On the Tip of my Tongue

When I was a kid, all I wanted was to grow up. "Momma, when will I get big?" "Dad, can you build me a time machine so I can be a teenager?" Now I am a sophomore in high school and all I want is to go back. I want to go back to the simpler times, when my only worries were "what should I bring to my playdate with Ryan," or "how am I going to beat Michelle in the toy car race?"

I am an introvert, people call me the quiet kid in school. I don't have many friends and I am a huge overthinker. Teenagers are mean, I would know that better than anyone. People will make fun of you for things you cannot control.

I am constantly bullied. At first getting made fun of was terrible and it ruined my week, now I am numb. Sometimes the things they say are small, like a rude comment on my clothing or hair. Then things got bigger, not only did people use words, but physical interactions too. I always want to stick up for myself, I really do, but in the moment I freeze and before I know it, the chance I had has passed.

After a long day, I come home, do my homework, take a shower, eat, read, anything else to keep me occupied. I used to do extra curricular activities, gave up on that. Maybe I'm just an easy target, since I don't do anything about it. I am actually pretty good with comebacks, it just usually takes me until days after to think of things. "Oh I should've said that!" Is a commonly used phrase, not out loud of course.

My mouth gets dry a lot, hence the fact that I tend to not speak. I also have an epic chapstick collection. It is only around my best friend, Leah that I am able to feel comfortable enough to say what is on my mind without being judged. Even then, she has grown further and further apart from me over the years.

I spend a lot of time by myself. My parents are always at meetings and on work trips, leaving me home by myself 90% of the time. I bought myself a turtle and named her Smiles. Smiles keeps me company, she knows all of my secrets. She hears all of my clever comebacks and wordplay.

School gets out in a couple of days. Everyone is talking about their summer plans while I am sitting in the back of our classroom. It is almost as if I am invisible. I realized that I have not a single plan for the three months we have off for break. It was then that I thought of the perfect idea. Maybe I can do something with my time. Fix myself up. It is gonna be hard, but with the help of Leah and Smiles, maybe I can actually change!

Okay, now it is the first evening of summer break! I need a plan. I have tried counseling and therapy, no use. I always thought that I was scarred from the pain that lurks inside.. maybe not?

I want to show the people who have hurt me what they have done. I have made a list of names with those who have ruined some part of my day, no matter how small or large. The people who have done the worst, like bullying me constantly, hurting me deep inside, maybe even who hurt me physically, anything like that, are at the top. At the bottom are the ones who only said a harsh comment or something little like that. This list traces back to people from 8th grade, when I shed the first tear from bullying, of many left to come.

I will confront them. I will also make it known to others that they have done something wrong. No matter how great this summer goes, I just know that I will never forget the way some people made me feel. Now that my list is done, I feel that I have accomplished something. "Okay, Smiles. I think I am actually getting somewhere with this." I know that she wont reply, but I know that Smiles is listening. "Next step, figure out what the next step will be." I made myself some tea and put on my brainstorming slippers.

"I've got it! I can put together a speech. I will talk about my experience with bullying. I will show people that your actions can affect people." Smiles loves the idea.. I think. I decided to call Leah so I can tell her about my plan and maybe we can practice my speech. She said that she is so excited to hang out with me again and that she will be here as soon as possible. I refilled my snack drawer, just for her.

About five minutes later I heard my front door open. Leah knows that she doesn't have to knock. Then I heard her somewhat obnoxious, "Hiiii!"

"Hey Leah!" "So.. what's up?" I continued to tell her about my plan.

"Oh. my. goodness! That is genius. I am so glad that you are finally going to be sticking up for yourself! To be honest, you were kind of being a baby before haha."

I wanted to tell Leah that what she just said hurt my feelings, but that would just be proving her point. I gave Smiles a quick look, then brushed it off.

"Yeah. Okay, so I really want to confront the people who have bullied me before we do anything else."

Leah opens my snack drawer. "Oh I know! Most of the popular boys were pretty mean to you, and they always hang out at the football field next to the bleachers. Maybe you can start there."

"Oohhh good idea. I need to prepare something first." I grabbed a pencil and paper and we got to work.

