The Request

“Hear me, oh master, as we submit to your will for our meager and groveling desires! We beg and ask you to feel our souls as they bend and call to you, oh master, for your mercy and favor upon us now!

“We beg you to hear the thoughts of us all: Kevin, Robert, Dave with the Beard, Dave without the Beard, Steve and Stephen, Roger, and…yes, my little brother, Brian.

“We have brought ourselves to this place on this very cold and difficult day to ask you for your assistance oh master…and please respond pretty quickly because my brother is driving me crazy and the others don’t have the nerve to actually ask for help.

“We seek your assistance…to meet girls. Yes, my master, we submit to you and hope to seek your favor to have the females of our neighbourhood submit to our will! Don’t tell anyone that the first one to have any success with girls has been my little brother because that would work against us and our desires. Besides, it was only one time when he got a kiss from someone in his class on a dare. She really did not like him, but he keeps talking about it… Don’t tell anyone…

“Yes, I have been asked by Kevin and Dave with the beard to say that they do have girlfriends, but they are unhappy females who will not go to first base with them until they are actually serious about what the relationship is all about. No information has been shared to explain what that may actually mean. I suggested a ring, but Dave without a beard, and Steve and Stephen think that this might be going too far for…

“Oh master, I have been told not to use their names – Brian wants me to put it into my supplication – and that this is not relevant if we do have your favor in these matters. From our deep study of the material, we know that you do show your touch upon those who are willing and aware to sacrifice what we love to gain your respect. I still think it would make more sense to use our full names, but some people are too frightened of your power to be that willing. So, we will instead make our offerings to you.

“We have brought you the following as our sacrifice to you: My watch, given to me as a gift for my sixteenth birthday and linked with the promise that this was one that my grandfather wore for many years and wanted me to have. I never wear it, but it is a potent sacrifice...

“Dave with the Beard has offered you all of his comic books. He has been collecting them with Dave without a Beard since he was merely a child. They are both willing to give it up now, and it has nothing to do with the information they have provided this evening about their move to a new place and their lack of space. They are also not related, although it seems sometimes that they could be brothers, despite the difference between hair colour and attitudes toward life. I will continue…

“Kevin has a very nice guitar that he no longer plays, a Rickenbacker with twelve strings. I have offered to buy it from him at a reasonable rate (a discount should be considered), but he has chosen to carry it all this way and provide for you, oh master. Please accept his misguided offer. Seriously, I can play and if he would just give me a chance, I could prove it…

“Steve and Stephen have… I must admit that they are family. Not brothers, oh master, but cousins far removed from different parts of the family and living in the same neighbourhood. Yes, it has caused some confusion among us, but also some amusement. Their offering, oh master, is to…have a change of name. They have not yet decided which of them should make the sacrifice and have a new appellation, but they are making the inquiries needed to find out how it shall be done. I do not think this is the greatest sacrifice possible, but their minds are made up…I think.

“Robert has remained silent, oh master, and we are beginning to wonder if he is really into this. His appearance betrays an interest in sports more than obedience to you and your powerful essence. We have asked what he would like to contribute to achieve our wishes – all of our wishes – and he has made a sneer and tossed in a baseball into the ring. It is cold, so we know that this was a special ball that came at the end of the season, but I still feel that this is a grave insult. His response of ‘take it or leave it’ is no reflection upon your majestic power, but please accept that this is coming solely from his arrogant soul and should be treated accordingly…

“Roger has brought his savings bonds. We told him that his sacrifice should not be so obvious, but he is adamant that they will mature soon and that even those in your particular plain, oh master, should appreciate the money. So, his offering is made…although I think that he may have other investments that are much more liquid that he is not willing to share with us. He just needs to trust us once…

“Finally, my little brother wants to sacrifice…me. I feel that this would be quite pointless and silly. I also feel that I should inform our mother of this nonsense, but he has already threatened to expose our group to our parents, and I fear that I must allow him to do this. I would be honored to sacrifice myself, but I would like to be clear that this is done simply out of spite by him. The choice is yours…

“And seriously, oh master, don't listen to my little brother. He won’t really appreciate all that can be offered to a lost soul. He's spoiled enough as it is...

“Here endeth our request...''