The Bond

                                                       The Bond

“You can come and see your mother”, the doctor said.

I went in and saw my mother sinking fast, at the deaths’ door .Her eyes were closed, she opened it twice, looked at me, vague and pale. She didn’t  want to say something. She looked relieved perhaps she was tired and worn out due to the slaps of time that she had received all her life. I sat beside her on the chair, I was looking continuously at the ECG machine. I was counting her breaths from the ECG.All I want to say “Don’t go , I couldn’t survive without you .Please stay Mom. I need you here.You are my only family.” I felt a sudden hollowness. I didn’t have a peaceful sleep for the last month. Hospital became second my home. I actually did not have any home. Since my childhood, I had seen my mother struggling to give me a meaningful life. We lived the life of gypsies. We used to move to different houses but still homeless. My mother never wanted me to make friends .She used to keep me indoors. She was always afraid of something, may be the people. She didn’t want me to mix up with the folks, maybe I get influenced by them and leave her like my father. I didn’t have any good memories of my father. The last time I saw him when he hit mama so badly that her nose started to bleed , her mouth was full of blood and I was so terrified , I started crying hysterically until the neighbors arrived and called the cops . But papa was gone. It might be possible that Police caught him but I didn’t have his glimpse after that day. Mama was bleed to death. Doctors had to give her thirteen stitches near her jawline. We stayed at the hospital for a week .After that incident I didn’t see my father and I felt extremely secured as a ghost or evil spirit was permanently gone after we did conjuration.

My eyes became heavy, once I looked at the ECG and the other moment at my mama. I didn’t know when I fell asleep. I saw myself walking in a vale. The weather was opalescent, murky, dismal and darkened. I could see the black blizzard standing above me. Everything looked grey. A channel was flowing near me. It was long as a python, its water was as dark as a wicked witch and it was taking twist and turns like a leopard. It had no end. I tried to look at myself in the waters but I couldn’t .The water was muddy. I raised my head and looked at the overcast .It seems that it would rain soon. Suddenly I saw a shadow of something white, long but vague. The shadow was in hurry . I ran after it but couldn’t catch it. It entered a tunnel. There was no light and it was getting darker. I couldn’t see the shadow but I was running madly after it. But when the tunnel ended, it faded away. I saw the clear sky above me . There was no one. I opened my eyes and looked at the ECG machine. The lines were flat. Mama was gone for the good. The doctors came in and asked me to fill the necessary forms only then I would be able to take the body. Mama became just a body. I couldn’t cry. I didn’t have anyone , not a single shoulder to cry on. I felt that my tears had lost in my eyes. Its just that they got dry.

On the day of funeral, my few office colleagues came. When I looked at mama, I felt that I was burying myself. I didn’t feel myself alive. Its just that I felt myself a walking shadow, a dead body. That day I realized that we don’t die alone , as a whole. We die in parts. When our loved ones die, our one part of soul loses his spiritual life. My one persona was gone with mama.

 Everyone was gone after the rituals. All my life I had never been mixed up with people and being lonely was the only way for me to live .But today I felt a strange alienation. I came home and went to bed, for an hour. I looked at the ceiling and closed my eyes.

“What kind of idiot you have given birth to, you whore?”

I woke up. I was fully drenched in sweat as I had taken a bath. I tried to drink water but couldn’t and unconsciously fell on the ground .I opened my eyes in the hospital room and its Emma and Ryan , my neighbors who came for the condolence of mama and took me to hospital after finding me unconscious. As I didn’t remember to shut the main door so they didn’t have any trouble to come into the house. The doctor came in and said in his ironically professional manner.

“Your temperature was 103 F. You were shivering badly. You should have called the emergency earlier. Anyhow take these medicines and you will have to stay here till tomorrow. You will remain under observation.”

What the doctor said I didn’t notice and started looking at the ceiling. Meanwhile, Emma came .

“How are you feeling now?”

“Nothing” I said in an absurd way.

“ Look Jack, You have to live for yourself. You need to take care of yourself on your own .”

I didn’t look at her and didn’t give her any reply.

