Listening in

 I lay my head back with my eyes closed and breath in the clean air of the night. It’s my favorite spot in the house, or should I say around the house? Either way, I ‘m alone on the roof right outside my window and it’s a beautiful night with a sky full of stars and a full moon. I like to relax out here away from the drama of family. I am the only one who has access to the roof so no one can bother me here.

 “Wait what!?” I hear someone saying, breaking the silence of the night. They sound worried or shocked or maybe shockingly worried. “I don’t understand! We talked about this!” It’s my sister, she must be on the phone because I don’t hear anyone else. She’s visiting from college and driving me nuts trying to get in my business. I can’t see her but she’s close by and trying not to let anyone hear her conversation because she’s never on this side of the house.

 “Yeah, uh huh. I know right.” She laughs a little. “She’s always doing stuff like that and thinks it’s okay. I know I should tell her but I’m only here for a few days then I have to go back. Do you think she will understand? I don’t know, I’ll think about it.”

Wait, is she talking about me? Is there something she needs to tell me? Is that why she keeps bugging me? She doesn’t usually ask me so many questions when she visits or does she? I usually just tune her out when she’s here. Have I tuned out something important? Is she in some trouble? What have I missed? She’s always talking, how am I supposed to know what is important? I guess we’ve never been close and maybe she is trying to get close now that she in college. I don’t know.

“I know right!” she’s laughing now. “Maybe she’s too young, I shouldn’t say anything. But she might tell someone though. Yeah, I guess.” She’s laughing again really hard now. “Someone should say something, can’t let her go on like that.” She must be listening now to whoever she is talking to because it’s gone quiet. Wait, did she leave? Where did she go? I wish I could see her. I try to move to see if I can see anything. But I really don’t feel like falling off the roof while eavesdropping on my sister’s conversation. I would rather die than get caught caring about what’s going on in her life, that is unless she’s talking about me. Is she talking about me?

 I hear a giggle, she’s still there. Who could she be talking to anyway? Someone I know, someone from college? What if she’s done something bad and wants to yell me but can’t because she thinks I would tell our parents? Maybe the questions she has been asking have been her way of testing me to see what I might do? I mean, I wouldn’t say anything if she told me something in confidence, or would I? She has ratted me out many times even though I asked her not to say anything more than once.

She keeps laughing so, it can’t be that serious, right? What could it be? Did she cheat on a test or maybe she paid someone to write a paper for her because my friend does it all the time and make good money doing it. Did she drop out and didn’t tell our parents and moved out with some guy with tattoos and a motorcycle? He probably doesn’t have a job and sells drugs to support them and treats her like crap. She had to quit school to support them.

She’s sniffing now. Is she crying? Who is making her cry and what did I miss? I was so busy trying to figure out what is going on I missed something! My brain is always trailing off on something shiny like that time I was supposed to practicing for my driver’s test and, shit now she’s laughing again! What kind of conversation is this, one minute she’s laughing and the next she’s crying? What is going on, does she have emotional problems and she doesn’t to tell me? “Look, this will take time and I will have to this right. I just hope it goes over well and she can understand why. She’s a good person and I trust her but, I don’t know. Yeah, that’s true. I understand that but…” she pauses to listen.

“You could do it. I know, but I don’t think I can even if she agrees. This is what I warned her about and now look at me. How can I be a hypocrite? She may not be strong enough to deal with this. I know I have to tell her; I just don’t want her to think less of me.” She goes quiet again, listening.

Who is she talking to? I bet it’s her friend from college. What was her name, oh I can’t remember. I wish I listened better. But she talks so much, I just stop listening and now I really don’t know what’s going on in her life and now I want to know what’s going on. I am such a bad sister. Don’t most sisters want to talk and be close? I mean my friends have a decent relationship with their sisters. They think it’s cool to listen to their college stories about parties, guys, friends and maybe a little about actual college. Don’t most college students try to go abroad for a semester or something? Anyway, now I’m listening to my sister having a serious conversation with God knows who about God knows what and now I want to know! I suck, what kind of person does that? Me! I am that person.

“Okay, so I guess that’s it then. I have to talk to her, be honest and hope for the best. Yeah, thank you for being there for me. It means a lot. Yes, I know it has to be tonight. I have got to leave tomorrow anyway. I will let you know how it goes. Okay, thanks again, see you tomorrow, bye.” She hangs up and starts walking back inside.

Now what? I have to go downstairs at some point and see what’s going on. Nah, I think I will just stay here on the roof, I don’t want to know what’s going on in her life. If she wants to tell me something she will or maybe she will chicken out and then I will never know.  Okay, make up your mind, do you want to know or not? Maybe I should go downstairs and tell her that I was listening to her conversation and let her know that she could tell me anything. That she can trust me. Or I could just act like I didn’t hear anything. Yeah, I can do that. I can just tune her out like I always do. Who am I kidding, I want to know, I won’t be able to tune her out. It will be all over my face, I can’t hide what I’m feeling. Everyone knows that.

What was that? I heard something, a knock at the door. “Dinner is ready. Are you coming down?” It’s my sister at the door. What do I do? “OK.” I lean towards the open window and say. Now what, should I wait a little or hurry down? I’m going to be stressed out and I don’t even know what is going on! I climb back in my room and close the window.

I’ll just go eat dinner as usual and be normal, yeah, I can be normal, I can do this. I got this. Then why am I just standing here doing nothing? I can’t be normal, that’s why. “Hey, are you coming?” she says again. “Yes, give me a minute.” I say. “Are you okay?” she asks. I pause for a beat. “Yes, I’ll be down in a minute.” I manage. Well, now I really have not go downstairs, dammit.

After like ten minutes I make my way to the dinner table. Everyone is talking. I sit and take my place at the table next to my sister. Man, I wish I was sitting somewhere else right now. “Everything alright?” my mom asks. “Yes, I was doing something, I’m good.” I say looking at my plate of spaghetti. Then everyone just falls into our normal dinner conversations like nothing is going on. I don’t get it, what is going on? I try to play it cool, but I’m about to bust. I want to say something, but she would know I was eavesdropping.

We all eat dinner and clean up and usual and I can’t stand it anymore and ask “S, what’s new with you?” I ask my sister. She looks at me confused, “Um, nothing really, just the usual college stuff. Classes, a lot of papers to write, studying for test. Are you interested in my college life? “she says with a little sting. “Yes, my friends tell me about their sisters and brothers’ stuff who are in college, just curious.” I say. “Okay.” Is all she says.

We don’t say much else, and I head back to my room with no answers. This is so frustrating, but what can I do about it? Nothing, because all I have is theories, assumptions. Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever let someone else’s life bother me like this and I don’t even really know what’s going on! I wish she would just tell me! Maybe she wasn’t even talking about telling me something, but who else could she have been talking about?

I stay up most the night wondering what is going on with her and whatever is going how come she won’t tell me. This is totally stressing me out! I can’t imagine her doing something really stupid, so maybe it’s just a small thing that really doesn’t matter and she’s blowing it out of proportion. Yeah, that sounds right. She e does tend to do that, make things bigger than they are. I’m glad I’m not like that. I wouldn’t stress about things and make it a huge deal. Wait, I totally would and I’m doing it right now!!