Friends Forever

The McDonalds was decently crowded. The fluorescent lighting excessively illuminated the interior that didn’t really merit the illuminating: packs of middle school kids laughing and screaming and filming Tik Tok videos, wrappers and food scraps scattered on tables, elderly Korean men sipping on coffee while reading free Korean newspapers.

Anna and Michelle sat in the deepest corner by the bathroom. A Burberry coat was folded on the chair next to Anna. Michelle sported an old parka from an unrecognizable brand, with scratches here and there. 

“Whistleblowing, huh.” 

Anna nodded, “Yeah. Gone wrong. Nobody would hire me now, I've been trying for months. The job market’s not how it was, and word travels fast in the industry.” 

“I’m really sorry to hear that, Anna. It’s really frustrating how unfair the whole situation is.” 

Anna shoved another chicken nugget into her mouth without saying anything. As she mindlessly stared at the rowdy adolescents, she thought to herself: is it an unfair situation? Maybe Karma is biting me back. 

Hitting rock bottom in her career afforded her a lot of time to think. And that wasn't good for her, because all the thinking revealed to her that she had been a terrible person. 

Once she left for college on the East Coast, she cut off ties with her friends, looking down on them as “the typical Midwestern kids." The kids who "settled"; the kids who went to community colleges, worked at restaurants, and got married young; the kids' whose biggest concerns were where to shop for their kids' clothes and Christmas gifts at bargain prices. To Anna, Michelle fell under this camp.  

As Anna went on to become an investment banker, she completely erased her childhood memories: the tremendous joy she would get from getting $20 on her birthday, giddily rushing over to T.J. Maxx with Michelle to get herself a T-shirt that she would proceed to wear every week. T.J. Maxx got traded up to Saks Fifth, Qdoba to the Gramercy Tavern, downtown Chicago trips to cruises in the Mediterranean.

Anna suddenly remembered the time when Michelle reached out to her after getting a nasty divorce — her 2nd one at age 32 — and…   

Anna felt tears filling her eyes. Anna rubbed her eyes and took a big sip of her diet coke. 

“I don’t know Michelle, is it unfair? I was pretty stupid… so full of myself… I just don’t know how I let myself become this.” 

Michelle took Anna’s hand in hers and said softly,  

“Anna, there’s no way you could have known this would happen. Don’t be too harsh on yourself.” 

Anna continued to babble on with a teary voice. “I don’t know Michelle, I don’t know. I’m just so stupid. I’m actually broke, Michelle, can you believe it? I really spent outside of my means…just to impress the people who now don’t give a crap about me. Like look at this, who the hell needs a Burberry coat?” Anna pointed at her coat and laughed.

“And I was mean to a lot of people who actually mattered to me… I feel disgusted with myself, Michelle.” 

Anna didn't know why she was telling Michelle all these things, some that seemingly had nothing to do with her failed career, after nearly 10 years of not speaking to each other, at a McDonald’s. She just felt like she had to tell Michelle everything, like she deserved the inevitable shame that would result from it. Anna was on the verge of sobbing. She chuckled awkwardly and started munching on more chicken nuggets. Some of the middle school kids and senior Koreans threw glances at Anna. Michelle handed her some napkins. 

After a long pause, Michelle said, “Well, I don’t live too far from here. Do you want to come over? I have to warn you my place is not the most comfortable in the world, but at least it'll be private.” 

* * *

“Welcome to my humble abode!” 

Michelle said cheerily as Anna followed her into her apartment. Anna took a look around while Michelle was using the restroom. The apartment boasted an unimpressive exterior and the interior was matched in its un-impressiveness. It was tiny and poorly lit. With every step the floor creaked, no, screamed. The L train track sat within an arm's reach from the window. Every time the L passed— which felt like every minute — the whole building shook. The furniture was kept to a bare minimum and all looked worn: a two-seat table, a small TV, a couch. The air vaguely smelled of old carpet and mildew.

Michelle came out of the bathroom, lit a candle, and immediately opened her kitchen drawer. She groaned.

“Ugh, I forgot to stock up on some tea… I’m completely out.”

“Oh that’s no big deal. I don’t need anything.” 

“You stay here, let me run out and get some”

“Don’t be silly, Michelle, I don’t need anything. Plus I’m the one who came empty handed.” 

“Oh come on, I insisted that you come, of course you’re not expected to bring anything.” 

The bickering went on for a while: I should go get some, no you really don’t need to, no I gotta give you something, then I will go get it, nonsense! Eventually Michelle exclaimed “Oh!” and opened a kitchen cabinet, and triumphantly retrieved a packet of Swiss Made hot chocolate. 

“My coworker gave me one last week. I’ll make it. Oh, I also made some sugar cookies the other day. I think they’ll go well with hot chocolate.” 

