The Heart Wants What It Wants

May 29, 1988, was the day that my husband & I got married.

We've only known each other for 6 months before we decided to get married.

All it took was one conversation & we immediately fell in love.

Straight after the wedding, we went to Hawaii for our honeymoon & the more we spent time with each other the more we fell in love or so I thought.

I always ask myself what makes a marriage great? & what makes it worst?

I know that marriage isn't meant to be perfect but why does it fall apart? Could it be that the two people who are in the marriage didn't cater to one another often?

Could it be a lack of communication, affection?

I ask myself these questions recently because it's been a year since my husband & I are married. Things haven't been the same.

Which is why I always daydream about our honeymoon because that was the last day that we showed love for one another.

Sad to say but very true!

I don't think that it was done intentionally.

I just think that our careers took over our marriage.

We committed more to our careers.

Jack is a Doctor & I'm a flight attendant.

Let's get to the real reason for the story.

Jack & I went up to Boston for the first day of summer so we could spend time with his parents.

when Jack & I arrived at his parent's home. The parents greeted us & we had super.

"So Hows marriage you two?" Jacks mother Rosie asks

As I was trying to answer the question, Jack suddenly beat me to it.

"It's going great mother."

"Pamela what about you?"

Jack's father Gerald asked

Shockingly I respond "it's going great."

Later on, that evening in the spare bedroom that Jack & I were staying in. We got into a heated argument.

"What's wrong with you Pamela?"

"Nothing, why do you ask?"

"My parents ask us a question & you just sit there frozen like a statue!"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean you've been acting a little weird these past couple of weeks."

"Wait now I'm confused? Are you angry because I didn't talk much while having dinner with your parents? Or are you just angry with me altogether!"

"I just feel you haven't been talkative these past couple of weeks & the quietness of you at dinner was the last straw for me!"

"Oh wow so if you felt that there was something wrong with me then maybe you should've asked instead of being an asshole about it. God, I am your wife Jack!"

"Are you?"

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"It means I don't know what we are anymore it feels like we are just roommates."

Tearfully I rush out of the bedroom door & sit outside on the swing watching the night sky.

Jack's father Gerald sits down next to me on the swing asking me was everything alright.

I wanted to answer him but couldn't because I was hurt by what Jack had said to me.

"I've realized that our marriage has been falling apart but I never knew that he thought of me as a stranger. Why the hell are we even married then?"

"No Pamela, Jack is just a little upset right now give him some time & he'll apologize to ya"

Gerald softly hugs me & goes back into the house.

Once I got myself together I returned to the bedroom. Jack is sleep with a book lying on his chest. I put on my nightgown & joined him in the bed.

The next morning I was woken by the smell of pancakes & bacon.

I look to the left of me & see that Jack is gone.

I freshen up & join Jack & his parents for breakfast.

"Good morning Pamela"

Rosie says

"Good morning"

As I sit at the breakfast table Jack & Gerald both with their legs crossed reading the newspaper.

"Put that paper down! You jerks! It's time for breakfast!"

"I'm sorry honey! It looks great"

Gerald says

"Yea mom it does thank you."

As I watch Gerald kiss Rosie so softly on her cheek I realize how come Jack didn't greet me with a kiss.

maybe he's still mad about yesterday.

Although it should be me being angry because of the rude things he had said to me

"Pamela are you alright?"

Gerald says while smiling

"Yes I'm great thanks for asking Gerald"

"So how did you two sleep last night?"

Rosie asks while putting orange juice in my glass.

"I slept beautifully thank you for asking."

"I couldn't sleep I was busy reading my book"

"You looked very comfortable when I came into the room last night."

"Yea I was comfortable but I still feel as though I didn't sleep."

As we all engage in a conversation I suddenly see Gerald starring at me as if he was looking right through my soul.

I blink uncontrollably to see if he would flinch & he did not.

"So Jack are you still going to go hang out with your Darryl?"

"Whos Darryl? I ask confusingly

" oh, Darryl is Jacks's childhood friend."

I look at Jack with disappointment written all over my face.

"I thought that you & I were going to take a walk around the neighborhood?"

"Yea but I haven't seen Darryl in so long. We can take a night walk ok?"

"Uh"

Jack looks at his watch & suddenly begins to be in a hurry.

"Oh speaking of Darryl I should get going He & I are playing golf in an hour"

Jack gives me a wet kiss on the lips as he rushes out the door.

With disgust, I wipe the saliva off of my lips.

"Pamela if you like you can help me in the garden?"

"Ok yea sure"

Rosie & I approach her garden where there are roses, lilies & sunflowers.

"Oh Pamela may feel up this bucket with water"

"Yeah sure"

As I enter the kitchen to fill up the water bucket for Rosie. Gerald comes into the kitchen & grabs himself a cold beer from the fridge.

"How's the garden going?"

Gerald asks me as he slurps his beer

"It's going well "

Once I filled the bucket with water I begin to walk outside until Gerald asked if I wanted to play cards.

"Yea sure once I'm done helping Rosie with the garden I'll come in & play"

Card games were something Jack & I would play if it happened to be a rainy day on a Sunday.

I missed how Jack & I use to be.

A loving couple!

maybe Jack was right! We aren't a married couple anymore.

We just live together.

Two hopeless bodies losing hope in their marriage.

It is now at 8 p.m. & I haven't seen Jack since 10 this morning. I lay in bed as hopeless as I feel. Until I hear a slight knock on the door.

