The sea beside me

I had never loved the sea. As far back as I could remember the sea was something I feared. Just the smell of salt in the air and the cry of the gulls brought upon me a terror so revolting it would leave me breathless and shaking.

Relatives often told me that it was a subconscious reaction from a memory long washed away by the tide. Of the stormy night where the life of my parents was taken and I a mere child somehow had survived. Despite this knowledge, I did not know how the sea tied in with the incident. Perhaps it was better that way.

And yet… the sea called out to me. It was a sirens melody trying to wreck the ship that was my current life. I am but a simple freelance artist trying to survive on my own. But the little house that was left to me by my parents only had one road that led away from it and into civilization. A road that traversed along side a strip of sand and the sea. It had occurred to me several times to leave it all behind. To find an apartment in the city. To block it all out. To never have to face the sea again.

But I couldn’t. I could not imagine leaving the house that contained the only memories of a family I did not really get to experience. I could go live with my Aunt Mari… but I did not wish to burden her.

While living beside the sea was a nightmare for someone like myself with an aversion to it, I knew it could be much worse. I could have been without a house. Without work or life. This was simply something I had to face. Every month though, there was a day where it was much worse. Or rather, there were nights where it was much worse. The nights of the full or new moon were night terrors to me. The sea would scream louder as it got pulled and pushed from land. To me its voice like nails on a chalkboard. The scream of a dying siren, seal, something so sickening that it had no true comparison. These nights would leave me dizzy and lightheaded, nauseous, with little to no sleep.

Worse though was the fact that in between the shrill screams, I could hear it say my name. No one else seemed to hear the sea. Not in the same way that I could. And tonight was one of those nights.  As if to add salt to the wound, tonight was also the nigh that my parents lost their life. I had been three then… twenty-two years ago. It was strange though. It seemed the sea had become silent. I heard not even the usually tempting calls. I should have seen it as a blessing. But, so used to the sound, that the silence was even more unnerving. Curiosity burned bright. Guiding me outside like a lighthouse guiding the ships to safety. The question remained though if my curiosity was guiding me to safety or to the rocky cliffs.

To get to the beach, if it could be called that was a long process in itself, the road overlooked it. But had no one down to it. The house on the other hand had a stairway in the back that was carved into the rocks. It had been a long time since they had seen used. Rain and wind had weathered them down; moss had begun to reclaim it. If the sea was not meant to be the end of me, then surly these stairs would. And yet when I reached the bottom, alive and intact, I felt frozen. Like a deer staring at headlights, I could not believe that I was this close to the sea. Suddenly all my fear and aversion vanished. As if it never existed. Instead I was transfixed on the glow of the moon upon the inky waves gently lapping at the shore. Of the foam that rose and fell, dispersing like gentle clouds. All the glittering starts reflecting off the wide, endless body. The sand even seemed at peace, more so the closer to the water it was. Suddenly possessed by some sort of spirit, I felt myself walk towards the waves.

Dazed.

That’s what I was experiencing. Was it really I walking towards the sea. Where had my fear gone too? When I reached the edge of land and sea everything became still. The waves stopped moving, the wind, everything. That’s when it happened. The sea began to gently glow a beautiful blue as it slowly parted. From within its foamy embrace stood a woman, with a face that I recognized all too much.

“Aunt…Mari?”

She smiled at me softly and beckoned me towards her. She was both my Aunt and not. It was as if she had a glow to her now that she had never had on land. I found myself transfixed. Why would she beckon me to the sea? Why had my fear come and gone like that. So many questions swirled in my mind. The storm in my heart settled, if the sea had not hurt my Aunt Mari, it would not hurt me. At least that was what I hoped for. So I walked. I walked without looking back. Without thinking. I just focused on the one thing I knew for sure. That figure in the distance with a sweet smile and a warming awaiting embrace. The further out to sea I walked, the more muted things became. Soon all I could hear was my own heart crashing against my ribs. As I finally neared her, the moon seemed to glow brighter. Her eyes were still the same sky blue, her hair still the dark wavy ink locks that they have always been. She lifted a hand up and held my cheek tenderly. It’s then that I understood.

The sea had always been beside me. But I had never been beside it. It was time I returned home.

“Welcome home, Luna, my dear…”