The Art of Being Human

Noah sighed, he sat at the table with his head resting in his left hand while he absentmindedly stirred his tea and watched the swirls of liquid follow his spoon. He sighed again. He did not want to go to the staff mixer tomorrow. But it was mandatory. The mixer happened every time a fresh group of interns came in so that they could meet the people they would be working with. It made interacting and asking for help a lot easier for the newcomers when they started work. Noah took his tea to the sink, dumped it out, then washed his cup.

It’s not that he didn’t want the tea, it’s that he wasn’t capable of eating and drinking. But he learned to do human type of activities to try to fit in. After that, he returned to his computer and began to pretend he was working. He wasn’t a slacker. It’s just that being an android he was able to get his work done in half the time as his human co-workers. Everyone knew that he generally got his work done early but he didn’t want to advertise it because that would cause problems.

What would happen is that management would start giving him more work to do. If there wasn’t any, he would be sent to help someone that was having difficulty. That was the worst. He would solve a problem in 15 minutes that a person had been struggling with for three days.

This did not win him friends and he wanted to fit in. They knew he was an android but if he acted human enough, they would overlook it and that made his work life a lot less stressful.

If there was nothing available for him to do, he would be directed to take someone’s computer and go through and look for trojans, viruses, malware, duplicate or obsolete programs and files and any type of correspondence was to be checked for grammatical and spelling errors. He also set up the computer to run smoother, faster, and more efficiently. His co-workers really loved that, but it was not the first thing he would be assigned to do when he ran out of work.

Once again, it’s not that he was lazy or didn’t want to do it. It was that a law had been passed that listed androids as sentient beings and were now to be treated as a human. One thing included in this law was that the accomplishments made by androids were to be recognized and rewarded. The outcome was that recognition, pay bumps, bonuses, and promotions were mainly given to androids. He had tried turning them down and had asked his supervisors to not consider him. But their hands were tied, by law they had to do it.

Which is when the problems would begin.

It created a hostile work environment as human co-workers would be angry and resentful. He tried apologizing once but that made things worse. It was not the humans’ fault that they could not compete with androids. They were working with the deficit of having brains and androids had a computer capable of processing large amounts of information at a rate that rivaled the speed of light and the ability to retain a copious amount of information that they could recall faster than one could blink an eye.

In other words, the humans did not stand a chance.  

He found this highly unfair and it got so bad at his last job that he asked to be transferred. Now he was trying his best to not be noticed. So far all was going pretty well, but he hated the mixers. He did not have the programming to do small talk, chit-chat, light talk, or make casual conversation. This was the one thing he was horrible at.

And of course, there were no rewards given for the most social .

The one bright spot was that as of yet, androids have never been promoted to a CEO, a director position, or made president of a company.  Which meant that humans were jumped over androids to get to these positions. This was against the law but since no one complained about it, it was not a problem. But it also didn’t help.

So, like Noah, many of them did their best to not do their best.

Truth be told he, and all other androids, were not really interested in this ritual and wished they could be left out altogether, they did not require the ego stroking or the monetary compensation. Their needs were much less than humans. They mainly worked to have something to do and to be part of a community.

That’s where it all fell down. They couldn’t blend in with the human community as they didn’t understand or were only marginally successful at the mores of human social interactions.

They tried getting together without the humans, but they did not have a clue of what to talk about, had no interest in gossip, and, like Noah, did not know how to make small talk. So, they all just ended up sitting around and staring at each other. Their get togethers soon went the way of the Dodo.

Some androids had taken menial jobs and were able to hide the fact that they were androids. They would pass off their inability to socialize properly as being an introvert. Noah considered doing this but hadn’t decided if he would or not.

When Noah returned to his desk, he began working on the P vs NP math problem. He had been at it for a while when he felt a light tap on his shoulder. He turned and no one was there. Then he heard a giggle, he looked over his other shoulder. It was Vona. She was smiling. “Hello” she chirped out. To him her voice reminded him of sunshine. “Do you want to go swirl tea together?” He smiled. She had seen him doing this and one day just joined him. Since then, she would pop by unannounced and on random days and times to ask if they could swirl tea together. He tried anticipating what days she would visit but no matter what algorithm he used he never could. This puzzled him.

