SHATTERED BEGINNINGS

I want to die, I really want to die now.

This cannot be happening to me, not on the supposedly most important day of my life

Thoughts buzzing in and out of my head, my heart racing, and my breathing becoming shallow, I place my right palm on my chest and grip the doorknob with my left hand to steady myself. 

 I wonder if they could hear my thundering heart. But they didn't seem to, they are completely engrossed in the dreadful act.

I begin to feel lightheaded and I think if I will pass out right there. 

I slowly close the door to the room, hoping they would notice me and at the same time wishing they would not. I did not have to worry about that as the passion between them was flaring high enough to burn down a building and totally tunnel their vision. 

I stagger to my room, holding onto the wall for leverage as I made my way to across the hallway, the air seemed to get more frigid with every breath I took. I begin to feel nauseous and smelt the pungent odor of rotten eggs but I knew it couldn't be. The hallway was sparkling clean and had been doused with vanilla air freshener just as the entire house had been. I had specifically asked the cleaners to do so because Brandon loved vanilla.

Brandon! Remembering his name brought hot liquid anger to my heart, the flood gates behind my eyes seem to open up and tears rush down my eyes momentarily jarring my visions. Brandon! How could he? How could both of them?

I finally get to my room, the room that was supposed to have been relegated the title of being my old room after I had gotten married.

I sit on the bed and try to think or at least make meaning of what I had just witnessed. I force my mind to backtrack a little to the moment before everything fell apart.

I had been alone in my room waiting for mom to call me downstairs so we could proceed to the church. After about 10 minutes of being alone and annoyingly nervous, I had decided to go see where she was. We were the only ones in the house as the rest of the family had gone on to the church.

I had stepped out of my room and started checking the other rooms, my pace slowed down by the bulk of my cream-colored wedding dress. I had checked her Abby first, Abby my sister's room all the while calling her and not getting any response.

I was just about to go back when I had heard a sound from the pantry. Eagerly hoping she was the one, I had bunched up my dress and quickened my steps to get to her. I wanted to really get married and I didn't want any further delay.

I had instead walked in on a rather shocking scene. My mother was kissing a man and from the clucking sound both of them made, they seemed to be totally caught up in the moment and oblivious to their surrounding. I thought it unusual because she never mentioned any man but I still found it sweet to have her behaving like a randy teenager. She had barely dated anyone ever since dad passed on, so the sight of her in a passionate embrace with a man was a surprise albeit a welcome one.

Smiling sheepishly, I had been about to leave when the man had turned his head slightly and I had noticed the cleft on his jaw. Something had stirred up in me on seeing that cleft, but I had brushed it away as being a mere coincidence. The absurdity of the thought had even brought a smile to my face.

There was only one man I knew that had a cleft, an amazing anomaly that only my Brandon had. I would recognize that cleft anywhere, I had kissed it at night, licked it with my tongue during the passionate throes of sex and there was no way he would be with my mother. I had chided myself being so caught up in reality tv shows that I would expect my life to be one.

But then he had raised his head ever so slowly, the only way Brandon did after he had been thoroughly kissed and I knew it was him. The auburn hair and those striking blue eyes that had made my heart stop beating the first day we met, the unruly way he touched his hair. Everything screamed Brandon.

He had looked at my mother in a different way, so different from the way he looked at her just last night when he came to see me. His eyes had that dreamy look that I knew so well and he had even grazed her lips with his thumb.

The sight of them had sent the air rushing out of my lungs in rapid succession. For 5 minutes, I had stayed there quietly watching as the two most important people in my life shattered my heart into pieces with axes and hammers.

I had not shouted, neither did I pass out nor run off to pull my mother's hair as the reality tv shows always portrayed. I had simply stood there and watched them, too stunned to believe it or even react. I had always wondered what my reaction would be when I was in a situation like this and even replayed my response but everything I had envisioned seemed to had flown away from my head.

Now, sitting in this room willing myself to cry, scream, or do anything all, I still cannot seem to do so. I feel numbness slowly creeping its way through my entire being. I take off the wedding dress, lay it by the side of the and curl into a ball next to it. Hugging myself tightly, I quietly wait for my mom to come to get me.

I still do not know what I'll do yet, but for now, I'll simply wait.