How to park your Dragon

How *not to park your Dragon: A short tale on the futility of being unreasonably rude in a normal situation

“You cannot be serious." Juan stared dumbfounded at the woman before him. "It's a dragon!"

Leo-Heracles didn't care for his master's shouting, he was tired from their long cross-pacific flight. In his purple robe and star-covered top hat the little human Juan looked ridiculous. Leo-Heracles found the ridiculousness somewhat endearing ... somewhat.

"Legislation passed last month sir. All flying objects larger than an Amazonian Griffin must pay for parking." The woman's silver skin sparkled in the sunlight and her thick sunglasses protected her sensitive eyes from it. She was sweating beneath her dockworker overalls and was not at all in the mood for a full blown argument with this clown.

"Listen lady I have just flown all the way from New York after stopping an Inferno Demon from melting the statue of Liberty, I am now here in your lovely little city for a spot of admin. I am exhausted and I don't have time for your incredulous bureaucracy!"

LADY!!! The woman thought.

INCREDULOUS!! Leo-Heracles thought. His master wasn't even using the word correctly.

"Listen sir! I don't give a rat-monkey's ass where you've been and what you've done the law is the law! You either pay up or I get the police down here!"

"The police?" Juan laughed and make a *pfft sound with his lips. "Like I just finished explaining to you lady I just defeated an Inferno Demon; notoriously powerful and hard to defeat. Do you think your petty threats frighten me? I am Juan Hozart the Hero of Guadalupe and Associate to Jim the Sprogat King!"

People were starting to stare now. Dock workers, commercial flight passengers and more importantly ... security. Leo-Heracles spotted a pair of Trolls in high-vis vests have a hasty whispered discussion before making their way towards the commotion. The dragon was not best pleased and was still absolutely shattered from the demon fight and subsequent flight.

"Sir can you just calm down and if you are really some hero of repute can you not just simply pay the fifteen silver ..."

"Some repute! SOME!" Juan hit a certain shrill tone here that Leo-Heracles immediately recognized, sighed and started to fill his throat up with flame. “Ever heard of a little spell called Imminent Hands-Free Lasso? Only the single most useful household telekinetic bit of magic of the last twenty years! I invented it! Me and you say … SOME repute!”

One of the Trolls had a wedding ring on and the other seemed so damn close to retirement. All Juan had to do was snap his fingers and kablam you’ve got two hunks of BBQ that should have went back to their families tonight.

“Sir I have tried being incredibly reasonable with you, but I think my colleagues would now like a word with you.” The woman tactfully stepped quite a ways back as she spoke. "But thank you for choosing to visit Edinburgh!"

“Oh, absolutely typical! Send a couple of brutes to bully the fine upstanding, nay embodiment of civil finery, member of society there perhaps ever was! I have had it up to here with all this bloody nonsense and am this close to losing my rag!” Juan held up his left hand with his middle finger pressed to his thumb, prepared to snap. Leo-Heracles had the flames on the tip of his tongue and was ready to obey.

“Hello sir and welcome to Edinburgh. What seems to be the problem for you today?” asked the younger Troll, his face warm and a home-cooked meal likely waiting for him at the end of his shift.

“Do you have any idea the sort of power you are skirting with here lawman? I am the Terror of Trafalgar, the Whirlwind of Watford, the Hurricane of … Halford. You simply don’t want to mess with me!”

“Have you had anything to drink recently sir?” the Troll asked calmly.

“What a despicable accusation you mongrel! Prepare to face …”

Bzzzzzzzt

Juan dropped face-first onto the gravel with a pair of black coiling wires connecting to his limp little form to the bright yellow taser held by the elder looking of the Trolls. He shook his head and holstered the taser with elegance. “I has had enough of this sorta sheet.”

The trial was swift and brutal. It turns out there were literally dozens of other people quick to heap more accusations of general dickheadery upon Juan’s shoulders with the parking permit incident being the veritable cherry on the shit cake. After three long years of arduous servitude under the wizard that had conned him Leo-Heracles was free. How the dragon had ever fallen for that reverse time-share scheme was beyond him now.

The dragon sat in the courthouse parking area basking in the afternoon sun. His future was his own and he could travel anywhere with his immense wings and do anything. There was always gainful employment to be found in the banking sector but laying on mounds of gold and roasting would be thieves was a young man’s game. No, Leo-Heracles would simply go where the wind would take him.

“Hey there.”

The dragon looked down and saw the silver-skinned woman in shades he came to know as Meg. She looked dapper in her court suit and a summer umbrella kept the sun off her.

“Are you satisfied with the outcome?” Leo-Heracles asked.

“More than satisfied. Who knew heroes had that much gold to hand out to save face?”

“Gold isn’t everything. Take it from me.”

“It’s what you need to see the world.”

“I was planning on stretching my wings. Where would you like to go.”

Days turned into weeks and soon enough six months had passed. Meg and Leo-Heracles had seen both polar ice caps and the summit of every mountain on the planet. He should have been exhausted with all the flying but instead Leo-Heracles felt a hundred years younger. Their courtship had been strange, unconventional but glorious in the end. After an atypical ceremony the pair flew back to where it all began in a docking yard in the middle of Edinburgh where it only cost fifteen silver pieces to park.