I open the door quickly hoping it was Jack but it was Jacks' father.

"Hi, Gerald I'm sorry I was hoping that Jack would be here by now. Have you heard from him?"

"Oh it's alright um no I'm sorry Pamela I have not, but Rosie left to play cards with Betty from across the street. I was thinking since it's just & I here I could make us some dinner. Care to join?"

"Oh yes sure I'll change my clothes & be right down"

As I make my way downstairs to Join Gerald for dinner. We begin to laugh & conversate.

An hour after we finished dinner Gerald had music playing & asked if I would like to dance.

"Why yes I would," I said

As we dance around in the living room I begin to feel loved. It was as if all of my worries went away. The music played & played. Until I suddenly begin to feel sick from all of the movement. Gerald places me down on the couch & puts an ice bag on my forehead.

"That was fun!"

I say

"Yea but maybe we should've waited a little bit longer just until our food digested properly"

"Yea but thank you for this Gerald I do appreciate it!"

"You're Welcome!"

We then begin to stare into each other eyes as if it was love at first sight.

Strange isn't it?

"Dad? Pamela?"

Jack says as he enters the living room

I prop up off of the couch & say

"Jack!"

"Pamela wasn't feeling too well. So I gave her an ice bag to put on her forehead"

"Oh yeah it's fine"

Gerald leaves the living room & begin to clean the dishes from our supper.

I sit up slowly on the couch.

"How was Golf with Darryl?"

With no remorse, Jack responded

"I'm pretty tired I think I'm gonna head upstairs"

As I watch Jack walk up the stairs I become angry.

He's been out all-day & as soon as he comes back he goes straight upstairs as if I was a stranger.

Later on that night I took a hot bubble bath while reading a book.

I needed some sort of relaxation.

after I was finished bathing I put on my silky bathrobe & sat outside on the swing.

As I sit on the swing on the patio. my thoughts become so loud! Should I just pack my bags & go?

Should I file for divorce after we return home?

I didn't know what to do.

I then make my way into the kitchen for something to drink.

although the sun went down. The humidity was very high!

I pour myself a glass of red wine & stare amid the open air.

Wondering what I should do?

I mean it feels as if Gerald is my husband more than Jack.

I spent more time with my husband's father than my actual husband!

My thoughts became quiet as Gerald entered the kitchen.

"Oh hi there Pamela? How's it going?"

"It's great I guess"

"I thought that you would be sound asleep already"

"No, I can't sleep my thoughts are too loud"

"What's on your mind?"

"I don't want to explain. I think you've heard enough of Jack & I bullshit"

I then pour more red wine into my glass until it becomes full again.

"No, I'm your father in law that's what I'm here to do."

"No, you're here to relax! It's summer everyone should be happy but that's just not the case in my situation"

"You & Jack are still at it? If you want me to talk to him I will?"

"No, it's fine it'll get better, ha I hope!"

I then face away from Gerald and begin to cry.

Gerald comes over to me & tries to hold me but he & I kiss instead.

We kissed & kissed.

The next morning I didn't even want to go downstairs for breakfast.

As I lay in the bed, just me,

I felt a mix of emotions. I felt disgusted & then another part of me liked it

Was that a bad thing?

I don't know what or how to feel anymore

how could I do this?

This is my husband's father!

I mean from the moment I arrived at this house he was the only one who showed that he cared for me. Not Jack!

As my thoughts grow louder & louder Jack enters our bedroom with breakfast on a tray for me.

"Good morning!"

I sit upon the bed surprised.

"Oh good morning'

" here have this first."

Jack hands me a glass of water

"So how was last night?"

I look at him with a horrified look upon my face.

"What do you mean?"

" you didn't come to bed until 2 in the morning so I was wondering what you might've been doing."

Nervously I say

" oh um, I had taken a bubble bath & sat outside on the swing.

"Oh, nice! How was the weather? "

"It was humid."

"Look, Pamela, I need to talk to you."

I take a few more sips of my orange juice then place it down on the drawer.

"Well uh is there something that you need to tell me?"

"No why?"

"Oh come on Pamela be honest!"

"I am being honest! What do you wanna know?"

Jack begins pacing back n forth with anger.

"I saw you last night in the kitchen with my father! Don't lie to me!"

Pamela gets up off of the bed & grabs jack while crying.

"I'm sorry Jack! Last night was a mistake! I've been losing my mind over this marriage!"

"So you fuck my father!"

"No jack please it was a mistake"

Jack pushes Pamela off of him & she falls on the bed.

Pamela picks herself up & begins to shout in anger.

"FUCK YOU! YOUR FATHER WAS THE ONLY PERSON WHO SHOWED ME HE CARED FOR ME THESE PAST WEEKS SINCE WEVE BEEN HERE! & YOU KNOW WHAT I JUST MIGHT LEAVE YOU FOR HIM BECAUSE HE CARES FOR ME & HE SCREWS ME WAY BETTER!"

Jack smacks Pamela in the face.

"Loves you?! My father does not love you! He's with my mother you homewrecker!"

"No, he wants me he told me so."

As we continue to argue.

I thought to myself I never thought that I would fall for Gerald but I did.

He was the only one that has shown me he cared about me from the moment Jack & I git married.

It might sound strange but you have to give the heart what it wants.

After this altercation, Jack & I filed for divorce.

something that we should've done a year ago.

Gerald is not together but I don't regret my feelings for him.

He showed me more love than what his son has shown me.