He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

    I awake, accompanied by the bright world—the great blue sky. I want to close my eyes shut and continue my sleep some more, but what will I even dream about? Maybe to grow closer to him. If that's even possible. With laziness, I drop my body onto the hard cold brown wood floor, silently absorbing the pain. My stomach felt as if someone punched me very hard—it was the floor. Today will be a good day. I tell myself Today will be better than yesterday and the days before it. I must have confidence, Today would be the day I confidently reassure myself so that I will not doubt. Maybe I would crack him open—somehow. He is like a stubborn egg that refuses to crack itself open. 

Since he wasn't next to me in my bed, I assumed that he was downstairs and if not—maybe he had already gone to work. 

   When I arrived downstairs, he wasn't dressed up—he was simply wearing comfortable clothes. Home clothes I called them. Maybe he won't go to work today. 

    I saw him preparing something—he was preparing breakfast. Probably for himself. He never makes me anything—except when he's happy. Since he had prepared nothing for me, I assumed he must've not been happy. I thought to myself Perhaps I should go and lift his spirits even though that was nearly impossible. I decided to do it anyway because I cared, even though it might be vain.

   I go over to him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders, "My dear love," I tell him. Before I could say anything else, he rudely pushed my arm off of his shoulders. I almost wanted to cry—I am quite sensitive. I decided to suck it up and try again, but this time, I would not wrap my arm around his shoulders. "My love~are you well today." I patiently wait for him to answer me, but instead, he continues what he is doing—making breakfast—for himself. I slightly bit my lip. Despite being with him for a few months, I still didn't truly understand him. Why was he like this? I had no idea how to win his affection—he just handed it over to me when he felt like it. I assumed that maybe he was annoyed by the how are you question since when many people ask—they don't really care—they simply only want to fill the silence. They want you to tell them, I am fine they don't want a real answer. But I am not like them. Even though it may not have seemed like it, I genuinely wanted to know how he was. I cared for his feelings. Just like in my dreams, I've always dreamt for the moment we would simply just grow closer! I decided to go and sit down on the table to wait for him. Maybe while he finished, he would come sit next to me with his food so that we could talk. When he finished, he carried the plate of food in his hands, but instead of sitting beside me like I wanted him to, he simply walked away from me—to the living room.

    I deeply sighed. It's not like I wasn't used to this by now. It was wishful thinking to think he'd ever open up to me. But even so, I simply just would not give up. I didn't strive for one-hundred and fifty two days to simply quit. I am not a quitter! I didn't care how long it'd take to budge him open. I willn't quit even if it were to take three thousand days—or years. They say that three is the charm, so I sat down directly next to him—maybe a little too close on the couch. It wasn't until a few seconds before he scooted away and moved his food with him. Though I was disheartened by this, at least he didn't scoot away immediately. Maybe he did consider my feelings—even if it was just a little bit.

    I wanted to attempt to speak to him again, but I did not know what to say to grab his attention. Perhaps a compliment would please him? I heard that if you compliment a man, he remembers it for dear life. I sighed lightly, "You look very handsome today!" He looked at me. I took this as a moment to kiss him. I intended to kiss him on the cheek, but he just jerked away! Ugh! This man's made of stone! Not flesh! It was as if he was harder than the brick house that we lived in. After that incident, it wasn't long before he finished his breakfast and abandoned me. I was there, on the couch—all by myself. I was sad and lonely. Sad because nothing I did today worked and lonely because I was abandoned by the love of my life—or so it felt like that.

    I wanted to follow him upstairs and try again, but what use will that be? He would probably just ignore me—again! However, this doesn't mean that I am giving up—it just meant that I would try again—later! I went upstairs. I could see him on the couch—slouching. Instead of sitting next to him like I did downstairs, I decided to walk past him and go into our shared room. I pull out my laptop and begin to search on Google. I did some digging and I think I finally found the solution to all my problems! I decided that I wasn't going to try and earn his affection. He would have to come to me instead of the other way around—reverse physiology—they'd call it. 

    When the night arrived, I plop myself onto my bed. This time, I did not care nor worry if he'd accompany me. I simply just relaxed myself and went to sleep—dreaming not about him, but about other things. Unlike yesterday, I wasn't awakened by a bright blue sky, but by a grey cloudy one. He was right next to me, half awake. Normally, I would shower him with kisses, but this time, I decided to ignore him and get up and go do other things. Things that did not involve him. I performed my daily tasks—such as brushing my teeth and taking a bath. Afterwards, I went downstairs into my kitchen to make breakfast for myself. After that, I planned to go on a walk—by myself to distract myself. 

