I propose.....

I walked barefoot not recognizing who I was. I lived in a small apartment in the corner of Rose Avenue and Greenville Road. A famous road where one morning we all woke up and found a dead body sprawled on the middle of the road. We all were in shock and we did not know whose body it was. Guilty or not guilty, we walked over the small crowd which had gathered around our street trying to put the pieces of the the mystrey together. He was not a homeless lost soul. He was not too old or malnourished. He looked like he belonged to someone. I had offered them my white bed sheet to cover his healthy body which was imposing it's presence on all all of us. With gowns and hair clips we all expressed shock and mumbled at the loss of our property values by a boy scout who decided to interrupt our morning routine. Because the day did not belong to us, we ran to dress up and rush to work and leave the guys with badges and streamers figure out if the body was placed there or if it was flung there.

I remember that tragedy. It happened not so long ago, but my depression had set in in spite of the talk that resulted after the tragedy of an unknown man who could not knock on the right door and ended up wasting away on concrete. I had just broken up with my longtime boyfriend of many many many years. he just was not "feeling" it anymore. I begged him to reconsider me, he declined. I begged him once again. He declined and put his hands in his pockets of a pair of trousers that I did not recognize. I then decided to save myself with grace and closed the door and promised myself to never call him again. He left and I was miserable. I cried for days, for months unsure if I could ever pick up the pieces of my life and recover from such a bad consideration by his indulgence.

Food will heal all wounds. I ate a lot of food and drank a lot. I then realized that I was making myself sick from wanting pity where there was none. I had no friends to speak of. So living on Greenville Road the famous street where a man with an unknown identity was found was my only comfort. Reporters would stream month after month to ask and to investigate what we heard and what we saw before and after the dead man was found. That gave me days of not focusing on my lost love. I had something that replaced my disappointment. I had a dead man to obsess over, to read about, to view on TV where all reporters were outdoing each other with suppositions. It was like having an affair with a stranger who could not find me if at all there was a need for us to meet. I loved the illicit feeling of not being part of the truth of the living but my imagination could be bad or evil and I did not have to pay for my sinning. I had a thought and a thought was not the same as an act now was it? Which is why my break up with Him ended up being a non event. I worked as hard as I could. From that tragedy there were so many spinoffs and comparisons of neighborhoods that were quiet and suddenly were in the news because of an unexpected death or a criminal act. So let us just say that there was a whole lot of watching and hearing to do which involved no tears or pain and suffering.

I cruised through life not worrying about my tomorrow. I ate as much as I could. I cooked and cashed all of my winnings, if I took a break and tried a hand at black jack. Yes I lived in Temecula next to a casino. I had gone to that casino several times with my lover. It was a big step for me to go back to the casino alone and I thought that it would hurt, but it didn't. I sat on that blackjack table and played my hand like a pro. I had done this several times and it showed. We at the table had drinks and fun and checked into our rooms as though we all the players at the black jack table came together. I had my own room and they were traveling from out of town only to be at a black jack table in this casino. I lived nearby and wanted to relax away from home.

When we bet on the black jack table we talk and tell each other our life stories. It is fun that way. It not as intrusive. It is not written on any stone. We can be honest and not have to pay for our honesty. We also will not see each other ever again. So what harm could a conversation or two have on a wilting soul? None, I say.

I was rejuvinated when I sat at the restaurant with a plate full of breakfast and orange juice making a decision of how much I wanted to lose that day. I was glad that I was moving on with my life. Our street had returned to normal only a few visitors a week and fewer cars drove on our street so all was ominously quiet. My apartment had become my only place where I could sit still and not have a thought on my mind. If at all I had phone calls, they did not include heavy breathers, or hang ups, or wrong numbers. they just were business. All of my callers referred to me as "Mam" and that suited me just fine. For once I could think straight, enough of a clouded mind.

Months and months later I started to worry that I was just too healthy and doing too well. As it is always my bad habit, I had to find something that a was going to derail my happiness, my new found balance and serenity. I needed chaos. I was not going to find it by calling Him. That was just too obvious. Anyone can pick up a phone and call an ex who had clearly indicated that he had had enough. He even put his hands in his pockets! That is a universal sign of "do not step any further than you have."

