I Have Learned

I harbored resentment for too long. Regretfully, that resentment was based solely on the observations and the influence of other people. How is that possible?  It is possible because I never saw for myself any reported drunken stupors, slurred words, stumbling gait, or unkind expressions; never saw a single one.  What I do recall seeing is simply a gentle giant who was ever-present at any event in which I was center stage.  My first Communion, moving up day from middle school, dance recitals, and student of the month ceremonies – I always saw him there. Always in the front row to ensure he had the best view of what was going on.  

Smiling…that’s how I will remember Uncle Mike.  I can do that now because I have finally been able to move past how I thought of him since May when he succumbed to an unnatural death.  Yes, it has taken me several months to finally rid myself of the negative views that were somehow cast upon me by others. The task was arduous and the personal growth that resulted ceased to amaze me.   

My uncle lived a life that was restricted by disease and addiction.  As a child, I was unable to understand the disease and its manipulative ramifications.  The relationship we shared was a pure one, a loving one.  I was unaware of the mental health and addiction struggles he faced on a daily basis. Children operate in a matter where little understanding is needed to love. Love from a child is unconditional. As I grew older, and despite my mother’s attempts to keep his health issues concealed, I slowly began to understand.  I overheard conversations;  I began to take note of certain situations. I began to see and understand for myself. When he walked into a room the room was darker. I didn't realize that this understanding I had developed cast a shadow on the love I once had. I will always love him but my disappointment overcame me.  However, I tried not to allow those revelations to tarnish my bright image of him. He was my uncle, my friend, my family, not an addict or a drunk. The ability to come to the realization was strenuous. I didn’t know how or what to feel towards him.  

With time, I came to acknowledge some feelings of anger and hurt towards my uncle’s behaviors vicariously through my parents.  By doing so, I was remaining loyal to my parents; I was disappointed in my uncle because they were.  I allowed that bright image of him to fade, and now there is no going back to forgive him.  He is gone.  The wonderful relationship we once enjoyed became strained, and I allowed it to happen.  Having no way to undo the past breaks my heart.  I wish I could have one more chance to tell him I love him, to hug him, and to thank him.  The temporary feelings of resentment that I experienced due to his reported behaviors kept me from enjoying our friendship to the fullest.  He brought me so much joy.  Without realizing it until he was gone, I never took the opportunity to share my appreciation for putting on that smiling face when in actuality he was truly struggling inside.  

I already have had to face the harsh reality of death on far too many occasions, and it does not get any easier with each new passing.  It is hurtful each and every time.  I have mourned, remembered, and cried more than I care to acknowledge.  However, with time I have learned a skill from these heart-wrenching times.  Because I have learned the gift of acceptance, I am not an emotional wreck as a result of all these experiences.  Pain and suffering need not become a lifestyle.  I am able to let go of resentments.  And most importantly I have learned to always tell people I love them whenever possible because that occasion may be the last opportunity to do so.  

Prior to his death, I struggled immensely with being able to let things go. I always held grudges or judged people off of preconceived opinions. It was a bad habit I knew I possessed. The struggle came from being able to move on. Everyone has a downfall, a flaw, an insecurity its apart of being human. No single person on the face of the earth has their life together. No one can confidently say I am perfect when they wake up in the morning or rest their head to sleep at night. In my mind, holding a grudge against someone is an easier task than letting go and allowing yourself to forgive and forget. 

 It may be that we feel wronged by someone and think that by harboring feelings of resentment, we make him/her feel pain equal to ours. Holding a grudge may also serve a protective function, as a reminder of someone with whom we’d best maintain boundaries. It’s also possible that if we truly thought it over, we might not come up with a good reason for holding a grudge; it’s simply a remnant from a previously unresolved emotional issue.

To resolve an emotional issue I have learned to express my feelings. By allowing myself to have a conversation with the person I am upset with a consensus can be made. I have learned from my uncles passing in this way. 

I memorialize him here because from his passing I learned forgiveness. Life is too short to be angry with people, especially for reasons that are not your own. I mirrored feelings from my mother when the only real feeling I had was one of appreciation. Uncle Mike taught me it is important to always be there for the ones you love. Put others before yourself although it may be difficult. By devoting myself to being selfless, in my own way I am receiving forgiveness from my uncle although he is no longer here to express forgiveness himself. Not only am I a better person for experiencing forgiveness, I feel closer to him again.