Hidden Existence

With one last stroke of red with my brush, I complete my piece. I gaze all over the painting in admiration and jealousy of what I could have, but never will: experiencing the world. Or at the very least learning in a real classroom.

For the past almost 18 years of the pandemic, known as COVID-19, my Mom and I have lived inside this bunker in the woods to stay safe. Mom always said how it was best this way, everyone isn’t safe enough and mingles despite what is going on around them. I understand the concern, but I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to live like a normal girl: to have friends or go to events. Go to school. 

“Rachel, honey,” quiet footsteps approach my bedroom from the hall. My head turns toward my door from my easel just in time to see my Mom’s ‘leaving the bunker’ look. This usually consists of casual clothes that she doesn’t care too much about for when she goes out into the contaminated world of the pandemic. 

“I am heading to the store for groceries for a while. With your birthday coming up I wanted to make sure that I made it special with it being eighteen, you know,” she smiles that sweet smile that I love so much.

“Paints would be amazing,” I say as I look back at my completed artwork.

Mom gasps as she walks over to my easel and puts a hand over her chest. “This is just a lovely one sweetheart. People will just love this.”

I do have a passion for painting but a huge reason I do it is for money. My paintings are sold for super high prices and my mom and I live off of it. I think she wants me to keep painting as well to keep me happy since I have never been out in the world.

“The next time you go out it will be ready. It needs time to set,” I say.

Mom plays with my long hair. “Okay. I will pick up a cake too. See you in a bit. Love you.” She leaves my room.

“I love you more,” I say to the empty room.

***

I think that I have finally picked the paper that I want to start my next project of the night sky when I hear a knock at the front entrance.

The paper I was holding hits the ground as my heart suddenly feels like it is going to beat right out of my chest. Nobody ever comes here. The bunker is in the woods. Why would anyone ever need to come here?

I slowly gather enough energy to get to my knees, then one foot, and the other. 

The knocking is coming frantically now. I begin to shake and feel lightheaded as I make my way toward the entrance. 

It’s a girl. A little girl is screaming so loud my heart just sinks.

I grab a face mask and shield and put it on as I unlock the entrance and open it.

The first sight is a small, pale girl with bright red cheeks and a tear stained face. She stopped screaming at the top of her lungs so now she is just whimpering and looking up at me with downturned eyes.

“I-I am so sorry,” she sniffles. “I don’t mean to come to your home — I mean I did but I just needed someone because I don’t know where I am and I know that my parents are looking for me. I played too far from where I was supposed to —“

“Hey. It’s okay everything will be okay.” I stopped her rambling. 

“Can you help me?” She begs. 

She is traumatized right now. I can’t just leave her here. I know these woods in and out. But mom — mom will be back shortly and if she catches me … I don’t know. She won’t believe me if I say that I was careful, that is why she doesn’t let me go outside when she is gone. I want to see outside this forest; I want to go beyond that but I would take anything. I will be back shortly, right?

“Yes, I will help you.” I close the bunker entrance behind me.

“Let’s hurry though, we don’t have much time.”

***

The girl, which I learn her name as Emilie, and I make our way through the woods as efficiently as possible. Meanwhile, Emilie has seemed to really like to talk to me, which shouldn’t be good because in a matter of minutes I will never see her again. The thing is, I enjoy her company as well. It’s hard not to, considering the only other person I have seen in real life is Mom. 

I manage to get to a place where I can barely make out the boundary of the forest and what I see beyond that is a very residential territory. There is a whole neighborhood of activity going on right now from kids playing in the streets to adults talking on porches. It’s incredible. 

“C’mon Rachel! I want you to meet my parents!”

I stop dead in my tracks while Emilie runs ahead. I was so caught up in the people around me that I didn’t speak up and say that I had to go. 

Emilie turns around and scrunches her little eyebrows in concern. “Rachel?”

I fidget with my nails behind my back. “Emilie, I have to go back home. My mom will be back any minute and will be terribly worried.”

“Just call her.” Emilie looks at me with an expression that says that conclusion should have been obvious.

“Emilie, I can’t. I--”

“Emilie! Oh honey we were looking all over for you.” A young couple are running with arms stretched out and enormous relief written on their faces. When they finally reach Emilie, the woman and man hold her so tight.

I hold my hands behind my back and wait a few awkward moments before I see the man notice me standing there. “Did you help Emilie find her way home?”

I shift awkwardly as my hands start sweating. These are real people I am face to face with. An adult just asked me a question to my face. Amazing. I want to say  everything but don’t know where to start.

“Yes I did,” I pause. “I know these woods pretty well.”

All three of them are looking at me as the man’s eyes start glistening.

“We are Emilie’s parents. You have no idea how blessed we are that you did that. Emilie has been missing for hours and nobody in the neighborhood has seen her.” Her mom hugged Emilie again.

“What's your name?” Emilie’s dad asked with his eyes still shiny.

“Rachel. It is really nice meeting you.”

“Can Rachel meet my friends? Please? She is my best friend now”

Emilie chimes in with her eyes glued to her parents in a pleading expression and her palms together.

