I planned on leaving the first thing in the morning. The whole situation, it felt like I was inside of one those melodramas that fill the afternoon slot in the television. I had never been in a situation like this, so degrading that left me doubting my ability to think and act as an adult being.
I now look out the window, heavy snow has been falling all night and now it spawns through the morning. I dread the time Lisa will came down and we will have to play the civilized game until one of us is able to leave this chalet.
For now, there is a peace mist in the air, I must admit is a beautiful view from this cabin, my grandfather certainly wouldn’t know that when he won this piece of land from a card game years ago. The small amount of money he had at the time was just enough to build this small a-frame, even that he counted on the help of a few good buddies to get the thing of the ground. There is a nice tale the think of, specially to think that a bit after he asked my grandmother to marry him here, and my father did the same with my mother.
My grandfather used to say, it was a lucky charm that produced long lasting and happy marriages. I felt for that. And just a few hours ago I drove into this chalet with a ring on the pocket of my coat, hoping to get some of the same luck.
I dread the time Lisa will come down those stairs and we will have to act civil.
"All this damn snow!"
Still crossed because I waked up super early with all this light coming through the glass. Why did I had to be the bigger man and let her sleep in the bed?! I would be warm now, and probably wouldn’t come down till tomorrow.
This is the worst day, the worst day after the worst night. All I had to comfort me was an uncomfortable couch and now terrible coffee, because if there’s one thing that I cannot get it right is coffee. Apparently, there is more. What does she said that I was not present in the relationship, that she felt…? What?! Huh… suffocated?! And that I was... possessive?! Clingy?! or something else more ridicule.
I was now the one that has been rejected and cheated on. There is some good luck. But I liked here, it was the place of my fondest memories. I will never come back and find it beautiful, there will be always a shadow, a spill of black ink in my colorful memories. Those things should be forbidden, destroy all the nostalgic and love a person has for a place, leaving it feeling worthless and used loke this.
I was ready to forgive and forget. Imagine that. I was still on my knees, and she told me she met someone, but nothing happened. I was lost inside, my body was there kneeled, my mind was somewhere else, lost and something banging in my head: - Lucky Charm. Lucky Charm. Lucky Charm. Maybe this was an opportunity to start anew. Sure! Things weren’t as right as they were in the beginning, but it was us, it was still Lisa, my Lisa. I remember the first time I saw her, and everything else was a blur. My eyes would keep looking at her, and when they weren’t I was in despair. It afflicted me, what was her hair like and her eyes, how does she walk.
All the time she wasn’t with me there was agony. I needed to see her and touch her, to convince my mind that she existed and was real, not something my mind created. I was now relinquished in the couch, my whole-body tingling from the cold and with the eyes heavy and burning from an all-nighter. I should run away, brave through the snow and leave that chalet behind. I think I can make it somewhere, and someone might help me, that I’ll do, or maybe I should eat something first. Yes! I should cut a piece of bread and then…
I make the short walk to the kitchen, with my bad coffee, just a few slices of bread and I will make it a good sandwich to guide me through the storm. Without making too much of a mess or noise, Lisa doesn’t like when I make a mess, she’s just can’t stand me sometimes. But yes, some sandwiches and the bad coffee.
I pick up a knife, sharp and shinning knife, then the bread. What should I put in the bread? Some jelly is fine, or some butter like the French do. Who was it?! Someone from work? Lisa is leaving me, because she started to talk with someone from work. And there is no lucky in this chalet.
I dropped a bowl and a glass, but it is not messy, I have all the time, Lisa won’t come down just yet, no need to be frantic. I can make the sandwiches, pick some of the bad coffee and leave before Lisa comes down. Maybe this was too big of a knife, I can spread the jelly, but the slices… I am sawing the bread; I should slice it. The knife is ripping the bread, and making a mess with the red jelly, I should pick up a different knife, but I can’t my vision is blurred, and my tears are dripping on the bread and making a mess, with the red jelly all over, just because someone from work…
But why? Why should I leave my grandfathers chalet? The very own where my grandfather built after winning the land on a card game. The one where he asked my grandmother to marry him, and the one she found him dead with a shot in the head by his own gun. And the one my father asked my mother to marry him, and the one he caught her with his mistress, the one I spent days with him after the divorce mess, if only he would forgive her, she would stay, and not someone from work... If only... And now I want to leave Lisa here? Nobody leaves this chalet happy and married, there, right there is our lucky charm.
Now, I hold the sharp-shinning knife on my right hand, the same hand of the ring pocket, and now, just now, I hear Lisa coming down the stairs. Here she comes, to my right hand, with my sharp knife that rips bread apart, I walk towards her, to act civilized and happy, and married and now I know what I must do, I must act civilized and happy, just like my grandfather, I must like my father un-happy and un-married… until the snow melts…
“What are you doing?” – I walk towards Lisa, because I need to know what her hair is like…
… just until the snow stops…
… I must…