The Shadow

Falling asleep has always been a difficult job for me. The cold night awakens my soul (at least whatever is left of it). Every night the same old dream which slowly starts haunting and becomes my only reality. I ask myself every night, when will this end? The only answer I get is another night full of misery. These constant thoughts ramble in my head throughout the day, and with these thoughts I dim the lights, close my eyes and let the horror consume me.

“Good Morning Maa!” the daylight and her smile what else do I live for? After another dreadful night I try to wake up with all my might, brushing away the thought of the darkness. These days the alarm clock does not really help, but Tia does. Her little voice pulling me out of the haunted place I relive every night. I breathe in, it still feels difficult to consume this fresh air and I try to start my day.

Standing in the kitchen with the morning cup of coffee I think about the abrupt decision of coming back to this quaint little town which was once my home, away from the busy days like in the city. The city, where; I drowned my youth just so I could escape these nightmares, I don’t really remember when the nightmares really started but all I remember is it has been a part of me. The city did provide an escape from them, at least most of the times; some nights would pass by because of the bitter combination of tequila and rum intoxicating me to sleep, some with coffee and work to keep me awake. So far, the only thing that helped was ‘Tia’, Tia came into my life like sunshine. Who could believe a night of intoxication would change my life. Being a single mother has been difficult; but Tia has been the only medicine to the unsettling feeling and haunted nights. She almost took away all the pain I had and all that was left was love. Coming back to my home town with her, was the best decision I had ever taken; but with this happiness also came back the dreadful nightmares.

“Maa pack an extra sandwich with pickles” her voice breaks me from my thoughts. I pack her tiffin and drop her at the bus stop. Coming back home all alone is not the ideal kind of day but I have to. I go to my room and try to wash off the uneasy feeling. I soak myself in the bathtub and rest my head, trying to gather my thoughts together. I have to meet a few deadlines and I have no clue how it is all going to turn out, I need to push off the chaos and work on the articles. *Crack* I hear the door to my room creak open. I get up unsettled and wrap myself in a robe, I come out to see who it is; at this hour the house is only to me, I search around and I see it, the Shadow. The shadow that creeps in my dreams at night and haunts me, I follow it but it disappears. My heart beats faster as I try to fathom the surrounding, am I going crazy. I turn around and try to understand how the locked door opened. I go back to my room and change into a pair of pyjamas, throughout everything I do; I feel something lurking around me. The temperature of the room is going down and I don’t understand if this chill is because of the temperature or my fear. I try to check the thermostat it’s shows the temperature to be normal, I try and call the handy man to check the thermostat but couldn’t connect. I go by the hall to the kitchen and fix myself a coffee. This is just an uneasy feeling I tell myself and start working. But the temperature of the room is dropping every second; the backyard has turned dark as if the night has come early. ‘AM I IN ONE OF MY DREAMS?’ This question starts haunting me when I feel an intense pain as if someone has bit me on the back of my leg. I see nothing, I am in excruciating pain, and I feel uneasy. This feels so real, I try calling the doctor but the line does not connect. I try to run out of the room, it looks windy and the atmosphere has turned out to be as if it’s midnight. I check my watch and it shows 11.30 am, it is still close to noon. I try to open the door when I feel my hand being pulled away from the door. I look back and I blackout.

 “Mom, you okay?” I feel light headed as I wake to the voice of a scared Tia sitting next to me holding my hands. I am in my room tucked in my bed. I can’t recollect what happened all I remember is the feeling, the irksome, chilly feeling of someone around me; I try hard to remember what made me pass out and all I can remember is the coldness of the night, it felt as if we were in the woods, and the smell of wet soil, I close my eyes and try to focus even more and I recollect those red, bloodshot eyes full of anger. I cuddle Tia as if it is the last time I could ever do this and I hear the familiar voice of Roy, he rushes in the room as soon as he realises I am awake. “How are you now?” he asked “Much better” I forced the words out of my dry throat. He looked worried and I enquired how he turned out to be my knight in shining armour. He was my primary emergency contact and the 911 Call I placed for help actually did go through. The rest of the day went by thinking about what happened to me today and what should I do about it.

***

A few days had passed by and I met a therapist, this wasn’t my first therapy session but this one was very important, this was the first time I felt it happening to me in the middle of the day. It wasn’t a dream anymore. The therapist had the same answer for this recurring phenomenon, he said these were symptoms of PTSD, but could not explain the reason for the same. I also met a priest, I don’t believe in ghosts; neither do I believe in the presence of spirits and demons. But this looked like the only option to find peace, the feeling of being trapped in my own house was unbearable. I had a lot of dark dreams where the shadow tries to lead me somewhere, but this was the first time I felt like this was more than a dream, I felt like I could be trapped forever. Trapped in a small space with barely any room for air and the overwhelming darkness; that could break ones soul. I had to try every possible way. After talking to our church’s priest I made my way to pick up Tia, when I reached the school the Teacher told me that Tia had already left; I went home and waited for her to come back. It was half past Eight and this was the first time Tia had not been home and she did not even call to inform the reason for the same. I called a few of her friends and found out that Tia wasn’t with anyone of them Panic settled in, I had to know where she is. I understood from Jeff, Tia’s friend; that she sometimes hung out near the Outskirts of the town by the Old Yard. I walked out of the house with my coat and the car keys. I was feeling restless and I had already tried her number a couple of times.

