Heart Break

January 11th,

Dear Diary,

It happened. He broke up for me. Was I suspecting it? Yes, but that does nothing to lessen the pain. Were there issues in the relationship? Yes, but I thought we could work through them and move on. I thought wrong.

It all started when he texted me saying that we needed to talk. So we arranged to meet at one this afternoon at our regular hangout place on campus. About forty minutes before the meetup, he texted me again asking if I could bring his jacket with me. That's when the anxiety kicked in.

I tried not to panic. However, every bad scenario and reason as to why he could want the jacket was playing in my head. I weighed all the possibilities just to make sure I stayed away from the negative. The closer it got to one, the more scared and anxious I became.

Finally, it was time to meet up. I was extremely nervous. We exchange a brief and awkward greeting before sitting down on our usual couch. I handed him the jacket and waited.

Silence covered the room like a thick cloud. I held my hands tightly on my lap as I waited for the inevitable. I glanced to my right to see Zach struggling for words. The pain written on his face was clear and rather overwhelming. I quickly looked away as if I had intruded on an intimate and private moment.

It was a few more minutes of this agonizing silence before he spoke. He went on this slow explanation that he is grateful for the time we had together. He knows that I loved him and he thinks he loves me but he is still trying to figure out what love looks like for him. Because of this, he had determined that I needed a better man who could love me in the way that I needed; a love that he could not provide.

He believed that it was not fair for me to be in a relationship starving for a love that I needed but was unable to receive. So, he broke up with me in the most gentle way possible.

The only good thing that came out of the conversation was that he still wants to be friends with me. It would be possible for us as we only dated for two and a half months. Oh, and he gave me my Christmas present which was a big painted mug.

So now I am in tears as I write this while listening to the lovesick playlist I made while we were dating. I have begun the process of slowly removing things and making changes on my phone and social media.

I hate this. It feels like my heart has been ripped into a million pieces, stomped on, and then burned to ashes. I don't know how I am going to get through this. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to cry myself to sleep.

January 25th,

Dear Diary,

It has been two weeks since the breakup and I am not doing well. I miss texting him all the time like I did before. It felt so wrong not to text him when I wake up, throughout the day, and when I go to bed. I don't even know how he's doing. He looks like he is doing fine but he might not be and I have no way of finding out.

Interactions have not been easy. We have one class together and it is torture knowing he is sitting in the back and is probably watching me most of the time.

The worst about this is eye contact. We always make eye contact at meals and it is so awkward. I hate it! What I hate the most is when he sits at a table where he can see me when I can't see him or when he walks around my end of the table when he could walk a different way that would be easier and faster. But no! He has to go the long way so that he could walk near me.

Zach does things like that that make it harder for me to get over him. It does not help that I am still physically and emotionally attracted to him and that I have strong feelings for him. I am so fed up with it.

February 14th,

Dear Diary,

It is Valentine's Day and guess who wishes they were still dating Zach? Yep, you guessed it, it is me. I was this close to having a valentine this year. It could have been such a romantic day. Instead, I am sad and wanting roses...and chocolate. As much as I love my female friends, I want to be in the arms of a man and to be cherished by him.

Specifically, I want that man to be Zach. I want to go back to our first month of dating when the honeymoon stage was real. I want to experience our first date again. Dancing under the stars for hours sounds wonderful right now. Even something as simple as holding his perfect hands is causing my heart to race.

But, that is not to be. However, I still long for it. I have grown lonely in a sense. I miss having him as another guy I could talk to even when he became my boyfriend. I have very few guy friends and having momentarily lost one is very hard.

I have realized that I have two touch tanks. One is the platonic-female driven one. That one is always full or overflowing because of all the physical touch I get from my girlfriends. Then there is the romantic-male driven one. That one has been low since the second month of Zach and I dating. That was when he was not as attentive to my needs as he was in our first month. I hardly got a physical touch from him and it was really low when we returned to school. It never got full because he broke up with me shortly after and it has been dangerously low ever since. I know that it will not be filled until I get into another relationship. Who knows how long that will be. So, I am screwed.

March 3rd,

Dear Diary,

I think I am finally getting over this. Things have been less awkward between Zach and I. We have not talked to each other a lot recently but we are on the right path. I have a feeling that we will be able to talk like we used to soon. That could be me being too optimistic but hey, let a girl dream.

As I look back on previous diary entries, I can see the progress I have made. Has it been hard? Yes, some moments have been easier than others. I see the growth I have gone through and I am proud of myself for struggling through this. Heartbreaks are never easy but they are lessons one can learn from them. And I intend to treat this relationship and breakup as a lesson. I know what I need and what I don't need. I have a better understanding of myself and that will influence the next relationship.

I will never take the time shared with Zach for granted. In fact, I am grateful for them because he was able to show me that I am capable of having a relationship. He gave me a chance in which I did not think I had one. I am thankful for that.

March 19th,

Dear Diary,

I can proudly say that I am free. Like a bird released from its cage, I have been released from the pain that was the breakup. I can look to the future with hope and gratitude. Zach and I might not be together anymore but that is okay. We were supposed to date each other for a season. Now we are free to find the best person that we each need. Thanks to the breakup, I see that now. So, here I go flying into the breeze of life.