Leah finally convinced me to tell off the popular boys. We made a list that ended up being 13 pages long which showed what I was going to say to each person or group of people. I have been practicing talking without chickening out with Smiles the best I can.

"Listen here, I am done letting you push me around!" Maybe a little too aggressive. "Hey, could you please quit making fun of me?" Too polite. I can feel Smiles' judgement through her tank. Or maybe that's just me.

Leah can drive now, so she dropped me off at the football field on her way to hang out with her new popular friends.

"Goodluck girlie! You can do it, remember what we practiced." I hopped out if the backseat with butterflies in my stomach. "Thanks for your help, Leah."

"Anytime." She drove away and that is when reality sunk in. I was all of the sudden not so confident, but forced myself to walk behind the bleachers. I started with a simple and soft, "hi." The guy gang turned around with straight looks on their faces. Six boys, all football players. What was I thinking.. The team captain, Bryce said, "Whats up nerd?" They all laughed at his rhetoric. I rolled my eyes and was ready to speak up, "wow. how original, Johnny." Oh my goodness. I just said the wrong name. I cannot believe I just did that. They all were laughing at me. Before the boys could start beating up on me even more, I ran. I failed to stick up for myself again.

I came home and told Smiles about my huge mistake. I guess it wasn't that bad, but now they're going to tell everyone. I think. Maybe I will always be this way. I will keep practicing. I cannot keep giving up so easily. That is what led to all of my issues before.

The summer went on and I kept trying to write my speech. I need a good ending. I coordinated a date to present my speech. Mrs. Spieth, my art teacher, is the head of the PTO. She said that at 3:00 at our open house, I will be able to present. That is less than a month away now. The big day that I will speak my mind is September 3rd.

The summer has been pretty good so far. My parents were actually home for the 4th of July. We had a barbecue. It was really nice. Then they left for a cruise and won't be back until the second of September. My mom and dad don't know what I have going on. I never make the effort to tell them.

I ran into a bunch of people over the past couple months who have bullied me in the past. I remembered what I practiced with Smiles, but I always chickened out. At the Library with Heath, he knocked my books out of my hands and I did nothing about it. The ice cream parlor with Madison and her group, they took my strawberry blast, I did nothing. There were several other times. That is why I am so excited about this speech.

I finally got some alone time with Leah, three days before my speech. That is when I got another bright idea. It would be the perfect ending to my speech. Leah smiled at me with bright eyes after listening to the end result that I practiced with all of her old stuffed animals. That is when I knew this was `right.

It is September third, 2:53pm. I am getting ready to go onto the stage. Smiles is in my purse. I finally got called out and Mrs. Spieth introduced me to everyone. This is what I have needed since the 2nd semester of 8th grade. A fresh start. I looked into the so-called "audience." That is when I saw my parents. They came! I excitedly set my papers down onto the podium. Mrs Spieth whispered, "you may begin."

I started talking about my history with bullying. "It started in eighth grade." It feels like I have said that a billion times. I decided to let out everything that was bottled up inside with a bit of improv. I told several stories. "Maybe it isn't me. Maybe it is all of you who are doing this. This story might not mean anything to anyone at this open house, but I know that I am not the only one who doesn't want to go into another school year feeling awful every. Single. Day." I realize how cheesy this whole thing probably sounds, but I don't care. People need to know. "I have made a list of those who have hurt me." I saw scattered glances around in the small crowd. I saw some of my bullies. "I will not be sharing that information, but you know who you are. I hope we can learn as a community, to treat each other like humans. Enough of the bullying." I felt a tear run down my cheek and immediately got embarrassed. "Thank you."

I turned and walked off of the stage with my head held high. I wiped the tear off of my cheek. That is when there is an applause. People actually liked my speech. My parents cheered, and I was smiling ear to ear "backstage."

The school year began, and multiple anti-bullying programs started. I made a difference, no matter how small. I was even featured in the newspaper! Leah's friends invited me into their group, and mom and dad started working from home so they can spend more time with me. I play soccer now and joined the debate team. Junior year has been amazing so far. The pain I felt the last few years will always be there, but a lot less of it. I smiled at Smiles, and for the first time, she smiled back.

This story inspired by the "he said she said" prompt at readsy.com