INDECISION

The day that I met Dean and Nick was one of the best days of my life. I had just had my heart broken by Eric a few weeks ago and I was still at the phase where I thought that love wasn't going to happen. I was feeling unlovable and broken; I didn't believe that someone could love me for me.

At that moment I felt that my heart was breaking over and over again each day when I remembered what I had shared with Eric. He was the last person I had expected to hurt me. It seemed the more you believed and let someone in, the harder you fell.

 For both of them. It was an instant attraction. Dean lowered my inhibitions, I felt so loved around him. The first time we kissed, I remember feeling here was someone who wouldn’t let me break. Nick was more playful, I remember he said he loved me and it took me a while to say it back. I wanted to be cautious because he was friendly with many women, I didn’t know if he was serious about me.

When we kissed, I knew that this was someone that would be important to me. Eventually, I loved them both, in very different ways. What I felt for Dean was a fire consuming me, and for Nick, it was a wave sweeping me away the more I let him in. Both relationships blossomed really fast and even as I tried, I couldn’t keep it slow. It was clear to me that I was in a serious relationship with two men; both of whom were possessive and would not want to share.

It tore me apart as I thought of what I would tell them because I knew that I had to choose. At that point, I knew who I loved more, but that didn't mean that I didn't love the second one. He made me smile as well and he had been through too much. I didn't want to be the one that would hurt him again. So I decided to talk to the one I thought would be more understanding.  

I asked Nick to talk the next day. My intention was to tell him I wanted an open relationship. I told him that I liked someone else as well. I asked if he would be okay with me seeing both of them. I thought he would be understanding since he was a workaholic and we didn't spend a lot of time together. He was hurt by my revelation. He said that he loved me and didn't want to share me with anyone else. I told him we were still starting out and I wanted to explore and see where my feelings went. I was lonely since he didn’t have much time to spare. He grudgingly accepted my terms. To let me explore what he had with Dean.

But alas, luck was not on my side because that very day Dean saw me with Nick and asked me who that was. He was angry to find out that I had someone else and he cut off all ties with me. I felt like I couldn’t breathe each time I saw him and he acted like he didn’t know me. Each time I reached out he sent me really hurtful messages but I felt that I deserved the pain after I hurt him. I kept thinking that maybe if I had told him earlier he would have understood. But another part of me knew he was passionate and possessive. I felt that he wouldn't have understood and so I went along with what he wanted. I left him alone even if it hurt me more than I imagined. The silence broke me each day and I broke into tears at the slightest provocation. It felt like my heart had been ripped out.

Around that time I got closer to Nick because he was there for me. He showed me that the most important thing to him was my happiness. That he understood me more than I expected and he would protect me. He brought me closer to him than I had been even to Dean.

After some time Dean reached out to me asking to talk. He said that he couldn't stop thinking about me and what we had shared and he wanted us to try again. So I said yes because every day without him had been painful. We decided to go slow this time and see where the road took us.

I told Nick that Dean was back in the picture. Neither of them was happy but they agreed to try for me. Both were distant this time around, they didn’t want to get hurt again. Each time I tried to do something for one, the other felt like I didn’t care about him. Balancing the two relationships was really hard.

One day, Nick had had enough and was livid and we had a big fight. He told me that I didn't know what I wanted. And he couldn’t let me lead him on because I couldn’t make a choice. He said he loved me but it was time to put him first. He deserved more and I would never make up my mind about what I wanted.

He decided to end things with me and that hurt me. At that moment I saw more clearly than ever what kind of man he was. He was being strong in spite of having lost the woman he loved before. He was standing up for what he deserved and was willing to let me go if we weren’t on the same page about what a relationship was. He demanded better from me and that showed me that I was being selfish. And my indecision was going to cost me the love of the man I loved.

When he walked away, that was my epiphany. It showed me that I couldn't protect a relationship by not making a choice. Instead, I had to make a choice about what kind of relationship I wanted and who I wanted to be in a relationship with. It wasn't something you could leave up to chance or dreams or luck. And it certainly wasn't something that you could Bounce from option to option hoping never to get hurt. A  true relationship was one where you chose this person in spite of knowing that they might hurt you someday, but you still wanted to be with them anyway.