Diary of a teenager.

It was the middle day of February, The morning sun was no where to be found. It seemed to have been devoured by the clouds. We were all preparing for our middle term test. Though in my state, book was the last thing in my agenda. Everything looked so gloomy or maybe it was just me. But the skies were moody, looked like they were going to shed a large amount of tears. I woke up a bit late, not surprising cause I barely slept all through the night alongside the fact that I wasn't interested in anything, For the first time in my life I felt the words of one of my favourite singers in her song titled numb. Despite not being in a good mood or having the mental state for learning I hurriedly prepared for school, so as not to be punished for late coming as we were still yet to be made prefects.

Luckily for me, dad left for work early, mum's car was broken. So i had the opportunity of walking to school which was just some couple of streets away, so I get the chance to clear my head a little bit, so I won't be looking like a widower despite my young age.

On getting to school, I realised I had spent a whole lot of time on the road walking as slow as I could as though that would slow down the the rush of thoughts flowing in and out of my mind. Fortunately I escaped with only a couple of minutes away from getting thrashed or doing labor while my mates were in class, not like I was ready for the class though. After the assembly, I marched clumsily to my class. We had math as the first class, On a normal day I wasn't a fan of mathematics not to talk about today when, my demons came for a fist fight with my weakened self. Somehow the classes went by, slowly and painstakingly without taking me along, but it went by and it was break time. A time for a bit of relief or so I thought, Didn't eat much before leaving home despite mum's beckoning. But I still felt no atom of hunger so I decided to go for a walk towards the field or anywhere a bit cozy. As I approached the volleyball court, I was able to place a figure one I'd recognize even if it were a million miles away. It was that of Mabel looking not so beautiful as she used to or maybe I just wouldn't want to say otherwise. I made move to divert cause i wasn't ready to face her, but our eyes met already and she was headed my way, Like a mother who saw the man who kidnapped her son. Trying to understand the motive behind this happening, In no time she was right in front of me giving me no time to answer my question and other newly popped up.

She asked why did you do that to me? You knew how much you meant to me and you still lied to me. I would go to the ends of the earth for you but all you did was use me. Did you ever mean any word you said to me? Did you ever feel anything towards me or you were just using me all along? The questions tore me irreversibly apart. Having a lot to say that I actually did crave to say maybe I'd be able to savoir a bit of peace for my soul, The tiny voices in my head became louder telling me not to blow this up but just say it else i might not be able to get over it. but instead of saying or at least trying to straighten things out, I just stood, staring pathetically at nowhere in particular. This aggravated her anger and off she went looking angrier than I've ever seen her putting together all the times I had seen her pissed, with the words "Everyone told me not to, but I guess I was just a dummy after all". They word dummy hit hard cause we normally joked with it. I stood there like a child lost in the dark woods confused and helpless with nothing but the feeling of a let down to cradle my being. In my head all I could utter was I'd probably live my whole life regretting not answering those questions which I had answered nicely a couple of hundred times in my head. Knowing and even praying they come. I went back to my classroom, took my bag pack and in a hurry fled school for home with an already made up lie, I feel sick. Just to be alone and probably scold me a bit more. I couldn't bear running into Mabel again or anyone seeing me like this.

    As I walked home with little concern about the rule I was breaking I couldn't help but flip through the pages of my memory starring Mabel. At some point I was oblivious of the fact I was walking and was only saved from falling into a gutter by my long legs. Even that couldn't bring me completely to the present, I didn't think that the day could get any worse. it felt like I was loosing something I should have kept all my life even if I never got to place why. When I was almost home one of the tiny voice in my head popped up a question I never expected. It went like this ; why do you always take all the blame for everything even when a honest judge would apportion it to both parties. Normally i always picked the side of the victor to the victim. With that I felt some wave of self guilt fade away, but I'd still regret not answering those questions I consider not so much a stress compared to the after math. Some mistake we make lives with use.