"Should have thought of that before you tried to off yourself."

"Yeah, maybe." Justin chuckled. “Hang on, my phone is buzzing.”

“Who the hell is calling you at this hour?”

“Only the other person who constantly worries about me.”

“Right, figures Elliot would call you now.” Will smiled. “I’m going to get some sleep.”

“See you in the morning.” Justin replied as he answered his phone. “Hey Elliot, what’s up?”

“Just wanted to make sure you got home okay. Sorry I’m calling so late.” Elliot replied.

“What, you don’t trust Will? Some roommate you are.”

“I do, just paranoid I guess.”

“I’m fine. I can stay out of trouble for one night.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“You know I’m not going to do something like this again, right?”

“Let’s say I’m ninety-percent sure.”

“What about the other ten percent?”

“Would it be weird if I said I had some nightmares about it when you were gone?”

“And I thought Will’s anxiety was bad.”

“Sorry. It’s just with my mom being sick, it makes everything death related worse.”

“I figured. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have put you through this either.”

“It’s not like you did because of me. Or Will for that matter.”

“True. You should get some sleep; we do have class tomorrow.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I’ll let you get some sleep too.”

“Sounds good. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow.”