Forever Mine

2 months ago

I ran back inside and up the stairs and grabbed my sunglasses off the kitchen counter. I stopped to make sure I wasn’t forgetting anything else than hurried out the front door to my car.

I pulled my door handle than pulled it again and again. After 4 tries, I knew I was locked out.

I looked through the backseat window, trying to remember where I had put the keys. Annie was happy as a clam sitting in her car seat. She looked through the window at me and her eyes widened a little.

I felt bad, she was scared most likely, granted I did have my face pressed up against the window.

I checked my watch, 4:22. She’s been in the car for about 5 minutes. I saw the keys on the seat next to Annie, but it was no use trying to get her to pick them up, she wouldn’t be able to reach them.

I grabbed my phone out my pocket and started to pace, I didn’t know who to call first, a locksmith would work fast but how fast? I dialed 911 and started to pace as it rang. “911, what’s your emergency?”

“I’m locked out of my car and my 10-month-old is locked inside.”

“Is the car on?”

“No, it’s not running.”

I saw my neighbor come outside and watch.

“Ma'am, will you give me your address, your name, and phone number?” I quickly recited my address phone number and name, my heart pounding out of my chest. “Ok, we’ve sent help, take a couple of deep breaths.” I hadn’t realized until then how little I’d been breathing. “Go grab some blankets or towels and cover the windows to block the sun.” I nodded then said, ”ok.”

I ran inside and grabbed a stack of blankets, then darted back out to the car. I peered through the window. Annie sat there, her eyes closed, but chest moving. I covered all of the windows as best I could, trying to find a way to clip them to the car. I got the blankets to stay and took another deep breath.

“Do you know the time when your child got locked in the car?” The dispatcher asked after I had told her I was done.

“4:17,” I said, I looked at my watch, 4:24

“Now I want you to tell me when the ambulance gets there ok?”

I managed an “mhm” and hoped the woman had heard me. I paced around the driveway for another 30 seconds, before the ambulance and police arrived.

“They’re here,” I told her.

 “Ok, I’m going to hang up now.” And the call ended. The responders jumped out of the ambulance and went right to work. They smashed the window, the glass raining down like a waterfall. I shuddered and gulped back a tear at the sight of Annie limp body as they carried her out of the car and into the ambulance. “Ma'am, are you coming?” One of the police officers asked, I nodded and climbed into the back of the ambulance.

The whole ride to the hospital I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. I paid no attention to anything the operators were doing. She looked so small and helpless.

When we arrived at the hospital they rushed her into a room, and all I could do was stand. Stand there useless and watch.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked over.

My neighbor, Rose had a grim expression, her black her wound up in a messy black bun. "Erin don't beat yourself up," she told me. I started shaking uncontrollably, tears free falling like the waterfall of glass. Rose took a seat and patted to the chair next to her. I sat down shaking my head,

"i-its all my f-fault." I stammered.

Rose pulled me in close, "don't tell your self that," she whispered in her ear.

"This is not your fault." She released me from her grasp the said, "why don't we pray ok?" Her voice low, but there was a hint of hope, so I folded my hands and closed my eyes.

"Heavenly Father, please help these doctors to protect Erin's little girl. Guide her on the path that was paved by you. Help her follow the plan that you have, and please help Erin see that this is all part of your plan and that Annie is in good hands, and will be forever Erin's little girl. Amen." I managed a small smile when Rose looked over at me. We hugged again, and I whispered "thank you" Rose just nodded. The doctor came out soon after that and sat down in the chair on the other side of me. I looked at Rose, but she looked down, trying not to meet eyes.

“Mrs. Dane I’m very sorry to tell you that Annie died today.”

The words rand in my head, Annie died today.

I could feel parts of my heart breaking off and dying with her. My entire world was Annie. So my entire world died. It shattered into billions of tiny shards digging into my chest and my ribs, tearing it apart. I couldn’t move. Annie was forever mine, she was supposed to be with me until I was old, and then she would take care of me the way I was supposed to take care of her.

I had failed my little girl.

I had failed myself.

Now

I looked out my window, the sun glaring at me, as if angry from the last time. Heat rose from the asphalt on the street.

I walked out of my bedroom, and down the stairs. I sat on the couch and turned on the local news. Then moments later turned it off. I wanted to hear nothing about another heatwave.

2 months ago there was a 6-day heatwave. Day 1 lasted forever.

I got up from the couch and went into the kitchen, and made myself a cup of coffee. I looked at the calendar, today would have been her birthday. She would have been one.

I would’ve made her a big cake and invited all her family and friends over, and we would’ve had a big party.

It all felt like a fantasy.

A tear rolled down my cheek. To have lived so little, it feels like there should’ve been more. Like I took a wrong turn, should’ve known something I didn’t.

I should’ve known not to leave the keys so close to a baby.

Every day I woke up, hoping it was a bad dream.

Every night, picking out each star and making the same wish over and over, to go back and do something different.

Praying before each meal, for the Lord to have mercy and help me understand what I didn’t do right. Why I had done so much wrong.

We would’ve had presents and banners, and balloons. She would have worn that goofy smile.

I took a sip of my coffee then left on the counter and made my way back upstairs. To the left of my room was hers. I could never be far away from her before, but now, we were miles apart.

I missed seeing her big brown eyes, and curly brown hair. I remembered when her hair would get in front of her face, and she would make this scrunched up face until someone would move it.

I wished to have more photos. That I could go back and take more. Cherish every last second I had with her.

If I had known that day was her last, I would not have left her side not even for one second. I wouldn’t let her be alone.

I choked back another tear, as I saw her dusty teddy bear, slumped against the side of her crib, sad and lonely.

I gently picked it up and cradled it as if it was a newborn baby. Then threw it back in the crib, choking back even more tears.

I sat on the rocking chair, my father had built for her before she was born.

We would sit in it every night and read a new story to her.

The image of her limp and lifeless body flashed in my head, and tears silently poured down my face. I should’ve known it was hopeless. Unsavable.

I never wanted to think about it.

To see Annie, dead, because of me.

But it always was top of mind. And I hated myself for it, and I don't think I will ever stop hating myself, until the day I die and get to see her again.

I hope deep down in my heart, that her 10-month-old brain, knew how loved she was. I hoped Annie knew, that those pieces of my heart that shattered and chipped away that day were forever hers, that went up to heaven with her, and my heart wouldn't be put back together until the day my soul rose and joined her.

Annie was forever mine.