Funny Guy

Prompt: Center your story around a comedian, clown, street performer, or magician

Funny Guy

The curtain goes up! The music begins to play as I dance onto the stage bellowing: “Overture, curtain, lights, this is it, the night of nights no more rehearsing and nursing a part. We know every part by heart. Overture, curtain, lights this is it; you’ll hit the heights. On with the show this is it! (1)

Bugs Bunny would be proud of me as I gracefully sailed across the stage donning a top hat and cane. I saw the wonder in the wide-eyed gazes of my audience, all 6-year-olds. Their cheers were deafening, particularly when my mom served them each a chocolate frosty cone. They loved me and, I loved making them laugh.

My followers (long before social media was a “thing”), called me Hammy. My parents nicknamed me Hamfoon because I was a big buffoon. Later, as my fans became more sophisticated (what junior high can do to people) my fans changed it to “Hambone.”

I was the talk of the town, literally. I was the twerpy guy whose friends and neighbors invited me over to perform stand-up at their kids’ birthday parties, bar mitzvahs, and even graduations. It wasn’t so much about my joke content that made people laugh. My success was strategic. I’d smash their funny bones using my appearance, my voice range, and my delivery. “You bust my stitches” my best friend and part-time side kick Joey would say to me. I’d ask “what stitches? The ones holding your head to your neck?” Joey would burst like a balloon in laughter which caused him to roll on the floor. One time when we were on stage together, he laughed so much he wet his pants. The audience loved it thinking it was part of the act. From that moment on, Joey made sure he always had a dry set to change into when he was not sure he could hold it in. Secretly, I incorporated a series of hilarious jokes into my routine for that sole purpose. I prided myself on being such a nice guy to share some of the limelight with him.

My comedic antics carried over into high school. My reputation left its mark on my high school drama teacher during my freshman year. One day she asked me what my motivation was. I replied, “Babydoll, you and I will go places together.” That comment earned me a week of detention.

Once I settled down, I answered her question with careful wording. I was greatly influenced by my mentors unbeknownst to them. Don Rickles said “my whole act is off the top of my head.” Two things I really love doing are winging it with my routine and eating spicy chicken wings. But not both at the same time, however.

Another idol, Bob Newhart said “Be a kid as long as you can. Don’t rush into adulthood, as it isn’t all that much fun.” I take that to heart whether I am performing or not. My parents constantly remind me “to grow up and act your age.” Little do they know I plan to act like a kid for the rest of my life so I can still be a dependent on their tax returns and avoid my taxes.

I could easily go on with more idols and mentors, but one in particular strongly resonated with me. Jerry Lewis was a character of epic proportions. He was phenomenal as a funny man, stand-up comic and most importantly as a philosopher and philanthropist. He once said “Comedy is a man in trouble. And without it, there is no humor.” I never met him but he really knew me at the core of my existence. Another quote I like was “I have had great success being a total idiot.” Yep, that’s me in a nutshell. Jerry also claimed he was an adrenaline junkie. His performances pumped him up on his ‘fight or flight’ chemical to help him forget his life’s pains, the losses of friends and family and his dementia.

Once I mended fences with my drama teacher/coach, my comedy act took off into orbit. I was a rocket out of control with my humor. Like Jerry, my adrenaline was pumping in my body like water out of a firehose. My act really flourished when I invited other students, faculty, and even parents up on the stage. We would dance, sing or role play in an improvised skit. I never once insulted or shamed anyone during my performances. If anyone was going to be humiliated, I made certain it would be me, because I was the king of self-deprecating humor. Hence, my names: Hammy, Hamfoon, and of course, Hambone!

One day my drama teacher said to me in all seriousness, “You are not going to graduate this year. Maybe next year.” I was shocked to hear that but showed no emotion. She saw my indifferent reaction to her statement. Then, she blurted out, “I got you! How do you like them apples!” I responded nonchalantly, “My humor is infectious and you finally caught my disease.There is no cure.” She countered, “but I’ll die as a happy idiot.” We both laughed hysterically but not to the point where I would wet my pants.

Now graduation was upon me. Most high schools have their valedictorian offer words of wisdom to their respective graduating mass of students. My school, on the other hand, asked me to perform at our graduation ceremony instead of the usual, protracted speeches from administrators and even the valedictorian (of which I was certainly not). The day had come and my adrenaline was oozing from my pores. If only Jerry could see me now. I persuaded Joey to join me on the dais. We were reckless, boisterous, and of course so incredibly funny. Joey wet his pants again, but fortunately he was wearing absorbent underwear so it really was not part of the act. Today I had the administrators tackle a skit which included singing and dancing. Purposely, I kept my drama queen (teacher) off to the side because I wanted her to see my power over the faculty myself. The final scene of my routine involved using a crystal ball. I used it to foretell my future as a stellar stand-up comedian launching my debut in Las Vegas. I was selling “futures” for my undeclared, speculative shows over the next few years at a reduced price. I made $3000 that day from selling promissory notes to my beloved fandom. Secretly, I hoped I would never have to refund it. So after this graduation gig, I decided to get busy right away on my blossoming career.

Oh, the best laid plans! College never was on my radar and Vegas never materialized. Instead, I ended up getting married to my high school sweetheart. I never mentioned her earlier because she was a wisp in the wind (behind the stage curtains) always letting me do my thing. She adored me and I her. But once I said “I do,” my life radically changed. I had to lose my sense of humor and replace it with love. My private audience (my wife) had enough of my jokes and antics. She pleaded with me to stop my incessant tom foolery, even though I wasn’t named Tom. My stand-up comic career was over. I had to find a credible profession and one that would sustain me because I still craved the public’s attention.

Fast forward two years later, and I graduated again. But this time it was a dignified ceremony replete with music and joy and no funny stuff. I know the suspense is killing you! I became a Christian pastor! I still get a captive audience and my adrenaline still pumps, especially when I preach the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Guys, no matter your livelihood it is imperative to honor your wives. Plus, I am really content in my profession because I always have God in my audience and I do not have to work for His approval. His grace is always free.

The same goes for you husbands: Be good husbands to your wives. Honor them, delight in them. (1Peter 3:7a, Message)

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. (Ephesians 2:8-9, NIV)

And occasionally I throw in a joke or two or three…

What’s a pastor’s favorite type of music? Soul music!

Why did the pastor bring a pencil to the sermon?

Because he wanted to draw a crowd!

Why did the pastor love gardening?

He was always planting seeds of faith!

By the way, if you were one of the students at my graduation just send me the promissory stub and I will refund your money after I get the stub minus shipping and handling (smile).

-END-

(1) Overture by Mack David and Jerry Livingston circa 1960

NIV=New Internal Version

Author: Pete Gautchier

Acknowledgement:Reedsy.com prompts