“ I have to go now, if you need anything , you just need to call me”

After that she was gone. Emma and Ryan were my neighbors. They were very kind and perhaps the most genuine people I have ever met. Their home was the only place where I was allowed to play. But they didn’t have any kids. I can never understand the scheme of nature. My father had me but he never loved me. To him, I was a lunatic, idiot and a clumsy figure. These were the attributes with whom I was awarded by my father. But Emma and Ryan were childless .

It was in the middle of night that I woke up because of extreme noise and screams. I could not get up but its just that someone was in extreme pain. It was about 3 O’ clock. I just didn’t know but I felt myself connected with the voice that I heard, “You will be fine, It will take an hour and you will be okay”

I couldn’t see the woman but her voice had a soothing effect. I felt unconsciously attracted toward the voice. The next morning I was discharged from the hospital and before going to hospital I went to the graveyard to mamas’ grave. Whenever I came there I felt numb , suddenly I heard the same voice again. I turned around. There was a young girl with a ten years old boy. They put the flowers on the grave. The boys’ eyes were red and swollen and the girl was holding her hand. I just felt some connection with them, perhaps they reminded me of my mama. I unconsciously started chasing them. The girl looked back twice , may be she realized that I was chasing her. They reached a run-down neighborhood and stopped at an old house. I didn’t get a chance to come forward, the girl just gave me a solid punch right in the face that I fell down .

“Who are you ruffian, Why are you chasing us. Go away ,We don’t have anything for you”

“Hold on for a second, I am not a thief” I insisted.

“ Oh, then you must be an angel who started following us from the cemetery” She said sarcastically.

“Actually I heard your son crying in the hospital last night and today I saw you again at the graveyard so just ……..”

“What?” She was furious.

“ O k , my mother died a week ago in the same hospital and when I saw you with your son I just felt her presence. Anyhow I am sorry. It was not right for me to chase you” I told her while she was looking at me with her wide open eyes. The color of her eyes was hazel and they were deep o full of tears but they didn’t roll down and stayed in her eyes.

They next day I get up early as I didn’t go to office for the last week. I didn’t have breakfast , I just didn’t feel to have it. I reached the bus stop and entered the bus. I didn’t know but coincidentally the same girl with hazel eyes was sitting beside me. She looked at me and didn’t say anything. There was a complete silence for ten minutes. Then she took the initiative,

“ How are you”

“Fine” I said coldly as I could still feel the pain of the punch and didn’t want to get the second one.

“ O k, sorry to hear about your mother, I didn’t intend to hit you but the way you came I was scared and left with no other option."

She was right, It was my foolishness. Anyhow she told me that her name was Jasmine. The little boy was not her son. He was her younger brother. And that day when she came to hospital, her younger brother was not well. I didn’t ask about her parents . After half an hour the bus stopped she went for work and I went to my office. After a few days I met Jasmine again at the graveyard , she came to her mothers' grave. After that she came to me and took the initiative again.She asked me to go for a coffee and I accepted as I didn’t have anything to do. She asked me about my family and I told her that I didn’t have one as mama was no more and I didn’t know where my father was. Jasmine told me that her parents were dead too and now her only family was her brother who was suffering from autism. She couldn’t complete her studies and now she had to do different types of manual work which was given to her.

After a couple of meetings, we became good friends. Whenever I met her, I felt a strange bond. She was an easy going person, always smiling.

She didn’t have parents and with such confidence she always used to talk that I got amazed.I always felt that she didn’t need anyone. She was all in all , taking care of her brother alone.

One day she asked me to go for an event where a motivational speaker was going to deliver a speech. I did not intend to go but she insisted so much that I couldn’t refuse . Next day, it was weekend. I had to go with Jasmine to the show. I dressed up after a long time and went to her house. She was looking stunning. I always saw her in pony tail but today she was looking extremely beautiful in black dress and open hair. We reached the venue. The motivational speaker was a tall white man, wearing his spectacles and describing a load of events where he was humiliated and how he got up.

“ When life gives you hard time, don’t get tired. Tell it that you are harder than its difficulties. You are strong enough to cope up with them. Always remember , there is always a bright day after a dark, starless dusky night. There is always a rainbow after heavy rain and nothing is permanent. Change is inevitable”

“What bullshit” I just stood up and left the show in the middle. Jasmine came after me.

