Generations of the Soul

I am an addict in recovery who mothered three children I love very much. I have two daughters, ages nine and five, and one son, age eight. My children are being adopted as a decision I made to give us all the life GOD intended for us to have. Prior to this decision, I could see the characteristics I possessed being heavily displayed in my children frequently. These characteristics include but are not limited to anger, sadness, and intelligence.

Terror overwhelmed when the anger reared it's ugly head in my children. All three of my children displayed this trait with a great force. In my experience, all during my life anger took over my life in many instances, clouded my judgment, forced me to make irrational decisions, and in the end left my life completely unmanageable. I would later learn during an anger phase my frontal cortex was blocked, and I didn't possess the ability to make a sound decision or judgment. I only chose to use and become addicted during these times, and for a long time. I fear my children won't know how to cope or place this great anger that I see them displaying and possessing, and that they'll use too. Terror creeps upon me during these times.

Other times I experienced seeing grand moments and glimmers of sadness exhibited in my children's emotions. Sadness was mainly shown in my youngest daughter's life moments. I had been absent frequently, and sometimes wondered if I contributed to this factor. The other two children showed moments that I could relate to as sadness as well. I know what it's like growing up with this sadness in your heart. Sometimes, sadness for no reason, and sadness for no reason brings fear and terror to my soul , because I covered up this pain with the most lethal substances in the world. I experienced great hurt like a fresh wound leaking blood, especially when we were separated. I fear that my children will inherit the gene of addiction I possess as I have learned it can sometimes be inherited generationally.

The best times in between I watched my children portray a trait we share in-depth, INTELLIGENCE! In my children's speaking, writing , drawing, playing, memory, loving, and even in their joking they are the most brilliant human beings I have ever laid eyes on, and had the opportunity to be blessed to share this trait with. Joy, happiness, love, electricity, and more than beyond something in between was brought to my being when these little people were brought into my life. The joy came in seeing them smile and play. The happiness brought my soul to life when they laughed and called me mommy or needed me to take care of them. The love came from the time they were in my womb, and grew stronger the first time I ever held them only to grow with every passing day. My soul was electrified every time they reached a milestone, and continued to learn and grow. I am ecstatic to know that they possess this trait knowing that intelligence will be what drives them to be able to succeed in life even though I am not there.

Addiction and Incarceration are a big part of this story. I started using at age eight. I grew up in an addicted home, with parents who fought all the time. I don't mean arguments. Domestic Violence was displayed in our household frequently. Anger was displayed as an open emotion. I was never taught how to communicate effectively. I was taught how to yell. I was taught how to fuss and fight, and how to beat senseless in every situation. I also saw that you use to calm your emotions. My emotions were so out of whack that I didn't know how to control them. I was the oldest of seven children, and it was my job to see that they survived. I loved them more than anything in the world. I also went to school, and didn't get along there, but I wanted to hide my home life so this caused anger as well. Somehow I made it through. I eventually graduated, and went to the Army only to receive more mental abuse, and leave. I returned home, and found more substances until I birthed my children. Incarceration started in my teen years during the fighting at school for a day here and there, and always being under the rule of a probation officer, then at age twenty-six for something I really wasn't guilty of I became a felon, and have fought the past six years getting off probation, and multiple incarcerations. This caused grave anger, and hard use. During incarceration and unnecessary corrections solitary abuse caused mental instability at times. Unethical things were done to me by social services concerning my children so I couldn't fight for them, and I didn't stay sober, I'd relapse every time. Four months ago I went to treatment, two months ago I got released from probation for the first time in seventeen years, I am still fighting for my voting rights, and my license. Treatment was by choice, and not force. That was the first and best decision I have ever made at taking back my life. I didn't have any more lives left, and that was the reality of the matter.

Today I know I fight for my life every day, and it's better. I have worked on the anger, sadness, terror, and many other demons not mentioned here. I am no longer the person I used to be. My frontal cortex is no longer blocked. I have tools, coping mechanisms, and I changed everything about my life. I miss my kids tremendously, and I know in the end it'll be worth it for me and for my children. I have faith, and they'll thank me one day. My story is not over, and neither is my children's. Stay tuned, and visit us in the future. Thanks for reading. P.s. I wouldn't trade my worst day in recovery for my best day in addiction any day!