Finding myself

“I promise to be happy…”

         “Louder! Louder! Louder!”. I feel a murmur growing inside me…

         364 days passed by, 364 times I tried searching, 364 pieces of me.

         …

         It is a beautiful night, people are smiling, people are dancing, people are happy. The crowd is moving forward, taking me with its movement. The boulevard does not seem enough for all these souls’ energy. In the end, it is New Year’s Eve.

         10… I am recalling the first day, assembling each second to a fragile structure. I had left many so called friends in the past, I have gained so many other true ones. I still do not have any idea why I had gone at that party. I had been looking for a place to belong to and I ended up in the exact opposite place. Or at least it felt like it. The music was too loud to distinguish any other sound, any other heartbeat. Everything was vibrating, the building, the flesh, the glasses. The champagne glass in my hand was not capable to reproduce my exact feelings… I dropped it. Somehow, that sound reached everyone, through all those walls of music and noise.  All the eyes were on me. Someone asked me what happened, what went wrong, why wasn’t I happy? I couldn’t answer.

         9… Two months went by, two months evaporated from my memory, two months to reach that one event. Again, I found myself in the centre of a crowd. I was supposed to conduct a speech, to tell all those people my version of events, to confront them in order to convince them. Then I looked at them. Right into their hearts and minds through the mirror of their eyes. And I tried, I tried so hard, I tried. Not a single word came out, not a single vibration of my vocal cords. Everyone watched mutely, as they were able to know what thoughts were running through my neurons. But I knew what ran through theirs… I was being judged. I left the scene. A hum was forming behind me. I should have been glad to be able to talk in front of them. Someone asked what happened, what went wrong, why wasn’t I happy? I couldn’t answer.

         8… I had been counting the minutes, the days, the weeks. The memory of that day was living just in my mind, it was digging, it was hardening its roots. I was craving to shout it all out loud. In the end I did. I found the right person. I said it all. I was finally free. And yet… the fear was still there. What if it happens again? I felt the urge to cry. Someone asked what happened, what went wrong, why wasn’t I happy? I couldn’t answer.

         7… I fought my fear and I buried it deep enough to remain silent. The summer came, the sun heated me, the light was brighter. My hope for better was ready to bloom. As I was channeling all my energy to find and combat my inner self, to bring her to the surface, my real exterior was suffering in silence. It looked as all the mirrors disappeared and I cared only about my own spiritual war. But then it was the time to show some outer side, to expose another mirror of myself, to present myself through it. And I did so, without any thought of the tragedy that would follow. I was judged again. I was casted out again in my own petrified fortress. I stopped showing up. Someone asked what happened, what went wrong, why wasn’t I happy? I couldn’t answer.

         6... The summer was slowly ending. I was deconstructing my walls brick by brick. I was ready to appear again between the two colossal gates, to fight again against the world… to try once again to win . The end of the summer represented quite an interesting win for me, I was willing to go out again, to find other people, to choose another outer sheet. I chose my friends more carefully, I had better time with each of them, I was slowly recovering. I was yet horrified by the thought of calling myself joyful, what if it disappears again? And I returned to my searching. Someone asked what happened, what went wrong, why wasn’t I happy? I couldn’t answer.

         5… The first rain drops of the fall found me in a crystal castle. In my despair, I had decided to let everyone to see through my shelter. I was quietly sitting in my self-created cage, waiting for someone to save me. I was looking hopelessly around me. People were coming and going, caught in this endless routine, I was a prisoner. I started to question where the key could have been… I had looked in each room, each corner, each person’s eyes. The answer was much simpler though. The key was a plain pendant for the necklace around my neck. It was the call to break the windows. Nobody understood the urgency to destroy everything. Someone asked what happened, what went wrong, why wasn’t I happy? I couldn’t answer.

         4… Everybody was watching silently as I was escaping through shards. The sky was the limit, the air a combustible, the mankind my destination. My flight was divine, without any unnecessary move, without any strain. My arms felt light, my body felt whole, my heart felt sane. The shards were finally falling in place correctly. In total, 364 pieces of a puzzle that was greater than the humankind’s ability to understand. That was me. 

         3…  My bare feet touched the ground slightly. I felt the softness tickling my skin. My flight was over. The humaneness had to see me as the new whole I had become. I was stepping on the same tiles as in the past, but it felt completely different. I was being precepted differently. All me previous search was worth it. The world did not seem that fierce, I was ready to be the beast my life needed, to be the princess my castle needed, to be the wind my thoughts needed. That was me.

         2… I still needed the 365^th piece and I was determined to find it. One last step to my biggest treasure. The so close finished puzzle was waiting patiently, it knew its destiny. My search started again, a sweet pressure this time. Each step, the slow molding of the feet on the surface of the road, the feeling of knowing, everything lighted my road. Going forward, my heart beating, my mind breathing freely, it all cleared my road. There was no need for a mirror to know how spectacular my image was, everything falling in place. That was me.

         1… I open my eyes. I clear my nostrils. I am blinking precipitately. I realise where I am. Just one second to a new beginning. I am here to write new stories, build new castles, create new universes. Each of my problems is and will be a new fortress which I will have to deconstruct brick by brick. I am ready for it all. This second… this second is my missing piece. Now I know. Our lives are made out of new beginnings. We just have to find them.

         I place my missing piece at its exact destined place. The puzzle is now complete. There is just one thing to be done. All the eyes are on me. Everything is pushing me to say it, I am ready to say it. My lips are opening to welcome the so long waited words:

“I promise to be happy…”

         “Louder! Louder! Louder!”

         I know I can do it. I have to do it. I want to do it. I gather all the attention, noise and air around me. These words are the glue to all those puzzle pieces I gathered. People around me and I are breathing simultaneously. Whether they were too harsh, whether I was pulling the wrong strings, we are now a whole, they are alimenting my will. My vocal cords are ready, my lungs are ready, my lips open once again, now convincingly:

         “I promise to be happy”.