Happy Holidays

December 25th, 2004

Sandra did her best to force a smile as she pulled out a glittery doll from the box. Wow, another princess toy. Exactly what she didn’t ask for. She petted the doll’s hair and hugged it close, giving her cheesiest grin. At least her dad seemed happy.

He always bought her these girly toys. She knew he was trying his best, but she didn’t want dolls like the other girls. She begged and begged for a Power Ranger every time they passed one in Walmart. How did he not know? She wanted to cry, she thought about all the boys who would be morphin’ their Power Rangers around the tree, and she had a doll.

John saw Sandy’s excitement as she pulled the doll out. She started to play with it immediately. He couldn’t help but smile himself. He knew she’d love it. She was only six so, of course, she had that little tomboy phase. She wanted to watch the boy shows and wanted the boy toys, but deep down every girl wanted a princess. It was his job to make sure he raised her right.

It wasn’t easy since her mother died. He wasn’t ready to be a single parent. Who is? She was all he had left, so he wanted to give her everything he could. He didn’t want her to feel like she couldn’t be a little girl just because she lived with Daddy. He wanted her life to be like the other little girls, normal and happy.

“Do you like it, Sandy?” He asked, already knowing the answer.

“I love it, Daddy!” She said, forcing her smile to be bigger. “It’s just what I wanted.”

December 25th, 2009

She felt about ready to puke as her dad held the ruffled, pink dress up to her. It was bad enough he got this stuff when she was little, but now? She couldn’t wear this out of the house. Even if it didn’t make her sick to her stomach she wouldn’t do it. The kids at school already thought she was weird enough without the frilly clothes. Did he really not understand how old she was now?

Baseball. Mitt. Was it so hard? She’d started playing with some of the boys after school and she loved the game. She knew baseball was for boys, but there was still softball, right? Could her Dad at least let her do that? Why did she always need to be covered in frills and pink to be considered “girly?” What was wrong with being herself?

She smiled, but just barely. He knew it, she was too old for this dress. He knew she was, he knew it as soon as he saw it, but he couldn’t help himself. She was growing too fast. All he wanted was to have his little girl for another year or two. He knew this was a lie though. He wanted to keep her forever. The little girl that always smiled in ribbons and lace. She didn’t smile like she used to.

He wasn’t sure when he first noticed, but once he realized he couldn’t help seeing it everywhere. She almost never smiled anymore, and the times she did she looked tired. He knew she was reaching that “difficult age,” maybe that was a part of it. All he knew was that she wasn’t the same smiling little girl he used to know, and he wanted her back

“Now that I see it, the dress looks a little young for you, doesn’t it?” He mumbled. “Don’t worry, Daddy has the receipt. What would you like instead, Sandy?”

“A baseball mitt!” She cried excitedly before pulling back her enthusiasm. “You know, to join the softball team with some of my friends.”

Well, it wasn’t his first choice for her, but at least she was happy. He wondered why her brief smile seemed so big over something so small.

December 25th, 2014

“Sandy, please put the phone down. It’s Christmas,” John begged.

“Andy.”

“What?” He asked.

“Andy, not Sandy. I’ve asked you at least a hundred times to stop calling me that!” She shouted angrily, before going back to her phone.

He stayed silent after that. Good. Andy looked back at her phone. She smiled a little as Kim replied to her. Kim understood, Kim never made her pretend. She glanced at her father, he was sipping his morning coffee in silence. Maybe it was generalized teenage angst, but this was the last place she wanted to be today. The girly gifts, the phony smiles. She just didn’t have the energy anymore.

Her phone pinged with Kim’s message.

Kim: So what did he get you this year?

Andy: A makeup palette and some kind of perfume…

Kim: Jesus, have you ever even worn makeup before?

Andy: No! That’s why I’m pissed!

She really was. As soon as she opened the box and saw the makeup her blood started boiling. Kim knew. They’d only been dating a few months and she still knew Andy never wore makeup. She didn’t know what her dad was thinking. Was he trying to change her, or was he really that stupid?

