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Suspense Thriller

“WATCH IT!” Charlie exclaimed as he steered his bicycle swiftly to the side, where he was thrown off, and watched helplessly as his prized possession skidded into the street, only to be quickly trampled by a passing box truck. Charlie had been riding down the sidewalk of the big city when he was startled by a man who appeared out of a doorway very abruptly, causing him to swerve and crash. “NO NO NO!” Charlie yelled, disheartened by his demotion to a pedestrian status. Charlie was on his way to catch a train across town to a prospective new job, one that represented hope to him, and his family, of improving their lives. Charlie’s hope was soon snuffed out when he dragged his bicycle out of the street, where angry motorists had been cursing his broken ride as they themselves swerved around it, and he saw that the bike wheel had been crushed and destroyed. “Oh my! I’m terribly sorry!” said the fellow, who was remarkably well dressed for this part of town. The man, dressed in a grey suit-jacket, tie, and slacks, with a light blue dress shirt, the color of the afternoon sky above, helped Charlie bring the dismembered bike up onto the sidewalk. “Why are you in such a rush anyways?” inquiried the stranger. “Because, mister! I'm already running late!  I need to get to this interview, or else my family will soon be out of a place to stay! And you just put me further behind schedule!” replied a frustrated Charlie. Although he’s only recently turned 18, Charlie is no stranger to the responsibilities of adulthood. His family, although proud of their heritage, with his great grandfather coming straight off the boat from Ireland, still hasn’t made the greatest life for themselves. Charlie is desperate to change that and ease the worries of his parents as much as he can. His mother, bless her soul, stays at home to tend to his 3 younger brothers and his sister. His father, a steelworker, recently suffered an injury on the job and was let go from the company. Charlie knows all too well that he needs this job. 

Charlie still has several miles to go to the nearest train station, and at this rate, he’d need a jet powered scooter if he were to make it on time. With his long, slightly greasy, brown hair falling into his face, he heaved his bike, utterly ruined, into a nearby dumpster, never to be seen again. “Goodbye old friend, you’ve served me well over these years.” And with that, he set off on foot, desperate to catch his train. “Best of luck!” shouted the peculiarly sharp-dressed man from the sidewalk, as Charlie ducked away into an alley. “Buzz off!” Replied Charlie. 

The alley, which, before the accident, was too uneven and crowded with debris for his bike to navigate, now served as a shortcut for the determined teen. He would head north until he reached 59th street, hang a sharp left and continue on until he reaches his next mode of transportation. The sun, already past the highest point in the sky, occluded by one building, cast a shadow on the alley between the next building. Charlie let out an exhausted sigh at the task before him and continued on. 

 As he hiked through the shadowy alleyways and busy sidewalks, he thought back to the interview he had set up with a man over the phone. “Ha! No, nothing illegal,” chuckled the hearty voice through the landline, “Just dangerous, at times. You’ll be compensated fairly, and this work will be rewarding, I assure you!” Charlie listened to the man speak, unsure of whether to believe him, but in dire need of employment before the family’s landlord decides it’s been one too many late payments. Charlie was on his way to the 34th floor of a tall building downtown, which he normally only saw in the distance. His gut, usually spot on, couldn’t decide on this one, but he decided to give it a go regardless. 

Just two blocks away from his turn, Charlie again ran into a different man stepping out from around a corner, dropping his unlit cigarette from his mouth into a murky puddle. “Watch where you’re goin, kid!” the angry man shouted as he grasped Charlie by the shirt collar and pushed him into a chain-link fence. “Get off of me!” Charlie spat in the man’s face as he tried to pry his lanky frame free from the man’s unyielding grip. “Please, I need to hurry!” pleaded Charlie, feeling the seconds slip helplessly through his fingers. “You should be more careful, before something bad happens,” the man replied with a sly grin as he released Charlie. Charlie stumbled away, looking back at the man just once before taking off running north. The hand-me-down watch on his wrist slowly but surely ticked away. 

Charlie made it to his turn, with 10 minutes to spare, and an 11 minute obstacle course ahead of him. He raced down the street and dodged the people giving him nasty looks along the walkway. He yelled back apologetically when he’d bump an elbow or get too close to someone, his mind traveling faster than his feet. Although his thoughts had been elsewhere, it became all too apparent that the sky had now turned a nasty dark color, and Charlie could feel the little messengers from the clouds telling him to go home. 

The train station soon came into view, in all its glory. Crumbling bricks and forlorn gutters seemed to call out to Charlie as he raced up to the doors. He flung one open and threw himself out of the rain and into the dimly lit station. As he ran up to the ticket counter, the air grew deathly still. Stuck behind several people, and hearing that the train would soon be departing, his mood became as gloomy as the weather outside. “Move! I need to get on that train! Please!” Charlie demanded forgiveness as he pushed his way up to the counter. “Young man, you need to learn your manners!” scolded a disgruntled older woman who was next in line. The man at the ticket counter seemed to take his time as Charlie frantically tapped his fingers on the aged wooden countertop. Charlie couldn’t take it any longer and turned to charge towards the train, ticket or no ticket. 

Up the steps to the platform he flew as the train doors began to close. As he reached the top stair, his gaze rose to meet the eyes of the owner of the grey slacks that stood in his way. “Charlie, it appears your train is about to leave you behind.” said the man with the blue dress shirt. “Mister! Please let me through! Wait… I didn’t tell you I was taking the train…” Charlie heard a clap of thunder overhead as the man began to chuckle. “Charlie, we've had our eyes on you from the moment you accepted the interview.” The man grinned mischievously as he stepped closer to Charlie, “We gave you the chance to prove yourself, and you failed.” “I… I don’t understand?” Charlie took a step back but again bumped into the man he had met in the alleyway, this time he was wearing the same suit as the other man. “Good to see you again, kid.” Charlie’s jaw dropped in perplexed astonishment as his train began to roll away from the station, as did his chance of a new job, but right now, he had bigger issues on his hands. 

“We gave you three opportunities, and at all three turns you chose to be rude and disrespectful.” The first man grew angrier, but Charlie only heard ringing in his ears. “Now, you’ve missed your train, and that will cost you dearly!” Charlie felt the hands from the alley again grab him, this time by the arm, and he felt himself being pulled away from the platform, the train already fading out of sight. “But… my family! That job, I need that job!” stammered Charlie, desperate for the chance to change his lot in life. “Oh, that job? You won’t be needing that anymore.” Charlie’s  knees gave way as he slumped down, and both men began dragging him towards a door. “Trust me Charlie, your family… they’ll figure it out, and they’ll think fondly of you for trying.” Charlie writhed in protest, but as he was drug through the door, into the darkness, his last thought was of his family, and how he just wanted to make them proud, “I’m sorry mom and dad, you raised me better…” 

October 20, 2022 18:29

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1 comment

Ron Davidson
18:24 Oct 27, 2022

Liam, Your story showed up on the "critique circle" email for me and I'm glad you were on the list! I enjoyed your story! I liked the rapid pace your story developed at the end. They asked me to critique and no critique would be true if it were all roses and butterflies, so here goes... While your pace increased at the end, the beginning lagged a little. It shouldn't because there is quite a bit of action. The main cause, I think, is exposition. Think of ways to explain your protagonist background without spelling it out. You could do ...

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