In the deep (Nora Sheppard)

It seemed to Kay that her family had always treaded deep water.

Her mother, Marlie, was 23 when she met and married her first husband. Life was wonderful; they had two kids in five years. At the age of 32; however, Marlie was widowed. Her young husband, a salesman, died in a car wreck all alone on a road one day. His death, in many ways, set up what was to come in all the decades that followed.

Kay’s own father appeared shortly thereafter. He had fought in two wars and had almost died in Korea. His charm masked that he was deeply troubled.

"You're the woman for me. I know we can be happy," he insisted.

Kay’s mother didn’t love him, but he showered her and her two children with what they needed most—security and fun. And so she married him. He had carefully hidden his drinking and his temper. Only a few years later, he committed his first--and only--act of domestic violence against Marlie. Again, her life was changed by circumstances beyond her control.

That morning, Marlie loaded the kids, Debbie and Matt, into the car and drove--with a broken arm and a black eye--to her parents' house. As when Marlie was widowed, her parents joined her in treading deep water. That support continued even when Marlie discovered she was pregnant. She couldn't go back to this man. Later, she would learn that he had been violent with other women.

“Well, you’ll have to come back to me now,” he said, but Marlie was determined not to.

"But how can you possibly take care of another child alone?" Marlie's parents asked.

"If I can care for two, I can care for three," she replied.

Marlie was determined to be brave. She girded herself for the life to come and met it head on, day by day.

So, Kay was born into a family that was different. It was the 1960s. All her friends had dads, but she didn't. Kay observed her mother's will of steel as she worked to support her kids. She was a secretary, with little pay and even fewer benefits. Marlie worked at a time when it was relatively rare for mothers to work outside the home. She was determined that her family would survive. She never stopped treading the deep water.

Marlie succeeded with her main goal: To make her children feel secure. Home was warm and safe--a place to play with toys and read books, to play outdoors and grow. They had a nice home and plenty of food. They never realized that they were relatively poor.

Marlie rarely let her kids see her tears of frustration, her worry, her unhappiness. They also seldom saw her being frivolous or just having fun, beyond kid-related fun. She basically stopped having anything to do with men at the age of 34, even though she was a smart, beautiful woman and men approached her. Being both mother and father took all the time and energy she had.

The fact that there was never a father around impacted Marlie's three kids in different ways. Debbie and Kay missed seeing everyday mom-dad interaction in the home. Matt was bereft of a father; it was a hole that would never be filled. Marlie filled this gap as best she could, even gamely throwing baseballs to Matt so he could make the softball team. He ended up having more practice than most of his friends.

The passing of years brought the decline of Marlie's parents. Her father was tasked with caring for his slightly younger wife, who had dementia. He was determined that they stay in their home. The family treaded deep water, with Marlie and others dropping in to provide what help they could. Finally, Marlie's Dad collapsed one day. Leukemia, the doctors said. Marlie's Mom, needing around-the-clock care, was placed in a nursing home. Both parents died that year, three months apart. The family joined Marlie in treading deep water.

Marlie's kids grew up slightly gullible, eager to believe in those they loved--never wanting to think a person would lie. They were easy prey for those who didn't have the best of intentions. Their first marriages failed. Debbie, then Matt, then Kay we’re divorced. Each time, the family came together and treaded deep water. Marlie's children were determined to pull through and come out the other side. They endeavored to have Marlie's will of steel.

In later years, Marlie finally had a bit of the stress-free fun that had always eluded her. She retired, spent time at home and in her yard, connected with old friends, and enjoyed her grandkids. The decades were all too brief. Eventually, Marlie had heart trouble--the first health problems in her eight decades of life. The family came together to tread deep water. The kids increased their visits and drove her to the store and appointments, as she was feeling less secure behind the wheel of a car. In time, there were the signs--at first written off as fatigue or just simple aging--that Marlie had dementia. No one, especially Marlie, wanted to admit it. Despite the best efforts of everyone, the Mom became the child, and the children became the parents.

The family came together to tread deep water. Marlie broke her hip and eventually moved to assisted living and then a memory care facility. Marlie’s children tried to make Marlie feel at home in her room, but it was heartbreaking. Family time in the old home was over. They did their best to gird themselves with the strength their mother had always shown.  

It would be a long good-bye; Marlie lived an additional six years. So much time to tell their mother that they loved her, but so little time for her to understand. At the end, the family gathered together to remember this amazing woman who gave them so much love. They marveled over Marlie's determination and bravery. In losing this glowing presence, Marlie's children found themselves again treading deep water.