The Hamster Wheel

Around the tree and down the hole, I say to myself as I attach the tag to my hopefully under 50-pound, hot pink rolling luggage. I can’t help but think of Alice as she jumps into wonderland in her gingham dress, wide eyed and clueless, yet she goes anyway. That is me, I am Alice.

I ungracefully launch my bag onto the platform like a Saint Bernard required to weigh in when visiting the vet’s office, hoping the Veterinarian isn’t judging, knowing full well your Bruno is pushing the limits! We’ve made it, I chose not to look actually, in similar fashion to when I take myself to the doctor’s office and I swear they add 10 pounds just to make things fun, so not fun. 

Heading now to security, dressed in a matching two-piece outfit that can be described only as comfortable and some slip on Uggs, there is no turning back now, we’ve come this far so we might as well make the journey.

It’s not that I wasn’t excited to head to my cousin’s wedding, I am sure it will be a lovely time, it’s just that I was going alone, which was never the plan but is ultimately what happened. You see, my boyfriend, well ex-boyfriend now, Chase (which in retrospect I should have run just from his name), had broken up with me a few days prior. We’ve been together for 7 years, we made sense, we finished each other’s sentences, we liked the same foods, we were for sure the couple that was going to make it, but we didn’t.

On this side of it, while I walk with purpose to the gate, avoiding eye contact with all humans in an effort to not have to smile, I do feel some relief. Yes, I know that sounds horrible, but maybe the me that was with Chase wasn’t actually me at all. Maybe I am realizing that I had morphed into some version of me that the world, friends, family had expected me to become and in doing so I left the core of who I really am, behind. 

It was an accident, no one intentionally leaves a part of their essence behind, you walk through life with everything that makes you, you tucked inside. You play through the thoughts, feelings, memories, fears day in and day out to continue to touch the pieces of the giant puzzle that you are, the unique little snowflake so as to say, I still see you, I still feel you, we’ve got this. All the while, we don’t really have it, we have the hamster wheel, the standard issue, like the recorder in elementary school, we are assigned and required to use or else. Not sure if there is a way to get out of recorder playing, like medically, or for religious reasons, no way though, or at least I haven’t found one to escape the hamster wheel of life. Now boarding, a continuous cycle of responsibilities, obligations, stress, defeat, your very own ongoing lather, rinse, repeat. 

When you are in a relationship you get to park your hamster wheels next to each other and hold hands if you choose to try to keep a similar pace. I’ve always found that odd, similar to couple’s massages but other people are massaging each of you so it’s like a couples massage with two more people and you are having your own individual experiences but you are together which adds spice to your relationship somehow. I mean, no thank you, I really don’t need to hear my person moaning, or gasping when an area triggers an audible response, I am good, let’s get massages in individual rooms and then hang out afterwards, each feeling very relaxed. Anyway, back to the wheel, Chase and I had done all of the things an in love couple was supposed to do, joint bank accounts, 5 year plans, cohabitating, getting to know each other’s families, having friend groups that were new to both of us not just inherited friends that belonged to one or the other, we even adopted a puppy as our first attempt at being responsible to keep something besides ourselves alive. His name was Max which is like everyone’s dogs name, I don’t love it but it suits him. I wanted to name him Armadillo or Chalupa just because we could, there weren’t any rules, you get to choose, why did we have to have a dog named Max, with dreams of 2.5 kids and a white picket fence? Now we didn’t, it was over, the shared custody of Max would be our only tie, the rest was behind us. 

Just yesterday as I was packing for the trip, Chase’s hamster wheel was moved, I am not even sure where it’s parked now, I will have to find out I guess in order to exchange Max, but for now I am good with not knowing. Maybe I will never need to know, maybe we can make the exchange at a neutral location, that seems like a better plan. Hand me the leash, a little backpack of essentials and move along. 

The man at security looks right through me, I understand, I’ve lost some of my shine, I left it behind too along with the boxes filled with love and memories, well the memories are available to me, full access to those, but the love Chase and I shared, it’s forever packed into storage to one day be disposed of, little mice might get into it and shred up the once intact, growing, blossoming, joy filled love leaving it in chunks along with mouse turds which definitely add a nice touch. Love and waste all right next to each other, coupled up, existing side by side. How is waste used for something you no longer need and can toss, excrement and also a completely pointless use of time, what a heavy word? 

 It is sad how something you valued, that held an important place in your life can become a forgotten part of you stuffed into a box and kept inside of another cold and dark box. No longer seeing the light of day, just forever still, stuck, trapped in time where it was left behind. 

Time to board, why is it that airports make you feel exhausted, is it because we are all scurrying about like cattle just waiting for something to happen? Do cattle realize they are waiting or are they just mindlessly moving, do they anticipate things, good or bad, do they know it’s time to eat, get milked or head to their doom?

I could have gotten a great night’s sleep which I didn’t at all but that is beside the point, if I had I would somehow still be exhausted while waiting for the plane, everyone is, maybe because of their own hamster wheels they aren’t able to escape. I look around and wonder what everyone’s story is, are they getting away from it all, going back to it all, unexpectedly traveling, is it for something exciting like a wedding, and what are they leaving behind? Forgotten toothbrushes, shoes for the big night out, curling iron, electric shaver, or perhaps like me, they’ve left life as they once knew it.