“That sounds like a great idea. C’mon Rachel, you should meet some of our neighbors. They will be delighted to meet you.” 

Emilie links arms with me and all four of us head toward the rest of the houses. Nothing is on my mind besides the excitement of meeting new people.

***

After I don’t know how long of having the best conversations I have ever had with so many people, my harsh reality hits me so suddenly my stomach practically collapses. The people I am talking to notice my sudden mood change.

“Rachel? You okay?”

I try to collect myself enough to nod and plaster some sort of positive expression on my face before I respond. I make sure I word it in a way that doesn’t embarrass me. “My mom is probably worried at this point. I am never away from home for long.”

“Oh okay if you have to. You’ll come back to visit all of us at some point right?” 

Rapid footsteps in the grass approach me from behind and turn my head to see Emilie slightly out of breath. “You have to go? I will see you again right?” She looks up at me with those big pleading eyes.

“We’ll see Emilie. I am sorry I have to go,” I pull my mask down enough to show her a smile and I start walking back to the woods.

***

Once I had entered the woods, I went into a dead sprint and didn't stop until I reached the bunker. I collapse on the ground and heave in and out. I am not a runner.

I have no idea how long it has actually been. The shadows have shifted slightly but impossible to tell the time. I am not that savvy.

I stumble my way to the front entrance and fumble the code to get inside. Once I stand in the doorway, hesitant relief floods my body as no lights are on or any other signs that mom could be here yet. 

I close the entrance and walk a few more steps before I freeze as goosebumps cover my skin. Mom appears at the end of the hall.

“Think you could get away with it? Sneaking out to that neighborhood?” she says with a dark monotone voice.

I don’t know what to say. How did she know where I was?

She starts walking closer. She has her hands behind her back. Normally I wouldn’t notice but I am afraid of her reaction to what I have done when it comes to her religious pandemic mitigation. 

“For one, we have cameras, which you obviously didn’t know, and I saw you just having a grand time with a crowd of people. I am surprised you even had a mask and face shield on.” She says eyeing the two items in my hands I had taken off earlier. “Leaving the bunker was a careless act.”

My heart is beating in my throat and I start to shake. “I am sorry. A girl got lost and felt so bad for her and then I got caught up with all these great people --”

“Stop the mumbling. You know I hate that. None of that matters!

The girl could have been infected. Jesus, everyone could be contaminated and they all gather with no masks and then you decide to join.” The expression on her face is threatening. “Now you could have gotten me infected. After almost eighteen years of escaping it. Do you not have an ounce of selflessness in you, girl?”

Mom brings her hands out from behind her. She was just holding some type of protective equipment, but it still makes my heart feel like it is going to beat out of me. She puts on a full body suit and walks toward me.

“Come with me now. I thought I had escaped the times you would get us into trouble.” Her voice is muffled but I can still make out the haunting words. She grabs my hands behind my back and pushes me forward.

She is going to put me in a quarantine hole. She has mentioned this before but I have never considered me actually going there. I shouldn’t go in there. Why is my mom doing this to me? I have never experienced my mom act this way before. I don’t know her. I feel like a prisoner. I create resistance against my mom’s hands but her grip is tighter, holding my hands in place. 

“I thought you loved me. Why are you acting like a different person? I know the pandemic is a big deal but I would think you would trust me enough to be careful.”

“Don’t guilt trip me. You know the system and you betrayed it so you get punished.”

I stop. She tries to push me forward but I stand strong. “You have no right to do this to me. I am going to fight until I can get out of here. You can’t hold me here forever.”

“It will be long enough to regret doing everything you pulled today. Come on!” 

Eventually I surrendered. Not because I am weak. I have spent the last almost eighteen years trapped within the walls of this bunker and yearned to grow up like a normal girl. Yes, a normal girl in school is a hazard because of the pandemic and I get that. Not being able to talk to people and staying in the same place your whole life is a hazard to my mental health, and have felt that for years. I am going to take this short time I have left until I can live on my own and take it with the positivity I always have. Mom knows too much about the law and how to get out of punishment herself but if I am eighteen, she can’t do anything about it. This will be the hardest thing I have ever done but I have met people today I want to interact with like a family. So I will stay with my mother for me and so I can get back to Emilie.

***

“You're so pretty, Rachel.”

It has been a year since I have left my home and now live in the neighborhood I had once visited. I may not have a relationship with my mother since she decided to lock me in a hole until I turned eighteen as I threatened to turn her in if she didn’t release me.

Now, I am putting makeup on Emilie because she likes mine so much.

“Can you live here forever?” Emilie asks me looking at our reflections in the mirror.

“I plan on being here for a long time. I can’t guarantee anything because I can’t tell the future but I will try my best to stay near you.”

Emilie hugs me and leaves to go show her parents the makeup I had done on her.

I love this new life. I am naturally still careful about the nineteen year pandemic and have come off as an example to everyone around me too. Everyone doing their part is an important thing to get to the goal of whatever normal life actually means to everyone who lived before this hit. What I have learned by living in a bunker for my whole life is that having a positive attitude and the best intentions through not the best situation, does wonders.

#DoYourPart