John stared at his reflection in his coffee. He didn’t know what to do anymore. He glanced at her sitting on the phone, smiling. The first real smile he’d seen in a while. Was it a boy? Probably, she was at that age. Age or not he couldn’t help feeling hurt. Yeah, he knew she asked to be called Andy now, but why did it matter? She was still his Sandy, his little girl. She would always be that to him. Besides, he hated that name. Andy. It made her sound like a boy. 

He thought the makeup would be a good idea. Her mother was always happy to get makeup and perfume. Sandy wasn’t her mother though. He realized that a little too late. He thought her tomboy thing would be a phase, but between the softball, the baggy clothes, and her lack of interest in dating he knew that wasn’t the case. 

“Hey, how about I crack open a thing of cinnamon rolls and we put on Home Alone?” He said cheerfully, trying to gain her interest.

“Okay, sounds fun,” she said boredly. 

She felt a little guilty, but she wasn't being mean on purpose. She wasn’t a kid anymore. She just didn’t have the energy to fake it like she used to.

He could tell she was forcing it, but he didn’t know what else to do. Somewhere along the line a gap formed between them. He wanted to fix it, to make things better, but he didn’t know where to start. He didn’t even know who she was anymore.

December 25th, 2019

“It’s Christmas! What do you mean you’re not coming?!” He shouted into the phone.

Some part of him knew this was coming. Ever since she went off to college things had changed. Whatever small connection they still had by her living at home slowly disappeared when she moved. She was answering her phone less and less, she barely messaged, and it took her forever to respond to him when she did. 

“Dad, I have my own life now. A house, a job, and a girlfriend,” she sighed. “I’m sorry, but I’d much rather spend time with her actually enjoying my holiday, than forcing smiles for whatever gift you thought I might enjoy.”

She didn’t want to be mean to him, she wanted to be honest. The truth was she didn’t like going back to his place anymore. She tried, she tried so hard, but after last year it seemed pointless. She told him, directly, that she wanted a hoodie. Nothing fancy, nothing expensive, nothing hard to get. If he spent ten bucks on one at Walmart she would have been thrilled, but he didn’t. 

She opened her present to see some kind of designer sweater inside. His reason? He thought she’d look cuter in it than some baggy hoodie. Kim just shook her head when she saw. Kim’s gift? New softball cleats. Nothing frilly, nothing fancy, only functional. It was exactly what she wanted and she didn’t have to say a word to Kim. Christmas last year told her everything she needed to know about where she belonged.

“You’re going to leave me alone on Christmas?” He asked sadly.

He wasn’t trying to make her feel guilty, but he was looking forward to seeing her. She never came home anymore. She never talked to him. He was the last person to find out she was gay. The mailman told him. He dropped off a package for her girlfriend saying they weren’t home and he thought it was safer to leave it at John's. It was a complete shock.

He didn’t care if she was gay, as long as she was happy, but why couldn’t she be happy around him? He saw the way she smiled at Kim, the way they laughed together, the way her face fell when she got his gift but lit up with hers. He wanted to be able to see her happy like that.

“Dad, what do you want from me?” She asked with a sigh.

“I want my little girl back,” he muttered.

It was the truth. He longed for the times when she was his little girl. Her real laughs, her real smiles. The time when she actually wanted  to be around him. The times they were both happy.

“Well, I’m not a little girl anymore,” she said simply.

Andy let out a sigh as she hung up the phone. It was painful to tell him, but it felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. Kim gave her a sympathetic smile and patted the couch. Andy snuggled up next to her and sipped at her cocoa. This was what real happiness was.

The dial tone that filled the air might as well have been a flatline for his heart. She was right. She wasn’t a little girl anymore. He didn’t know who she was anymore, but he knew that was his fault. 

She tried to tell him, dozens of times, but he never listened. He thought back to all the holidays before this. The requests for robots and baseballs that he ignored. Year after year of putting her wants second to his. The truth was, he was always getting her what he wanted, he never once thought about her. 

John sighed and hung up the phone. He glanced around the empty house. A fire crackling, her present under the tree. A necklace. She didn’t wear jewelry. He grabbed it and tossed it into the fire. This year her present would be his absence. It was the one thing she told him she wanted, and this year, he was going to give it to her.