American Coming of Age

Larry Jones looked at the clock in his office. One more hour and he could begin his three-week summer vacation. He was the 11th and 12th grade counselor at the Academy School, located an hour west of Boston. The school had 300 students with 75 per grade level. There was another counselor who worked with the 9th and 10th graders and together they shared one secretary. It was a heavy work load, particularly for him as he was responsible for the college admissions process for the senior class.


He had reason to be happy this July. The class that graduated a few weeks earlier was particularly strong. Several of the students in the top ten would be attending an Ivy League college, including one to Harvard, and two each to Brown and Yale. The Class Valedictorian was headed for the University of Chicago. Larry’s work for the year was almost done.


By evening he and his wife would be at their cottage on Cape Cod. Tomorrow morning he’d go fishing and then they would settle into their summer routine. On sunny days they’d walk the sandy beaches near Chatham and Monomoy or if the weather was rainy, they’d drive up to Provincetown for lunch. In the evenings, he’d watch the Red Sox on TV and work on his summer reading list.


Larry thought about leaving a few minutes early. Markham, the janitor was the only other person in the building and he would lock up at 5:30 and would set the alarm. Markham was a wily, old fox. He knew more about the school, and occasionally human nature, than anyone. Occasionally, Larry would bring a bag of donuts to work in the morning and he and Markham would drink coffee in the janitor’s cluttered work shed, behind the building.


However, Larry had a couple of more papers to review. Each September the Academy School enrolled 15 new students in grade 11. These students replaced the ones whose parents took them out at the end of grade 10. Some parents wanted to save two years’ worth of private school tuition so they sent their kids back to public school. Conversely, there were parents who wanted their teenagers enrolled in a private school for the last two years so that their college resumes looked better. 


Larry Jones noted that 13 of the 15 slots had been filled for September. He knew from experience that the school would pick up two more new students in August. It was Larry’s job to interview and select this cohort. And, truth be told, the Headmistress was less concerned about the quality of the new students than she was about having a balanced budget. He didn’t want to face her in a month’s time with vacancies in grade 11.


Just as he was about to go to find Markham to say goodbye, a woman and teenage boy appeared at his door.


“Do you have a moment?” the mother asked. “I know it’s late in the week but I have a few questions. My son is just finishing grade 10 at Wrexham High School and my husband and I would like Hugh to have two good years before college. That is, if he gets accepted into college.”


Larry Jones was a professional so he’d give the mother and son a few minutes. However, he had neither the time nor the authority to talk about financial aid, if that’s what they needed. The business office was closed and wouldn’t reopen until August 1st.


“Tell me about yourself,” said Larry. The mother answered for the boy.


“He’s an above average student. His brother graduated as an officer from the Naval Academy a few years ago and we know that Hugh isn’t capable of such heights but we feel he has some potential. My husband is very successful. He’s the president of the Boston Bankers’ Association and his name always comes up when there is an election for Governor. He was the captain of the Dartmouth hockey team. He wants the boys to be like him. He believes in the saying, ‘the apple doesn't fall far from the tree’.”


“And how about it, Hugh?” asked Larry. “Can you handle the workload in a school like this.? But before we get to the academic questions, tell me about yourself. Sports? Extra-curricular interests?”


The boy was staring ahead at a poster of Ted Williams, the great Boston Red Sox outfielder, that was on the wall just behind Larry Jones’ desk. The mother was looking at the carpet by her feet. Larry could read body language. In fact, many high school counselors excelled at reading body language. Vexed parents, frustrated teachers, anxious teenagers: they all “telegraphed” a message through posture and other non-verbal gestures.


“Well, you see, Mr. Jones, Hugh suffers from a fairly severe stutter and he’s reluctant to talk for fear of embarrassing himself,” said the mother. “An interview is very intimidating.”


“I understand,” replied Larry. “By the way, many of our students have some type of learning challenge. Stuttering is just one of many issues we see. How about this, Hugh? I’ll tell you a little bit about our school and you relax and catch your breath. By the way, here’s the school brochure with all the information you need. Read it when you have the time.”


Larry then spent the next few minutes outlining the life of an 11th grader at the Academy School. He talked about sports and stressed the many clubs that students could join.