I drove to the yard and searched for her all around, surprisingly the place was familiar; I walked past the broken little cottage and the woods started. Small little plants and creepy insects, the silver of the moon providing a little lights to walk past. I called Tia another time, before switching on the flashlight of my cell phone. I walked a little more until I started feeling cold all of sudden and the smell, the dreadful smell of something rotten. I kept walking and trying to call Tia at the same time, at some point I lost my cell phone reception. Thank Goodness I had informed Roy before leaving. I walked past and suddenly I started feeling that my feet felt wet, I had my boots on but my feet felt like they were in this mushy land. I try to get rid of the feeling but I can't, but I walk away as I need to find Tia. I walk through the woods and all of a sudden I see Tia; her face bruised, leg bleeding and her clothes torn. I run to save her but how much ever I try I couldn't reach her. I howl out a cry of help with all the might I could gather, I can't stop weeping and neither can't she. I see her eyes the pain, the anger and all I could think about was the shadow. The shadow was here, the shadow is behind all of this. Suddenly I feel I couldn't breathe, not because of the pain or the fear but because I felt like someone trapped me somewhere in a small space. I could feel the air but couldn't breathe, I felt trapped and I ached for my daughter. I was looking at her face bruised and scratched, felt like a rabied dog did it. I stared at her face and stared and something different but familiar happened. I could see someone, someone behind Tia, a shadow; the same shadow that haunted my dreams, for the first time the shadow felt to be so close to me. I was scared for Tia and wanted to save her but I was trapped and couldn't move. I begged to the shadow, I cried and asked Tia to move. I could see my wrist bleeding for no apparent reason and I could feel the pain, I looked at the shadow and found a familiar face and I lost my consciousness.

The next day I found myself in the hospital with Tia by my side with no sign of bruises, I had a broken wrist and an head injury which I could not explain. Thanks to Roy who came to save me. The entire time in the hospital the only thought I had was of the shadow, I knew her. I don't know how, why and when but I knew her.

***

The next few weeks were just sweaty and restless nights and the fear that I may loose Tia. I tried my best to keep calm and think it was a psychotic episode, but all of it was real. I had constant bruise marks which did not go away and the injuries of that night were not fading away any time soon. The doctors couldn't find a medically suitable reason for these injuries. I continued therapy, I was scared but this time it was more about Tia than I and this time I couldn't go wrong. It was the night before the School's Founder Party when things got worse.

I got ready to be the chaperon for the School's Founder Day Ball; it felt normal after a very long time. I was wearing a beautiful dress and Tia looked so pretty; she left a few minutes before me with Jeff. I grabbed my car keys and that's when my wrist felt like it broke completely and I heard the shrill noise of Tia shouting, I ran to the door but couldn’t open it. I heard someone bang the door from the other side and it made me jump. Was it Tia? The knocks, the constant knocks on the door felt so familiar. The unearable noise, the storm it felt like I had been through this before; Déjà vu that’s what I felt the actions that were going on to be like. Finally I could see the shadow and I looked into her eyes and suddenly her face became more visible. Her face was so familiar and finally I knew why this is happening to me, why it all started.

It all started the summer of ’93, my cousin came to our place and since that summer nothing has been normal. It all started with the same old nagging and filthy comments that we shoot at each other. The same old “Who is the best’ competitions. We grew up with this constant hate we had for each other. But this summer it had to be different, we were grown up and about to start our lives. That night I crossed my limits, it was a simple act of Revenge. I locked her out. It was cold, my aunt was not there and she needed to be punished, for stealing the guy I liked, for stealing Roy. It was the Founders Day Ball and I did not know things would turn the way they are right now. I saw her kissing Roy and everything turned upside down. Today had to be Roy and My Day, I was so angry that I asked a few of my friends to teach her a lesson, I locked her out in the blazing cold all by herself. She knocked the door, she kept on knocking. But I just ignored it all and went upstairs to the warmth of my room. All night she knocked the door, banged it and tried everything that one can think of. She went back to the yard, where there was the after school party and my friend led her to the woods. It had to be a simple small prank but the hell broke loose next day. The next morning it all had to end. But it did not; I woke up to sirens and shouting, cries and chaos. She was dead! She was stripped down and ripped apart, we were told it was wolves that attacked her, she was bitten and scratched; her face bruised and feet soiled. It had filled my heart with pain and guilt, I felt horrible. I felt so horrible that I omitted that part of my life completely. I forgot all about it and erased the gruesome deed I had done. But since then nothing was the same.

Every night the same dreams, the same knocking at my window, the barking of the dogs. The noise of the storm, when the nights are silent. No one believes me, but I could see her shadow everyday lurking in the dark. Finally it all made sense. I hear the storm cool down and the bruised face of the shadow approaching me. I see her smiling at my misery, I want to apologize but I am so scared that no word is coming out of my mouth. Her pale and scarred face inches closer to me and I stop breathing. I thought the end was near but at this moment that did not scare me. All I could think about was the past and the guilt I hid for such a long time. Maybe this is where it would all end, only relief being the fact that Tia was safe.

I could feel the bite on my leg again but I can't move, especially when her face is inches apart from me. Slowly I feel every bit of the pain she felt, the nails of the dogs piercing in my skin. The way her wrist broke as she fell down while running. The bruises on my face and finally the last attempt when she tried to hide in a small passage between an old rustic broken stone cave or whatever that was. Suddenly the land got mushy and disoriented and the soil slid down and stopped the air. She was alive but she could not breathe and I felt the same. I thought this was my end, I wanted to apologize; she wasn’t supposed to go so far in the woods. I closed my eyes and let the pain take over me, when Tia opened the room and my world shattered. I wanted her to run away but she ran to me as I was on the ground. I was scared and looked around to find the shadow, but she was long gone.

Since that day, the dreams have become more real and my life has become a game where I relive that night again and again. The pain, the fear, the filth; all of it. Every night I am running through the woods and getting trapped, losing my breath and waiting for death. She was locked out one night and I am Trapped in forever!