A Day in the Park

This unexpected day has come. Time froze. I was just thinking about where shall I have my dinner as I stroll on this craquelure of a concrete park’s floor, peppered with the orange crisp leaves of the afternoon autumn when a woman … a woman who felt so familiar grabbed me by the shoulders. Her eyes gash like spring while her lips tremble like ripples. She felt so familiar that the moment I had my eyes set on hers, It felt like I was lost and I was home at the same time.

Her lips tried to open every now and then but it appears to me something had been hindering her to speak. Without telling it, my guts created a visceral feeling of burden.

“Who… who are… you?” I speak with a stutter.

“By any cha-chance… Are you. Uhm … Are you Jeffrey Wilkinson? Jeffrey Wilkinson?”

“Yes, Ma’am. Can I help you? Why are you crying?”

The once still time started to move again. Gradually, lines formed as her lips stretched up to her ears. Her face creased, forming a crow’s feet beside her eyes. Those eyes. Those eyes that are as brown as mine widened that I saw my reflection on it vividly. Without a reply, she hugged me and had her head rested on my chest. Along with the leaves, her tears fall upon my clothes as I feel my shirt become wet. She then regained her composure, held me by the shoulders anew, and wiped her tears. “I am your mother. I have long been looking for you. You don’t know how much I miss you. I am just so happy right now that —”

“Wait.” I removed her arms from mine, “What did you just say?”

“I am your mother. I am Maria Wilkinson!”

“No… no. I am Jeffrey, yes. You might have mistaken, I don’t have a mother anymore. She passed away when I was still seven.”

“No, honey. Please listen to me.”

Confounded and overwhelmed I started turning my back at her and walked away. I wanted to run but the steps were so heavy I can barely move. Mother? Such absurdity! Who does she think she is to come up to me and tell me such a joke!

I’ve been living happily for years! How can she …. How can she… No! Why am I panting so hard! With every deep breath I feel so uneasy with these irregular beats of a heart? What disease did she bring that my eyes become watery and my hands tremble the same way she touched me earlier.

“Jeffrey!” shouted the woman’s breaking voice.

I then feel dizzy. Thoughts are getting mixed inside my head that the only thing I can think of is run away from this situation. I braced my feet and flee from this prank I know I was getting filmed with.

Mother? What mother? How can she claim she’s my mother? Where was she when I was seven? Where was she when I got heartbroken with my first girlfriend? When the understanding and inputs of woman I desperately needed? Where was she when I was ill? When I needed just her smile to make my day? Where was she when I finally graduated high school? Or the university? Where was she all my life?

It was my twenty-first birthday when I fully accepted the reality of you not coming back. I went back to the orphanage one last time just in case you’ll remember you left something there. But all was there were the hugs of the nuns that raised me and the friends whom I'm fond of. Don’t get me wrong, they were lovely, warm, invigorating but it lacks something I cannot fathom. I waited there the whole day! The orphanage closed ar their daily curfew hours but I still stayed, sitting on the cold hard steps of the entrance.

Why did you leave me in the orphanage in the first place? Then act like I’m some kind of a toy that you lent and now wants to get back? How could you be so cruel? How can a moment like this exhume a void I deeply buried a long long time ago.

Memories were blurry but I am sure I asked you back then where were you going. Your eyes were all lovely and your voice was so sweet. “I’ll just find a store to buy you a toy, wait for me here,” you said then smiled at the nun you left me with. I waited for you. Every day, every week, every year until my fragile heart becomes so desensitized from the sheer pain you gave me.

Why does your face still look the same? Why is your voice as sweet as ever. It pierces my heart! How can you do this to me!

Why was it a good idea to just show up now and sprout like some wild orchid in need of a tree to attach to? I’ve had a lot of things I wanna ask you about but there’s only one sentence I want to hear from you. But with all of what you did, It felt like I was never been ready to hear that from you.

People were walking with me but their eyes were stealing glances. A child even came up to me and offered his handkerchief. Was my face painted with a palette so transparent I cannot see? The look in their eyes was very meek and sad.

Now at the turning point, I can’t help myself but peep behind this lush tree by the fence of the park. What are you doing now? Where are you? My curiosity about your whereabouts cannot be satisfied. Why am I like this? I know I hate you but there is like some sort of magnetic bond that wants my feet to move towards yours.

But … but she left me so easily back then. Why should I return to have myself fall in the same situation again? How can you leave me so easily? A deed I know I am incapable of doing.