Hugh looked up and said, “I l-l-l-l-like cross-country. I love to r-r-r-run. I was #3 on our t-t-t-team last fall. I like the solitude of running and I don’t have to t-t-t-talk to anyone for a whole afternoon.”


“That makes sense,” replied Larry. “Tom Jackson is our cross-country coach and training begins in late August.”


Larry went on, “I have an idea. Cross-country ends in early November with the state tournament. A week later clubs begin. Miss Royston is the speech and debate coach. This is a winter club and runs through until April. I saw Miss Royston in the store the other day and she reminded me that she’s looking for talented students to join the speech and debate team.”


Hugh’s mother was turning red and she looked at Larry as though he had two heads. “Well, I’ve heard just about everything now. Hugh can’t do speech and debate! He can hardly finish a sentence as you will have noticed.” Hugh dropped his head again.


Larry knew better than to take on Hugh’s mother this late in the day. His wife was waiting at home and they had a two-hour drive to Cape Cod – maybe longer on a Friday evening.


“How a sentence is delivered is less important than what is being said,” remarked Larry. “Nevertheless, Miss Royston, the teacher, is very adept and skilled in helping all of her students. A few years ago, she had a partially blind girl on the team. She had Camilla do an oral interpretation piece using braille.” 


“Then there was our Japanese exchange student. She struggled with English as you can imagine. But Miss Royston paired her with another girl and they did a duet presentation: the exchange student presented an essay in Japanese and our student read the English translation. It was very effective. The pair won first place in the competition for creativity. We were so proud of Hanako and Jenny.”


Hugh was now sitting up straight in his chair. “I’d like to meet your t-t-t-teacher. Maybe she can help me?”


“Here’s what we’ll do,” said Larry Jones looking directly at Hugh. “In the brochure is an application, a financial statement, a health questionnaire and the club selection form. If you can be here on the afternoon of August 1st, I’ll make sure that Miss Royston stops by to meet you. She’ll answer any questions you might have. And, by the way, come in on your own.”


Hugh’s mother ignored the last comment and said, “well, I feel slightly better than I did 20 minutes ago, Mr. Jones. Thanks for your time. Our family has much to talk about this weekend, if my husband can get away from his golf.”


Turning the light off in his office, Larry Jones went in search of Markham. The janitor was walking the main hall with a set of keys in his hand. “Time to leave, Mr. Counselor. You must be ready for some fishing on the Cape? I see that another new family just stopped by. Does the boy have any talent in sports?”.


“Well,” replied Larry. “He’s is fairly good at cross-country. Coach Jackson will be pleased. But the mother is insufferable and the boy has a severe stutter.”


Markham sighed and patted Larry Jones on the back and said, “Well, every problem has a solution. I’d send him to Miss Royston, if I were you. She’ll have him on the stage in a few months reciting the ‘The Gettysburg Address’. Take care of yourself and have a good summer.”

Posted May 18, 2023
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9 likes 6 comments

Galen Gower
22:09 May 24, 2023

Your story was included in my critique circle email this week, hence the following critique. My standard disclaimer is that I'm just another person and offering my opinions as a reader and you may or may not agree with anything I say. It's all subjective, so disregard anything you don't like.

I don't offer suggestions to hurt anyone's feelings or anything, but I apologize in advance if you take any exception. I only offer the kind of feedback I wish to receive when someone reads something I have written. I want honest and constructive criticism, so that is what I offer.

There are things I enjoyed about your story. You gave me a complete look into the guidance counselor's hobbies and leisure time. It made him feel like a real person with plans and a life. The rest of the people in the story were a little flat.

Overall, I didn't come away feeling like there were stakes for anyone. I got the story you told, but as a reader, I want there to be something to be won or lost. I want the resolution to be clear, or completely not, but either way, I want some satisfaction that someone risked something and came away changed. You hinted at it for Hugh, but I never rooted for him. His mother was a source of tension, but I didn't feel like it was explored. I've got a family member who stutters and the times when he does and doesn't are interesting little bits that could bring a character to life. For instance, my family member can't get through a sentence answering the phone sometimes, but can sing along to a song he knows without a hitch.