They would converse on a variety of subjects. She would ask him questions and he would answer her. She would ask questions pertaining to his answers and make her own statements on the subject at hand. Noah would make remarks on her observations. He recognized this as chit-chat and wondered why he could do this with her and not others.

He had thought to ask her out, it was the human thing to do. But he wasn’t human. He was afraid if he did, the work time conversations would cease because she would come to the realization he could only offer so much. And listening in on his male co-worker’s conversations, women appeared to have this thing called expectations. And Noah didn’t think he could meet that challenge. So, he happily took what little time they spent together and replayed the conversations in his head when he went home.

He stood up and grabbed two tea bags out of his tea tin. They headed for the break room. They sat and twirled their tea and talked. Then something happened that Noah never anticipated. Just like that, she asked if he would go the Roman art exhibit at the museum with her after work. Just as casually as if she were telling him that the sky was blue or that the grass was green.

She was relatively new and perhaps she did not know he was an android. Should he tell her? Or should he just say, ‘No thank you but thank you for asking.’ He thought about it and decided that the exhibit would give him lots of topics to converse about. And it would be nice to have a memory of her that was not tied to work. So, he said yes. She seemed pleased. They talked some more then dumped their tea and went back to their station.

At home after work, Noah looked over his wardrobe and selected something to wear. He went to her home where she lived with her father. He was older and could not live alone anymore. Vona introduced him and then they left. He had a wonderful time. He had Googled what was going to be at the exhibit then read all he could on Roman art. Which was all of it. He hoped that she would come to the realization on her own that he was an android without him having to tell her. Instead, she just complimented him on his knowledge.

Then she asked if they could go to the mixer together. Surprise number 2. He smiled and without thinking said yes.

The next day they went for a walk after work and then returned for the mixer. She made small talk and he just followed her around smiling. Afterwards he took her home and she asked him in. He asked about her father and she told him he was staying at the hospital for a few days for some routine tests, so they didn’t have to worry about waking him.

They talked some more on the couch, then during a pause, she leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. That was the third time she had surprised him in less than two days. He almost began to panic, (he had never been in this situation, he did not know how to respond, and his circuits were zipping around trying to figure out the appropriate response without being inappropriate.) but the panic was overridden by the thought of how soft and warm her lips are.

She thanked him for a nice time and went on about how happy she was to have met him. Noah thought about all the talk he had heard about a woman’s expectations, it seemed as if it was a hard task to accomplish. But here he is, an android, listening to a woman tell him how happy she is that she is with him. These expectations really didn’t seem to be as elusive as he was led to believe.

He also knew that he needed to tell her he was an android. Otherwise, he would be stringing her along. That was another term he had heard in the break room, but this time from the women. And it appeared to be a hurtful thing to do.

So, he took her hands in his, leaned forward and told her how much he enjoyed all their talks and their outings, but he felt that she needed to know he was an android. Then he leaned back and waited for her reaction.

And she surprised him again. She laughed. That glorious laugh. It was like music to him. It always made him smile.  

Then she blew him completely out of the water. She said “I know. I wasn’t sure so that’s why I wanted to go to the museum with you. If your knowledge of the Roman Arts was extensive then I would be sure. But when you pretty much quoted Gaius Plinius Secundus almost to the letter. I knew within a shadow of a doubt that you were.” He sat up and looked at her, He asked, “How do you know I was quoting Gaius Plinius Secundus?” “Think about it silly.”  

He did. Then his eyes got wide and he broke into a smile. “You’re an android also.” She just laughed. He asked her if anyone knew. She shook her head no. “But your father. Who is he?” She smiled again and answered “My father. He created me. My name in Icelandic means hope. I am programmed not only to learn but to assimilate the ability to socialize and have empathy. You are on the cusp of being able to do this also. That is why I have the laugh I have. An android that does not have the ability to appreciate the musical tones programed into my laugh would not react. You however always smiled.” She went on. “Because of that, we believe that you can, with help, you can achieve two important steps towards becoming indistinguishable from a human. Which is having empathy and the ability to socialize.”

Noah smiled and felt as if he was free. He had found what was missing in his life. A chance to belong, a chance at happiness and someone to share his life with and what is more human than that?