Crowded Mind And Deserted Heart

Crowded Mind And Deserted Heart

Sadness, loneliness and emptiness. This is what I am feeling. This is what I have felt since past year. Since the day when my only family, my love and my only companion, my wife passed away.

These three seem to be my only friend now and are with me wherever I go.

While sitting in this crowded train I wonder how many of these people are as unhappy as I am now? How many of them have the same emptiness in them, which I have? The emptiness that does not even let you breathe properly. I wonder how many of these people sitting here are feeling like their heart is being pierced by each passing second?

I wonder how many of them feel like that this life has no meaning anymore? No matter whatever I think, I know deep down that in this crowded train there is no one like me. There is no one here who also feels that each inhaled breath is just a source of pain.

I look at the people around me. I search for someone who has the same pain in their eyes, but I found none. Some of them seem to be busy in their everyday life while some of them are anxiously waiting to meet their beloved ones after a long time. Their eyes hold a certain excitement and anticipation in them. I am also going to meet my beloved one, but the difference is that they can touch their loved ones and I cannot.

Different families are sitting in this train too. They have happiness filled aura around them. Their happiness could be seen and felt even from a distance. The content feeling and peace in their eyes is quite vibrant. Suddenly, my brain realizes something.

‘Peace’. This is what I am searching for. This is what I want. I wonder when was the last time I felt it. Maybe when I and my wife was celebrating the news of her pregnancy or maybe when we were visiting our small house on the hill near the town last time. I don’t remember, but I know that I never felt peace after her because she was my peace, my everything.

A child sitting on little distance from me catches my attention. The four-year-old is continuously crying, but his father is not paying any heed to him. His loud crying resembles the cries of my heart. His father is busy with his mobile. The child is crying because he only wants attention.

The little child's crying is bringing back memories. The memories I tried to bury deep down in my heart, but seems like I wasn’t successful in doing so. We were going to have a child too, but something went wrong.

He is such an ungrateful man. He has his son, but he prefers his mobile over his son. The only thing I feel for him is pity. God has blessed with a child and he doesn’t even value this blessing. If Rina and my child were alive then we would have raised our child so well. We would have given him our attention and the love he needed. We would have filled his every wish. If only she was alive, my heart would not have been devastated.

There is no point of thinking about this anymore because it’s not possible now. Thinking about it will only give me more pain.

Today, after one year of this deep loneliness and sadness I have gained courage. I had braced myself to accept the reality. The reality that Rina is not with me anymore. This reality is like a horrendous dream.

Holding the bouquet of Gardenia (flower) in my hands my fingers pass over their soft and velvety texture. White in colour they seem to be the most beautiful flowers. Gardenia. She loved these. She loved these so much that she had decorated our entire garden with these. Every morning she used to pluck fresh flowers from our garden. She used to place them in kitchen so that their fragrance fills our home.

My Rina's sweet memories. Today I am visiting Rina's grave after one year. I haven’t visited her grave since the day I buried her. I was not ready to accept the truth that she is dead. The pain I feel in my heart is so much that I didn’t have the courage to visit her.

She died while being pregnant with our child. She had some certain complications during pregnancy. Doctor told us that everything would be fine. Her heart disease would not be a problem, but she died. How much we waited to hold our little one in our arms, but destiny had other plans. She died in the place where we first met each other and, in the house, which had our beautiful memories.

Our small house on the hill. After her death, she was buried in the graveyard nearby. The train stops. Everyone rushes out of the train. One by one everyone leaves. Gathering the strength, I get up too. Leaving the train, my eyes lands on the surroundings.

Nothing has changed. Everything is the same as it was one year ago. The cotton candy shop, flower shop. Nothing has changed. Rina used to buy cotton candy from that shop whenever we came here. From the hill station I start walking towards the graveyard. I don’t have the heart to visit our home which is only a house now.

My home was with Rina. I know that my every breath there would feel like a burden to me. If only I had also died that day with her. Wouldn’t it have been better?

With a heavy heart and heavy steps, I continue to walk. For one second, I even thought of changing my decision about visiting her today, but still I didn’t back out. I have to do this today.

After walking for quite some time the sad and empty pathways towards the graveyard can be seen. With heavy heart I walk on it. As I am getting nearer to the graveyard, I am feeling like I am getting nearer to Rina. It feels like she is waiting for me. There is her grave.

“In beautiful memory of Rina Anderson.

Born 1997. Died 2020. Age: 23.

I will always love you.”

I sit beside her grave and that is when I feel like Rina is with me. Rina is here. “I miss you. I miss you my love. Please come back”. I just noticed that tears are flowing out of my eyes like a waterfall.

Why did you leave me? Why the God had to be this cruel? These meaningless questions leave my mind.

“I am sorry. I am sorry for not visiting you for a whole year. I didn’t have the courage to.” I say to her and stop as if from somewhere she will answer me. I am still waiting for her to talk to me.

“Look, I have brought your favourite flowers for you. You know Rina, my life is not same anymore. Nothing is same like before. Everything has changed. Our house which used to be our heaven is like a hell for me now. Without you I am nothing.”

After sharing whatever was hidden inside me for one year now, I am feeling as if a heavy weight is lifted from my chest. I can finally breathe properly. I wipe my tears and just as I was about to get up, I see something which took my senses away. Is this real?

I am unable to comprehend what I am feeling. There in a blue dress standing at the end of the hill near the fence, is Rina. She is looking at me with her usual charming smile. Her beautiful long hair is moving with the light wind. Maybe I am hallucinating. I know this is an illusion but this is such a sweet illusion.

Irrespective of it is an illusion or just the game of my mind I walk towards her. The desire to hold her in my arms even if it for just one second makes me run towards her.

I get near her. She extends her hand for me to take. In a second without thinking I take her hand in mine. Her hand is so soft. She looks over the hill at the scenery and then at me with her beautiful smile as if telling me that my life still has purpose. That there is nothing to be sad about.

This is when I woke up. I woke from the dream I was having. I slept while sitting beside her grave. It was all a dream. It was all a dream. She is really dead. The pain and the sadness again engulf me. It was such a sweet dream. This time my heart is in more pain.

Suddenly I remember that she gestured me towards the scenery which can be seen from here. We are quite above the land. I get up and stands exactly where I was standing in my dream. Looking from here the scenery I see takes my breath away. It is such a beautiful scenery. From here whole village is visible. Everything seems to be full of life.

I look back at her grave and then at the scenery. Even this beautiful natural scenery is reminding me of you, Rina. Being with Rina I lost the track of time. It is time for me to head back now. With a heavy I say ‘Goodbye’ to Rina. “Goodbye, Rina. I promise I will try to visit you again soon.”

I walk back towards the hill station without even visiting the house where Rina took her last breath. The train arrives shortly. Everyone rushes inside it. I also get inside and sit besides the window. After a few minutes train starts moving. I look outside the train at the passing villages.

Suddenly I am surprised by the view that I can see from the window. Full of emotions I quickly open the window. The train is now passing by the same scenery that Rina gestured towards in the graveyard. Fast wind is giving me a cooling sensation. As the train is moving on the bridge at height. So, this scenery is looking even more enchanting.

Slowly everything becomes clear in my mind. The dream, her smile. She was looking over at this scenery. She wanted to say that it is not the end of life. She wanted me to sense the beauty of this life. She wanted to me to see how much beautiful everything is around me. She wanted me to move forward in life and to believe that:

"The world is still beautiful"

.