Sunshine

I asked her to meet me at the coffee shop where we first met. I got there early because I didn’t want to leave her waiting. I can’t really express how nervous I was to see her again. I don’t think she’ll be as nervous, she might not even remember me. I ordered a cup of coffee and sat down near the window. The weather didn’t seem to help. It was raining a lot and it didn’t seem like it would stop. Every time I imagined her walking through the coffee shop door my heart began to race. Maybe this was a bad idea? The wind picked up as if fueling my doubts. I fiddled with the handle of my coffee cup. I focused on the round curve of it and how it connected to the porcelain bowl. I focused on the dark color of the fragrant coffee in it. I focused on anything just to not focus on her. We hadn’t seen each other in years but she still remained the only person I could talk to. I knew it wouldn’t be the same for her. She probably had her life together by now. I spent a long time trying to call her. In the end I ended up sending her a text because I couldn't bear the thought of her voice.

The bell on the coffee shop door signaled a new customer. I slowly looked up and there she was. Her hair seemed longer but everything else was the same. She looked well. She smiled at me, I smiled back. I got up from my chair and embraced her. She smelled so familiar and the memory almost triggered tears. I lost myself in her embrace and held her too long. She let go and looked at me.

“I got married” she said as she extended her left hand with pride.

“Hmm… that’s it? I would at least buy something bigger than that.” I teased.

She laughed and answered “I like the simple things in life.”

“So, is he good to you?” I asked.

“He’s sweet and he listens.”  She giggled.

“That’s it!” I teased back again.

We laughed for a second and then shared a painful silence.

“Well, I’m glad you’re happy, truly.” I continued.

“Thanks” she smiled back. “How about you? Anyone special?”

“No, no I’ve been working for the past couple years, I haven’t really had time for any of that.”

“That’s a shame, you haven’t changed at all” she sighed. “I might have some friends to introduce you to.”

We both laughed. I wanted to address everything we went through but I knew we would just laugh and never really acknowledge it.

“Can I get you anything? A cup of coffee or something to eat?”

“I’ll have a cup of peppermint tea.”

“Tea? I thought you hated tea.”

She laughed awkwardly. “Umm... yeah I’m pregnant I can’t really drink coffee”

My heart sank. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked to meet. It’s selfish. She has her life. It’s not her fault I have no one else to talk to. I can’t be worrying her with my problems or even expect her to worry at all. Is that what I wanted? For her to worry and make it feel like she still cared for me.

“Anyway, why did you ask to meet?” she questioned.

I didn’t know anymore. I really wish I hadn’t. I thought I would feel better but this feels wrong. 

“Oh, you know to catch up. Maybe make peace if we need to.” I lied back.

“Peace? It’s been five years...”

“Has it really?” I interrupted.

She laughed and time stopped. She was beautiful. It seemed as if her smile brought the sun with it. The rain stopped and I felt at peace. This is enough. This is more than enough. I just wanted to see her one last time. This was the reason I was here and nothing more. I can’t believe i let her go, what an idiot.

“I loved you. I really did. And I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for not being there when you needed me and I’m sorry for always being caught up with work.” I rambled. Then I paused and looked up. Like always she smiled.

“Is that your peace?” she asked.

I guess it was. I needed forgiveness before I left. My biggest regret was hurting the woman I love. And as punishment I would live the last of my days without her. I would live in the rain without the sunshine she carries with her. Even though it was what I wanted I felt shame in wanting it. After all, I didn’t deserve her forgiveness, especially not now.

“Yeah I guess so.” I replied with a sigh.

“Well then I forgive you. It’s been five years and I’ve moved on. I think you should too. I should go now, I don’t want to be here too late.” She picked up her bag and embraced me again.

“Thank you for coming.” I urged to get any last things out. “And good luck with your family.”

“Thanks. Good luck to you too. Oh, and find someone, it might help.”

She walked towards the door and waved one last time with a smile. That was it. I would never see her again. But because I loved her I couldn’t say goodbye. It seemed like yesterday she was all mine and I took her for granted. Now that I needed her she was someone else’s. And because I loved her it was better this way. She would live her life with her new family and never wonder about me. Her forgiveness was enough she didn’t need to know that I was dying. Two years of tests and procedures and six months of chemo with no results. The doctors gave me three months to live and it took me two to muster up the courage to see her. But it was all worth it now. All the time it took to get here. All for fifteen minutes of sunshine. I finished my coffee and headed home. The rain began to pour again but I didn’t bother opening my umbrella.