The guidance counselor is the only one with anything at stake, but he abandons even the appearance of inconvenience immediately, despite being ready to walkout for a three-week vacation when the pushy mother appears with her kid in tow. Conflicts like this are common, but the character's reaction is a bit of a letdown. I was expecting some pushback, maybe followed by him settling into his role, recognizing their need, and letting his professional streak outshine his annoyance.

A tip I've read recently is eliminate detail, which at first seemed counter-intuitive to me, but I have found is wonderfully effective. Let's look at the first paragraph of your story:

"Larry Jones looked at the clock in his office. One more hour and he could begin his three-week summer vacation. He was the 11th and 12th grade counselor at the Academy School, located an hour west of Boston. The school had 300 students with 75 per grade level. There was another counselor who worked with the 9th and 10th graders and together they shared one secretary. It was a heavy work load, particularly for him as he was responsible for the college admissions process for the senior class."

Could it be just as effective as such below?

One hour until Larry locked the door for three weeks. Three weeks! No entitled parents, no distracted kids, and no more of Jeanine mixing up his notes with Paul's, the lower class counselor. They got a lot of mileage out of the high-class, low-class jokes, but two counselors wasn't enough, especially considering Jeanine would be on maternity leave at the start of the next school year.
"Academy expects excellence, Larry. We'll pull together and figure it out," the Headmaster had said when asked about a temporary replacement. This was a familiar refrain; it meant they were on their own.

I'm not trying to re-write your story, but it connects with readers differently if you show us how your character feels instead of a list of facts. More birds, fewer stones, essentially.

After reading the story, I made note of a few sentences below.

"He knew more about the school, and occasionally human nature, than anyone."

This is a missed opportunity to give us a memorable character. By the end, we only find out Larry drinks coffee with him sometimes and he gives a piece of advice on something Larry already planned to do. Give us a scene, show us his wisdom!

Suggestion: Markham sighed as he sat and selected a donut. He had a very particular criteria that he never shared, but it involved examining each donut in turn before selecting the winner. After the first bite, he'd offer some newfound wisdom. "Marijuana is legal in more states now than not, Larry. We're witnessing a seismic shift in attitudes, sir. Who knows where we'll end up?"

Larry could read body language. In fact, many high school counselors excelled at reading body language.

This is a similar missed opportunity. I want you to show me he's excellent at body language!

Suggestion: Larry studied them for a moment as he pretended to look for a brochure. The young man had started to talk when his mother cut him off. Pursed lips, sharp intake of breath. Angry? No, he deflated too quickly. Frustration. The mother had a brand name handbag and immaculate French tips. She'd ignored Larry's indication this was not a convenient time, and took a seat before it was offered. Larry was no stranger to entitled parents, but he knew he'd need to get Hugh speaking for himself, or this meeting would be completely fruitless.

Again, you don't have to take my advice or notes. Not everyone finds it helpful. You clearly have some writing chops and I'll keep an eye out for more of your stuff.

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John Heard
23:22 May 24, 2023

Many thanks, Galen, for your detailed feedback. I've read every comment twice. I’m a “newbie” at uploading stories online so it’s a bit of risk-taking activity for me. Nevertheless, I appreciated one of your comments, in particular: “Overall, I didn't come away feeling like there were stakes for anyone. I got the story you told, but as a reader, I want there to be something to be won or lost. I want the resolution to be clear, or completely not, but either way, I want some satisfaction that someone risked something and came away changed.” Obviously, I need to try and go deeper with my writing. This is so helpful. Thanks, again!

Reply

Galen Gower
02:51 May 25, 2023

I really do hope you find anything I said helpful. I'm no expert, but I offer the kind of feedback I wish I could give myself. I feel like you've got good direction with your writing and I will definitely check in to read more of your stuff. Regarding risks: this website exists to sell services to authors looking to self-publish; the contest gets us all in the door. Take all the risks you can! Be wild and if it doesn't work, there's always next week. Go nuts! Hope to see more soon.

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Graham Kinross
22:37 May 23, 2023

Great story. Well done, John.

Reply

John Heard
23:23 May 24, 2023

Thanks, Graham. Positive feedback is very welcomed!

Reply

Graham Kinross
23:34 May 24, 2023

You’re welcome.

Reply

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