“You really don’t have to, Michelle…” 

“No, I do! My mom always told me I needed to offer guests the best thing I have – Sorry the best thing I have happen to be just Swiss Made hot chocolate and not-fresh-baked cookies,” she continued as she rummaged through her fridge, “plus, the one thing I learned as I got older is that I probably should have listened to my mom more.” 

Anna chuckled. Michelle had a point. Save more money, you’re going to regret it later. Don’t bother with the whole whistleblowing, just quit your job. Don’t make a scene, you won’t be able to change anything. Her "Too Korean" mom used to aggravate Anna, but in hindsight, her mom had been right all along. 

Michelle started humming as she boiled some water and started arranging cookies on a plate.

“So, are you seeing anyone?” 

“No. Well, I was, but he dumped me after the whole whistleblowing incident.” 

“Oh. I’m sorry, I’m not helping to brighten the mood aren’t I.”

“Haha, it’s okay.” 

It really started to feel okay, as the room started to fill with a sweet, chocolaty scent. It brought Anna back to Saint Charles, IL in 2008, where she would go over to a friend’s house, either Michelle’s or Julia’s, and make hot chocolate together. They would gather in front of the TV with the hot chocolate and sugar cookies, and watch Mean Girls together. They would giggle while whispering about their crushes: Nathan on the soccer team, Scott on the swim team… They would play truth or dare, and the one who lost would be dared to text Scott on her Motorola. Nathan was too intimidating… 

“Well, fuck him anyway. You will find someone better.” Michelle declared as she set the cookies and the hot chocolate on the table. 

“Yeah, fuck him, ” Anna laughed and reached for the hot chocolate, but stopped herself.

“Wait, there’s just one hot chocolate?” 

“Yeah, I only had one. You can have it, I’ll just have some milk.” 

“Well…let’s share it. Otherwise I’m going to feel too bad.” 

Ignoring Michelle’s protests, Anna got up with the mug, marched into the kitchen, grabbed an extra mug from the cupboard, and proceeded to divide up the hot chocolate evenly between the two mugs. Anna returned to the table satisfactorily with two paltry portions of hot chocolate in her hands. 

Michelle shook her head and laughed. 

“Oh my god Anna, you haven’t changed one bit.” 

“Huh?” Michelle's comment startled Anna. She had been feeling like she was anything but herself. 

“You used to always share everything with everyone. Like that one time your aunt sent you a pack of cookies from Korea, remember? There were only like five cookies in there, but you insisted you had to share with all of us. Me, Natasha and Julia. You split it evenly between all of us and your family…you cut them with a little knife and panicked when you messed up!" 

Suddenly Anna remembered, like a fog in her brain was lifted. She had nothing back then: parents working minimum wage jobs for 7-days a week, the family of four living in a one bedroom apartment. But back then, she had a larger desire to share when, on the rare occasion, she happened to have something. She remembered the Korean idiom her mom would frequently drill into her and her sister. Like if they had one egg left, her mom would fry it and have everyone share an equal-sized piece, saying “You should share even one piece of pea.” Anna back then would not recognize the Anna she had been the past few years: treating herself to Chanel bags but never offering to pay for a drink, ignoring a friend who reached out for support at her lowest point…

Anna felt tears again. What is wrong with me? She thought. She didn’t want to cry. It was like her tear ducts were broken.  

“Oh no, are you okay? Did I say something?” 

“No, no. Yeah, I’m okay. It’s just, I don’t know, I’m just so emotional these days you know. I just randomly start crying even though I don’t really feel like crying.” 

“Yeah, yeah. I know what you mean. Here, have some of these. Just like the old days. Actually I’m pretty sure these are the same cookies I used to make in high school.” 

Anna calmed herself down and took a bite of a cookie. A simple sugar cookie with white icing and sprinkles on top. It did taste just like the cookies from sleepovers in high school. She felt like the cookie transformed her to her old self: Anna who had almost nothing but did share what she had; Anna who loved her friends more than anything else; Anna who was…happy. 

The two of them didn’t say anything for a while. Michelle turned on the TV that they blankly stared at but did not pay attention to. 

“Michelle.” 

“Yeah?” 

“I’m sorry.” Anna blurted out. Michelle eyed her quizzically. 

“Sorry? For what?” 

“You know.” 

Anna didn't elaborate and avoided Michelle's stare as she grabbed another cookie. The apartment was quiet except for the sound of the L train, of Anna munching on cookies, and of TV commercials. After the second L train passed, Michelle grinned and broke the silence as she popped a cookie into her mouth.

“I don’t know what you are talking about, you weirdo. Don’t be silly and just eat your cookies!”

They both laughed, then Anna started to sob again, while still laughing. Oh god, now you're crying-laughing? Michelle teased.

Anna knew her life was in shambles, but somehow she also knew she was going to be okay.