Easy

​“EASY”

And once again, morning. I had an alarm set, always and always the same time. Once again though, it never rang. I was always, or I should say, usually always up before the sound. Up before neighbors, up before birds chirping, and up before the sun. It was kind of a godsend that I never heard the alarm even if it was an hour early. More peaceful this way. There was no panic, and there was no question.

So, up 34 minutes before my alarm. I knew perfectly the day, what my day would be, what had to be done in the day. I knew what time I had to be, where I needed to be and when I had to be. What time I would need to be in my day for my day to be done. I knew with all my times this would be an easy day. I then knew what the day after my actual day would bring. What time I would need to be there, where I would have to be at the certain times I needed to be.

All this I thought and only a minute had passed. As you can probably tell, most of the days, well actually all of the days were just this.  Easy. The thoughts first, actions later.  Every day seemed the same with varying discrepancies throughout. But always, the times were the same. This I have found out is more common among many others then I had thought. This though, I did not believe when I asked people. They told me everything was the same. For some reason I struggled to believe this. The world couldn’t be this routine and easy for most.

So, these discrepancies  ranged in the forms of emotions and feelings. Was today a day I would spend happy all day, and in turn make others just as happy? Would I be quiet and seemingly a long never-ending day? How long would the clock read 10:07 a.m? Maybe something while I bought my morning bagel would spark excitement that would last the day’s entirety. Could one little thing set me off with fits of rage and anger to last throughout the day. This was an everyday adventure I had no choice but to face in anticipation. I knew though, every day was the same and thinking now, a very easy situation in life today.

So now it was roughly the seventh minute into waking up and my emotion had not yet been set. As with others, and this one I do believe, the normal daily routines as performed by millions. The simple task of, and your list may vary, but mine is as follows: Caffeine, only a little; eat, but again only enough to fill my stomach until my bagel; shower, shave, brush teeth, easily done, easy. I’m already dressed with the basic clothing at this point. Socks, a nicer shirt, the sweater if it was cold and shoes. Couldn’t get much easier than this. I had my shoes rigged so I never had to tie them, but for some reason, from time to time, I would untie them only to realize I didn’t have to. Laughing I thought, maybe not so easy. Damn-it was sometimes my first vocalized word of the day. And finally, among other tiny nuances, my door opened to start another day. Easy enough and mostly don’t think twice of this.

Within a week, all had changed, still I had the mundane easy tasks in the morning. But somehow, out through my door,the world stopped. Maybe even sped up, I hadn’t decided that yet. Breathing our own air seemingly overnight had become bad for us. Something was in the air and to breathe the air from others now was a no no. A virus hit the world quickly and unseen by all of us. We are safe, but to breathe or touch another was a risky business now. Talks of a quarantine had started. England and France had already begun one and I think we all knew we were next. But still, my easy little morning tasks still had to be completed.

Now another week passed, and quarantine would begin at midnight. Stores were packed, although many would stay open, grocery stores, liquor stores, gas stations, people were in a panic. Me, however, was not in a panic. I would still go to work. I provided food, so at this time, safe to work, well as safe as could be considering.

Now, day four into the quarantine. I still worked but now waking wondering what emotion would be brought forth; it was predetermined as of now. A knot is what I woke up to every morning, actually what I fell asleep to with every evening. A knot of, I guess, anxiety. I had not had anxiety since the last time I took a drink, eleven years ago. But there it was. And with that change of predetermined emotion, I was scared how long this would occur. Did I take it for granted those easy never changing tasks and times.

It only took until day six to start thinking, maybe just a sip to go to sleep. I tried it and yes, one sip, a large sip though, but no knot. It only took until day seven to realize if a sip did that, what could two sips do. People more than ever were taking advantage of alcohol’s effects and now again, I was. It only took until day eight to realize that with two sips before bed, I would now need one sip in the morning. Just one.

Still, I was up before my alarm hit its numbers, but harder it was to get up. Realizing this after a one sip morning, I realized something else by day nine. A three sip night follow by a two-sip morning before my alarm hit and, before I made any attempt to rise from underneath the blankets.

Day ten hit, only a two-sip morning, but really noticed something, and my first thought was how much trouble I might be in. I made it through the shower and shave, only cut my face once. Hadn’t done that in years. I thought luckily my toothbrushwas an electric type so I couldn’t notice my shaky hand. But probably just tired?

Going to sleep that night I didn’t even remember if I had forgotten that my shoes were tied before I put them on.  I didn’t even know why I was thinking this. Such simple thoughts. Sleep came after half a bottle, with absolutely no thought to this,which I would soon regret. I woke up again, just before the alarm, but not quickly enough to silence it. Thank God I had my two-sip morning program. There was enough for three sips and Lord knows I took advantage of it. I needed more but there was no more. Lightheaded, dizzy, I realized when I made it to the shower thirty minutes had passed. I didn’t even eat my small amount. I struggled in the shower, shaking slightly, but it was cold out, at least that’s what I thought. I cut myself twice shaving, I really remembered this being easier. Brushing my teeth, went from about a minute and a half to about twenty seconds. I had to sit down. Bottle was empty. I never got my morning bagel.

Day eleven started with more than two sips as the night ended with more than half a bottle again. Almost crawling to the shower, as hot as possible and right back into bed. I’ll shave in a moment; again, time had escaped me. I knew I had to shave and start the day. Funny how the ease of this had turned more and more difficult. I cut myself two times again. The second one, the bleeding for the life of me wouldn’t stop. And the shoes. I retied them. Damn it. I tied them back up only to realize my foot was not in either one of them. So, I untied again, and again, damn it.

Day fourteen I made a realization that if I shower, shave the night before, it was of so much more ease, and more time for the bleeding to stop. Although I wasn’t going to work anymore at this time, I still felt the need to be dressed, no matter now difficult this had become, hence the short cut. But still, tying my shoes had become my biggest obstacle. On day twelve, I vaguely remember staring at them. I knew much time had gone by and still they were not on my feet. At one point, the laces lay beside them, completely out of the holes. I was dumbfounded on what to do next with them.

This thought remained on day twelve, and through day fourteen. It was so easy I laughed at least. I think I did. When finally getting to the shoe tying event for the day, today there was a diagram next to them. Headline read “instructions.” Still, I guess, twenty minutes gone by. I still knew I had to be confused on what I do with them. And yes, I did try to lace the paper of “instructions” at one point. It was once so simple, I thought. Life in general was once so easy.