I liked going to one particular restaurant that we frequented when we were happy. I decided that I would try my luck and do it by myself and see where that will take me emotionally. I sat at the corner where I could see the street and the patrons enter the restaurant. I was alone and prepared to be there by myself and do what in college we called 'people watch'. It is fun when done with friends. Alone, it can be a bore or an act of mental instability because if you laugh by yourself at a joke that you might see in others, those around you will worry that you have lost it. I promised to keep my laughter to myself. I had my first course, wanting very much to be part of the ambiance of the surroundings that used to be familiar but without Him, were suddenly a place to rummage and add my lies to it. The walls are green today! Were they green the last time I was here with Him! Everything had to confirm itself once again. Yes, the walls were green they were this shade of green the last time that you were here. I could hear my imaginary life responding to me.

Because I forgot to put a sign on my door in my apartment that said: "gone fishing!" he stopped by who knows for what, indeed he stopped by to see me and when he could not find me he too thought of this restaurant that we had frequented together in our past! And there I was ooogling at strangers at the corner table that faced traffic and the door of the restaurant. Like a fox ready to strike and hurt the next man in sight, I was on the prowl. He walked in and asked if he needed a reservation for that evening. No, it seemed like it was not busy. he could pick any table. He was alone at last that evening. I bet it was my turn. Or maybe she died. Anyway I looked away and pretended that I was not looking his way. He walked towards me and asked if I came with someone. I said that I did, he had to rush on an emergency he was a doctor on call that evening. That interested him enough to ask to sit with me. I was nervous because I was pure that evening. I only made a mistake of revisiting the scene of the crime where we built a life which he would on his own time end for his own convenience!

"It is so good to see you again. I stopped by your apartment and you were not there. I was sad. I thought that I would not see you again. I tried this restaurant hoping that you would be here. I am glad I did. How have you been?.....I have been through so much these past months. I had to take care of business. I know it was so selfish of me to not tell you what I was up to. I just did not want to hurt you. I was surprised too, but it had to be done. I think that once you have a chance to see things my way that you will agree with me that I was right to do what I did. I know that hurt you and you were surprised, I just had no choice. I took the high road. Essentially what I am saying to you is, Oh, have you ordered. Let's order. What I am saying is.. wait a minute!"

I will have steak and a green salad, I think that the lady will have salmon and a salad with spritzer water and a fruit salad. Maybe we can have a coffee later. I appreciate it.".....

"What was I saying, Oh.. you were surprised, I am sure. I did not get sick or anything. I had some business to take care of. I think you once mentioned that I seem not to be all there for you. I think that is what I was dealing with. I was taking care of business. Anyway it is all clear now. You look good, What have you been up to? I missed you. I was so glad that you respected my wishes and you did not call or anything. That helped me a lot I got to focus. About the doctor on call, how did that happen? I know I could not leave you alone by yourself. Well that is my loss. Who is he? .....Last month I bought a new car. I paid up my condo. My mom lives with my brother now. I also renovated and I have a brand new kitchen.

Let us just say I am on easy street."

"Oh thanks, the food is here. Did you want salmon or did you want steak. I think you will like salmon. You always ordered salmon when we were here. I think you will like it."

"Anyway where was I, this steak is good, try it, what have you been up to, and by the way I think I am here to ask you to take me back. I think that I misspoke when I asked you to break up with me. I should have been more honest and told you of what was going on with me. Will you marry me? I am serious, I know what you need, I know what you want, I have been with you for years, we literally grew up together, marrying me is a good investment for you, not only do you know me, I have been around you and you have seen me through all sorts of developments in our lives, I have money to provide for you, I am forward thinking, I respect the womens' right to be themselves at work and at home, if you want to earn a living I will support your decision or if you want to be a stay home mom, I will support that too, I am doing well at home, I saw a therapist who has helped me understand your needs better than I did before, I want to have kids, and I believe that you do too, I have an idea of the home that you want, I can afford that, my health is fine and so I hope yours is as well, what else......Oh I did not realize that I am doing all the talking!"

"I will marry you now let's eat."