“What happened Jack, why did you leave , the show hasn’t ended yet”, she was surprised.

“You took me to show to listen all this nonsense”

“I don’t find any such kind of thing here” she was looking at me with subtle confusion.

“ Look Jasmine its very easy for you to get inspired from this childish talk , its not easy for me. The easiest thing in this world is to give advice to someone. Only the one who suffers from pain knows how to go through it. You thought I am an idiot who lost his only family so now why don’t console him by showing a child play” I was furious.

“ I didn’t wish to annoy you , I just thought you would like it and listen , You can not live your whole life like that . I know you were disturbed and ………… you lost your mother so hmmmm I just thought you would feel motivated as there are so many people who lost their families.” She tried to convince me calmly.

“ OH hhh what do you know about family. I lost my mother , my only family. I don’t know where my father is. Every day I open my eyes and saw the walking shadow of my father hovering over my imagination, abusing me , beating me and my mother, throwing us away from home and you are trying to convince me with all that stupidity. I don’t have any memory to cherish. So leave me alone” I became irritated.

Jasmine felt heartbroken and she was about to leave but then she turned back “ You said right I don’t know about what family is. You know Jack what first memory I had of my childhood. All I remember was the burning of my mother, she set herself on fire and I just remember the screams , the second memory I had that my dad came with a woman and threw me and Nas out of the house and we were sent to our aunts’ home where we were abused , beaten on regular basis but still they could not afford us.And we were again thrown out. Our life was ‘ a thrown out life’ but we managed to live as it is the only way I know.”

She just ended and went away. The next few days I didn’t meet Jasmine . I went to her place but there was no one. I asked about her neighbors .Its been a week and I felt extremely alone , empty and hollow .I felt embarrassed that I should not have insulted her. The next day, I was sitting in a park just to kill time , suddenly I caught sight of Jasmine. I ran towards her

“ Hi” I said in a low voice,

She replied me and tried to ignore me.

“ I am really sorry. I should not have said that to you, can we talk please?

We sat on a bench while Nas was playing with kids.

“ My mother had bipolar disorder. I never knew what is  the love of parents. My father had always been away from home. Tears were rolling down her eyes. Mom was suffering from depression. I was ten and Nas was only eight months old when I saw mom wrapping from head to toe in fire. I saw her perishing herself but dad never came for her, not for us. This is the life that I never wanted to have, no one wanted to have but I am bound to live.” She was choking and I hugged her . I just didn’t want to leaver her.

After three days ,I went to her home . I saw her packing her luggage .She found a job in the nearby town and she was going away.

“ You didn’t tell me” I asked her impatiently.

“ I didn’t remember hmmmm I was fully packed”

“What about Nas , if you work for long hours who would take care of him”

“There is a school for special children I would try to get him admit in that school”

"When will you guys leave" I asked her hopelessly.

"On Monday" It just seemed that she wanted to say something but could not.

I just wanted to tell her don’t go away but I couldn’t and went back home. The next two days were quite miserable I couldn’t help but thinking about Jasmine all the time. I felt my soul connected to her. But I didn’t have courage .On Monday I got up and started getting ready for office.I reached the bus stop. There was something going on in my mind .The bus station gave me a flash back how I met Jasmine and how it all started. Instead of catching bus, my legs started to move towards her house. I knocked at the door but no one opened it . I was in hurry and couldn’t see that it was locked. I asked the neighbors .She was gone. I was running madly towards the train station . There was no one. I was short of breath. Suddenly a familiar voice hit my ear. “ Jack what are you doing here?” She inquired.

“ Look I tell you”. I grabbed her from shoulder and took her to bench. Nas was looking at me with his innocent eyes. “ Jasmine I will get it straight. All my life I have been alone and I had no one to talk . But the day I saw you and met you I felt a sudden bond , a connection. I know I am not perfect, you can call me coward or whatsoever but all I want to say that I want you to be in my life. I never had a perfect childhood but all I want is to spend my life with someone who could guide me and you are the one. So will you be my family? Will you marry me?”

Jasmine was looking stern and shocked . “ Jack its not easy”

“ We will make everything easy just say yes” I was mad. She just smiled and I hugged her and Nas . It seemed that I had come out of tunnel and this is the sunshine.