A Coward's Way Out.

I should never have agreed to this date. Truth is, I should never have agreed to the last few dates. I should have cancelled them all. I should have told him the truth a long time ago, but I am a coward.

I stare down at the ring.

“Oh Liam, it’s beautiful.”

I choke on the words, emotion clasping a vice like grip around my throat. Tears prick my eyes; not tears of happiness as Liam thinks, but tears of sadness, of regret. I can’t say yes but I don’t know how to say no either. 

I love Liam, I truly do, but I’m not in love with him. I do care for him a great deal though, which is why I haven’t been able to find the right words to finish things with him. Hurting him is the last thing I want to do. Of course I know, deep down, that the more I put it off, the more pain I will eventually cause, but I never believed it would come to this.  

Liam takes my hand and starts slipping the ring onto my finger. It’s beautiful; at least I’m not lying about that. The ring itself is made from rose gold. Instead of a solitary diamond, the ring is layered with tiny rose gold leaves encrusted with diamonds and shaped like a rose. 

“A rose for a Rose,” he smiles as he nudges the ring over my knuckle. 

He finally gets up from his knee and leans forward to plant a kiss on my lips. I want to recoil. I can’t do this.

No. 

I want to yell it and run from the restaurant. I almost do until I realise people are clapping around us. The maitre d’ comes over, a silver bucket in his hands, a bottle of champagne inside. I’m not sure if it’s on the house or if Liam has arranged it in advance. 

“Congratulations,” he says, placing the bucket into the stand by our table.

Liam pulls a chair out for me to sit down. He smiles at me, his face full of love. Doesn’t he realise I haven’t said yes yet?

Liam sits down opposite me, reaches across the table for my hand.

“You’ve made me the happiest man alive.”

I want to hold my head in shame but I force myself to look him in the eye and smile as if he has made me the happiest woman alive. I’m spared from uttering more lies as a waiter comes over with the menu and even more congratulations.

I want to scream and shout at him to stop offering congratulations. Instead I plaster that fixed smile onto my face reassuring everyone that everything is fine, that I am just as happy as Liam.

I try to read the menu but the words all blur into one. I’m not hungry. I don’t want to eat.

 I can feel eyes on me. Liam’s? I look up but his eyes are focused on the menu. My eyes wander around the restaurant and am greeted with warm smiles from strangers and more silently mouthed congratulations. Surely they realise I haven’t said yes. I feel like a fraud. As if I’ve been caught in a member’s only club without a membership.

I put the menu down, not really sure what to order. Liam is looking at me, a slight frown on his face. This is it. He knows what I am thinking. I can see the pain in his eyes.

You should have ended this months ago Rose, then you wouldn’t be in this mess.

“Rose, are you all right. This is what you want?”

“Yes, of course.”

No no no, Rose. That is not the words you were meant to say. That was your perfect opportunity and you blew it. You could have suggested waiting a while, breaking the news gently but no, you just went and lied to him. Again.

Liam squeezed my hand gently.

“It’s only you seem quiet. Unsure.”

“I’m just a bit taken aback by it all. I really wasn’t expecting this.”

That much at least was true. 

I need some space, some time to collect my thoughts. To fix the fake smile into place. I get up from the chair. Liam immediately pushes his chair back and stands too.

Such the gentleman. Why can’t I love him like he loves me?

“I’m just going to powder my nose.” 

To my ears my voice sounds strained, forced. I hurry towards the ladies room before he can question me.

As soon as I get inside I take my phone out and call Lisa.

“Hi,” she chirps.

“Liam just proposed to me,”

“That’s brilliant.” Lisa’s squeal of delight is like that of a giddy sixteen year old, not a sensible, twenty-six year old mother of two. I can visualise her jumping up and down, flapping her arms around erratically. If I’d been there in person no doubt those arms would throw themselves around me and we’d be bouncing up and down together.

“Isn’t it?” She’s calmer now, quieter; less sure of herself, of me.

“Rose, you did say yes didn’t you?”

More silence.

“You didn’t. Rose why? He’s handsome, rich, kind, funny. He’s perfect.”

“I don’t love him.”

“Oh. How long have you known.”

I let my silence answer for me.

“Oh, Rose. Why haven’t you told him before?”

“I don’t know. I don’t want to hurt him.”

“The longer you leave it, the more you will hurt him…but then you don’t need me to tell you that.”

“No.”

“I thought you two were so happy together.”

“We were.  Are.  I enjoy being with him,”

“But?”

“Being with him is like being with you. We have good fun together. He makes me laugh, makes me feel good about myself…”

“Again I ask. But?”

“I don’t get intimate with you do I. We don’t snuggle up together in front of log fires and…”

“Oh god Rose. Is he rough? Kinky? Does he…?”

“No,” I snap into the phone. “Nothing like that. It’s just…it’s like getting intimate with my brother.”

I exchange a few more words with Lisa. She tells me what I must do. Even gives me a solution. Not ideal, but the best in the circumstances. The twenty-six year old I know, and love, and trust, and would share my guiltiest secret with is back. A part of me wishes she had stayed in giddy sixteen year old mode, and not offered such good honest practical advice. 

I head back to the table knowing she is right but still arguing with myself she isn’t. Still telling myself there must be another option.

Throughout dinner I barely hear a word Liam says. I manage to nod in the right places and comment appropriately but my head is whirring. 

Would it be so bad to live a loveless marriage? It wouldn’t be completely loveless.  I know how deeply Liam loves me. Could it be possible he has enough love for the two of us?

I could suggest a wedding date two, maybe three years away. Put off any plans he wants to make and let us drift apart slowly so it doesn’t hurt as much.

I could fake my own disappearance, change my name, move to another part of the country. 

These thoughts, these crazy ideas, spin around inside my head like fallen leaves on a breezy day. All because I’m a coward. A selfish coward at that. Part of me doesn’t want to say no because if I say no, I know I’ll probably never see him again and I don’t want that. I’d miss his company.

The waiter comes over and takes our dessert order. As he walks away a couple walk by just behind him, on their way out. The lady stops by our table. 

“Congratulations.”

“Thank you,” Liam replies. He takes my hand “I’m a very lucky man.”

I watch the couple for a minute as they head for the door. When I look back at Liam my heart melts. His face is full of happiness and adoration.

I can’t do this.

He stands up, lifts my hands to his lips and kisses it.

 “Won’t be a tick.”

I watch him head towards the toilets. It’s now or never. I have to decide. Loveless marriage or the truth. I take a deep breath and reach for my handbag. I take out a pen. I take an unused napkin from the table. On it I write the word ‘sorry.’ I put it on Liam’s placemat. Then I take off the ring, the beautiful ring. I stop for a moment with it at the end of my finger. I don’t have to do this.

Yes you do, a voice inside my head yells at me.

So I put the ring on the napkin and stand up. I take a step towards the exit and stop. Look back at the napkin. I can’t help myself. I bend over and add a little X to it. Is it rubbing salt into the wound? Maybe. I hold my head up determinedly. Without another glance back I walk to the door and leave. 

Lisa is waiting for me in the car park. I climb in. As she drives away the damn bursts and great heaving sobs erupt from somewhere deep inside me. 

“You’ve done the right thing,” Lisa says, handing me a packet of tissues.