unsaid words

My mouse lingers over the friend request button. Her face stares back at me. It isn’t the most attractive picture, but I think it shows her personality well. She’s smiling, happy. 

Everyday I linger on her profile. I also write her a message, things I would’ve said if we still spoke. Small things.

I ran into Chris at the grocery store today. I don’t think he saw me though.

I ordered fried chicken at this new restaurant down the street from my apartment. It doesn’t taste the same as the one back home.

I found this new workout on youtube. I think you’d like it because I hated it.

I thought this video was funny.

I have a million other things to say. Like I’m sorry. I don’t write that down, because speaking it implies that I take the blame for what happened between the two of us.

We’re on opposite sides of the country now. I’ve moved to California like I’ve always wanted to, and she stayed in New York, like she always wanted to. After a bit of digging, I find that she is an intern at some biology lab.

I’m still getting my degree here in California, for some PhD that you thought was useless. I don’t think it’s a useless degree, though. You were probably jealous that I was so much better than you in high school.

I’m happy for your success though. Are you happy for me? You probably think I’m crazy for leaving everyone behind. I think they’re all losers.

No matter how hard I try, you occupy all the small corners of my life. I have a date in 20 minutes. I can imagine you scrolling through his instagram and judging his every single outfit. I’m doing my makeup, still remembering the tips you gave me from middle school. 

It’s time for me to go. Before I leave, I write another message that I will never send.

I’ve liked this guy for a few months and I finally got a date with him!! He’s super cute and funny. I’d think you like him.

Cancel. Drafts. I have 1349 messages that I will never send.

I walk out of my apartment. I hate the style, but I know you’d love it, the exposed brick and ancient appliances. Vintage, you would say. Broken, I would reply back.

The weather is somewhat chilly. I layer up with my university sweater and sweatpants.

That’s no outfit to be wearing on your first date.

It isn’t. I’ve known him for a few months though, and we’re already good friends. He’s seen all my good outfits.

Yeah, but it’s your first date. Don’t you want to make an impression?

I sigh. You’re right.

I change into a semi-form-fitting summer dress layered over a white turtleneck. I put on my fleece-lined leggings and black peacoat.

I like this. Much better.

Thank you. I think it was a better idea to wear this too.

I put my headphones in and play the songs you always hated.

Can you turn off that music? It’s so noisy. It gives me a headache. Can you listen to normal music like a normal person?

This music makes me happy though. I don’t criticize what you listen to, so why do you have to criticize me?

Because those songs are shit, that’s why.

I am still self-conscious of my interests.

Aren’t you 24? Why do you still have posters on your walls? You’re not a child.

Shut up shut up shut up.

I walk down the street to the local bubble tea shop. It’s new, and I think it’s super cute. As always, I’m a few minutes late. I feel nervous, a sudden bout of anxiety coming over me.

Just go in. It’s not that hard.

It is that hard though. Having the same anxiety attacks I had when I was 16.

Take a deep breath. One step at a time. You got this.

I walk inside the shop.

I check the time on my phone. 2:47. I’m two minutes late and he still isn’t here.

Calm down. Not everyone is super crazy with time like you are.

You’re right. I scroll through my socials for a few minutes until he comes walking through the door.

“Hey!” I smile when he waves to me. I’ve known him since I started graduate school, but I didn’t work up the courage to talk to him until we got paired up for a lab. I’ve already “told” you the details. He’s a year older than me, ridiculously funny, amazing fashion sense, and incredibly intelligent. You’d think he’s perfect for me.

While I was waiting to muster the courage to say hi, I could hear you laughing at me.

He’s not that scary. Just say hi.

It was hard to even make eye contact with people.

I know it’s hard. But you’re not gonna get anywhere just staring at him.

I never got the courage to go up and talk to him. Lucky for me, we got paired up for a physics lab. And now here we are.

“Hey!” I wave. “How are you?”

He smiles. “You look beautiful.”

“I asked how you were, not how I look.”

Hahahaha. Good one.

He smirks. “I’m wonderful. Because I get to look at you. Did you order yet?”

I roll my eyes. “We’re on a date. Shouldn’t I wait for you?”

“See, but you always order while you wait for me.”

“Maybe if you weren’t always so late.”

I laugh. “Go get me a passionfruit green tea, no sugar. With boba!”

“Anything for you.” He bows mockingly.

You still drink your tea without sugar?

That’s your fault. You and your crazy dieting. It affects the people around you.

Just drink it with sugar. It’s not going to kill you.

No, I’m good.

I take out my phone and open up Twitter. Do I look at your profile or not? Old habits die hard.

I feel my anxiety rising again.

Are you scared of me? I thought we were friends.

We were friends.

“Are you alright?” He leans over my shoulder. “Who’s that?”

I pause for a second.

“No one.”

Are you really gonna say I’m nobody?

Yeah I am.

He hands me my tea. “Then why are you on her profile? You’re supposed to be on a date with me.”

“Okay. Then I will do date things with you right now.” I kiss him on the cheek.

Wow, your flirting has improved. I’m proud of you. Really, I am.

He blushed. “That’s what I want to see.”

“What do people even do on dates anyways? Like I already know you.”

He shrugs. “Just whatever. Have you never been on a date before?”

Lie. Make yourself seem cooler than you are. Also add a touch of mystery.

I’m too honest for that.

“No,” I admit. “You’re the first person I’ve ever been on a date with.”

He smirks. “Proud to be the first.”

“Can we just do homework or something?”

You’re such a loser. Asking to do homework on a date?

He laughs. “Yeah sure. But you have to kiss me for every problem I get right.”

“Good thing you don’t get any problems right.”

He pats me on the head. “I’m actually a genius, you know. A genius that will get lots of kisses.”

I blush. “Can we go back to my apartment?”

Oooh. Good one. What are you planning?

To do homework together. And possibly more kissing.

“Alright. Take me there.”

I take his hand and we walk out the shop with our drinks.

He puts his arm around me. “I love being with you.” He looks me in the eye. I am painfully aware of how close our faces are.

He puts his hand on my cheek. “I’ve liked you since I saw you on the first day of class. You were quiet, mysterious, but you had this energy, I couldn’t explain it. I wanted to talk to you a few times, but you just brushed me off.”

I frown. “I don’t remember that.”

He laughs. “I went up to you a few times, but you just looked incredibly angry. I didn’t know that was your resting face until we became friends. I’m really glad we got paired that day.”

I throw my arms over his shoulders. “I’m really glad we got paired that day too. I always liked you too, you know.”

He pulls me closer. “I probably liked you first.”

I shake my head. “I’ve definitely liked you longer.”

He smiles so wide that his eyes squint. “Can I kiss you?”

I nod and come closer to his face. I close my eyes and we kiss.

After what feels like forever, I pull away, my heart beating loud in my chest.

He puts a strand of hair behind my ears. “That was nice. Can we do more at your apartment?”

I am about to answer, until I look over his shoulder.

I see you.

You’re not as built as you are in your instagram photos, but I knew they were edited in the first place. You’re wearing a black tank top and jeans and a flashy belt. The New York style I never really liked.

I blink to make sure I’m not seeing things. But no, it’s really you.

You make eye contact with me. You look a bit surprised. You lift your arm to wave at me.

I look away though.

We walk back to my apartment.