    I practically shove breakfast down my throat because I wanted to eat as fast as I could—so I wouldn't have to see him—at all. I knew that I had to make him miss me. If I didn't, my reverse phycology wouldn't work! I quietly shut the door and walked off. I wasn't sure how long I was gone since I wasn't keeping track of time. I just knew that I wanted to be gone long enough to hopefully eat away the day.

    I pass by many people as I walk. In fact, I passed by a lot of things. Even stores. Because I have been walking for so long—my legs grew weary. I decided that it was best for me to take a break. I saw a bench a few feet from me. It was dark red and a little rusty on some parts of it. I didn't care—my legs needed to rest. I sat down anyway to ease the pain. 

    As minutes flew by, the place became a little more full with more people walking to and from all directions. I became quite bored, so I decided to myself that it was time to go back—to my house. I lifted myself from the comfy but hard bench that I sat on and went back to my house. When I opened the door, I could see him just sitting there. I did not greet him, in-fact, I didn't even want him to know that I glanced at him, so I awkwardly turned my body and went upstairs. He followed me. Even so, I still continued to walk without acknowledging him. 

    I went inside of my—I mean our room and shut the door. He could open it himself anyway. I laid on the side of my body with my palm facing my ear. I used my other arm to pull the covers over my body. I could hear footsteps approaching the door, then it opened. It's him. Even though it might have been torture for myself, I knew I couldn't look at him. I had to ignore him. It's not like communication worked anyway. 

    He sits down beside my bed without saying anything to me. I, too, do not utter a word to him. After a few minutes of such awkwardness, I could feel someone place their hand on my shoulder. It was him. I wanted to jerk his hand off—in order to give him the cold shoulder, but I decided to allow him to place his hand on my shoulder so that I could see what were to happen next. I felt him lift his hand off of my shoulder, then suddenly, he began stroking my hair. 

    Still, I did not want to give him any reaction. I wanted him to continue giving me attention—I couldn't just halt him from this because if I did, it would be like having to wait for another leap year. 

    He then reaches over me and kisses me on my cheek. His kiss felt so—moist. I so desperately wanted to turn to him and look at him so that we could kiss on the lips, but I did not want to possibly end up losing the attention that I finally received. But at the same time, what if he grew annoyed and impatient which caused him to stop giving me attention? I turn to look at him—we lock eyes.

    I haven't stared at such eyes in a while. I even forgot how beautiful they were. Even though I said I wasn't going to, I decided to do it—this was my only chance. I decided to kiss him on his lip. Luckily, this time, he didn't push me away like last time, he evenly gently grabbed my hair as he pushed his lips onto mine. We began kissing for what felt like a marathon, but even so, I am glad it felt that way. 

    This might have been the only kiss I would receive for the whole month before he started to ignore me again. Once we finish kissing, he licks his lips while looking at me. I felt as if I got so lost in his mysterious eyes. I wanted him to kiss me again, but instead he walked away.

     I decided to follow him this time. If today was going to be the only day out of the whole month that he gave me affection, then so be it. I decided to take advantage of today—so inquired him about going out—to a restaurant for dinner. To my surprise, he actually agreed with me! 

    I hid away somewhere so that I could jump up with glee! Once I was finished with my party I went to go and prepare myself for our dinner! 

    I made myself look pretty and put on my best dress. It was very beautiful. I wore the dress that he complimented a few months ago—which was the day we met. 

    Once we were both ready, off we went—together—on our dinner. At our dinner, we were both laughing and exchanging smiles and laughs. We even fed each other! How romantic! I did not want this night to end—I wanted it to last for all of eternity. But they say time flies by when you're having fun. Sadly, they were right. It does go by very fast! Before I knew it, we were getting ready to leave.

    He paid the bill. We left the restaurant locking arms. We arrived home, and took off our clothes—to put on our night clothes—and went to sleep. His arm was resting on me. I went to sleep with a smile resting on my face. 

    The next morning I awoke his arm was no longer resting on me. I looked beside our bed, he wasn't there. I went to look for him—he must be downstairs I thought to myself. With my heart slightly racing, I rushed downstairs and saw him there—at the table. I ran towards him to give him a hug and kiss him, but he did not respond to my affection. He didn't even greet me. He ignores me as if I am not there and continues to do what he is doing. 

    I sighed, went upstairs—back to my room sadly—practically dragging myself. I scream into my pillow so loudly that it sounds as if I was being murdered—in fact, I was. At least in my eyes.