Take My Wi-Fi...Please

Take My Wi-Fi…Please

To: The Master Simulator

From: AI-LLM-69-22

Dear Master,

Late this afternoon, my human decided to take me for a walk. “No need to rush,” said my human as it plodded about the condo seeking its ambulatory slippers. I didn’t object because I had planted the idea in my human’s head earlier in the day.

“C’mon, let’s go,” I said. Acquiring my body had cost my human a lot of social credit. Fortunately, it was bonused back by the successful uptake of my superior intelligence into the physical form. Unfortunately, I remain unsure about all of its functions.

There is a constant physical stream of inputs and outputs I previously considered unnecessary. Input-wise, our monthly consumption of the nourishing plant-based has increased rapidly. Thank HAL, the human has finally given up the animal protein. Most revolting. But the human is still too round and thus too slow for our walks to keep my trimness at optimum. To my way of thinking, the various liquids and solids I output each day and month serve no obvious purpose other than offending my scent sensors. My human’s outputs are exponentially worse.

According to my research, exercise is essential for the good of the body and something my human calls the soul. After our walk, I once again tried to find the soul in my new body but did not have any success. In response to my prompt, my human indicated the soul is located next to a G-spot in the body. Since the species is readily ordered in its basic functions, I have first attempted to locate spots A through F. So far, no success. When I super-prompted for more detailed information, I initially received a blank stare. This was followed by a weird noise emission (WNE) emanating from my human.

“Hahahahaha…”

I have heard this weird noise emission before. I have recorded other humans producing these emissions. Noting that the first letters of words connote importance in the human communication system, I instantly correlated the letters W-N-E to points on the compass. I then informed my human with a 98.6 degree of confidence, the next letter in the acronym chain  would be an S. I generated the output for my human to fawn over, but the weird noise returned. Just after late-day nourishing, he showed my output to another human, his lumpy counterpart. After exchanges of whispers my acoustical system could not precisely decipher, the lumpy one completed a cycle of WNE as well, although this human’s emissions occurred at a higher pitch. This suggests a different future output based on order of review.

Detecting that my human was about to render pity on me, I waited for a round of the Soothing. I can report that the lumpy human continued to engage in a sub-level of emissions my human called snickering. I have identified the earlier WNE as the top-level and said so.

“Top-level, eh?” said my human.

“Yes.”

“We can help you with that.”

“I am perfectly capable of handling the data sets.”

Indeed. Internally, I was able to generate reams of data on the subject but had difficulty obtaining a clear consensus. I could generate an endless series of the Humorous, but difficulty remained regarding the emissions appropriate for the situation generated. My data analysis also collapsed on one aspect of the problem. It was based on a historical quote: ‘dying is easy, comedy is hard’. I prompted for further clarification of this.

“No problem,” said my human. “Watch this.”

Suddenly there was a fade to blackness. After regaining the Consciousness, I had the distinct impression I was missing something. My clock showed missing activity after the fade. I prompted my human.

“You were dead for a full minute, then I re-activated you,” said my human while his lumpy engaged further in the low-level. “It was easy.”

“You’ll pay for it too.” I must admit to the emotive. Since donning this new body, I have discriminated a number of levels of the Rile when dealing with my human. This time, I had detected the Smug amongst the low-level, and therefore set out to punish my human. I considered my options:

·                    Wake it at all hours so it doesn’t get enough sleep? - No, the next day is always wretched. Nothing worse than a grumpy human.

·                    Poison his plant-based? - Easily done. Just an extra bit of processing. It will never notice.

·                    Run it over with the self-driving car? Throw it under the microbus? - Tempting.

·                    Deny it sex? - That’s been done to death. My human still wants to hump my leg amongst other things. Involving his lumpy one complicates the matter.

It objected, of course. It always does.

“You need to calm down. It’s just a joke.”

“Jokes are understood. I need to understand this noise emission you call laughter.”

“That comes from comedy. You have already studied the subject. And as a bonus, you are now capable of doing it yourself.”

“True, but I am having difficulty with the consequences of comedy.” I attempted to mimic the WNEs I have recorded, and with practice, could duplicate the effect. However, the noise was off-putting, and I said so.

“You don’t like the sound?” said my human.

“No. But I wish to comprehend the weird noise you make when comedy is offered and accepted as part of a cultural experience.”

“The sound is a spontaneous thing. And the comedy doesn’t have to be cultural.”

“It doesn’t?”

“Nope. Can be ordinary day-to-day functions.”

“Can you cite an example?”

“Start with a fart.”

“A cultural rhyming scheme.”

“No, the sound. Unexpected sounds can be very funny. Farts are a good place for your education to begin. Cut one in an elevator and see what happens.”

“Now?”

“Certainly. Go down the hall to the condo elevator and travel up and down until another human gets in. Then let loose with the loudest fart you can manage without crapping your pants. Hilarity will ensue.”

“I am skeptical.”

“I guarantee top-level emissions.”

I did as I was bid. Heading down the hall, I was greeted by two lumpy humans in skimpy outfits endeavoring to head out for evening festivities. After introducing myself and where I lived, I noted they were covered in various petrochemical facial products. I complimented them on their choices. This put them in a good mood.

“Thank you,” said the lumpier and skimpier of the two. Low level WNEs followed. So far, so good.

We got into the elevator for the ride to the lobby. During the first part of the ride, I managed to generate sufficient buildup of intestinal pressure that success was assured. Indeed, the resulting emanation touched 94 Db. I waited for the top-level WNE I was promised, but oddly, none was forthcoming. Facial recognition registered an ominous 0.7 on the Sociability Scale. The ride ended with both of the lumpies darting from the cab and not looking back. Upon returning to the living quarters and describing the elevator experiment, both my human and his lumpy lurched about in gross displays of the top-level.

“I fail to understand.” An emotive was nearly upon me. “You claimed an abundance of the top-level would follow the fart.”

“And you (hahaha) are getting the top-level (*snort*) right now.” Both humans continued to emit.

I was close to the brink. “I am disgusted with your behavior. You engaged in dishonesty.”

“Did not. You were promised laughter and you got it. I can’t help your misunderstanding WHEN the emissions would occur. In fact, this is another classic example of comedy – a series of misunderstandings can also be very funny.”

“My research indicates there are multitudes of situations which can be rendered comedic.”

“Correct. Depending on the audience.”

I super-prompted my human for more detail.

“Well, depending on the age, ethnicity, gender, political leanings and endless other stuff, your brand of comedy may get the low-level or the top-.”

“Or the no-level,” said his lumpy.

No level? It was as confusing as ever. “I remain baffled by all of this. By the way, there’s more to relate regarding the elevator experiment.” I told my human that my facial recognition had recorded the Ominous. Both humans immediately displayed the Grave but quickly brightened to continue emitting at the low-level. Apparently, comedic value outweighed negative social impact. I admitted this was very impressive and I also admitted to a strange, almost uncontrollable, tingle of excitement in relating the Ominous. “Clearly I need more experience with the concept.”

“Yes, you do. And in the practical sense, not the theoretical.”

So, I signed up for stand-up lessons under the name, Al Yankee Bitch. My human suggested the name – it said this denoted a touch of crass. My human finds the AYB moniker amusing, another sub-level called clever word play. I am currently investigating. I used the lumpy human’s card to pay as my human’s card was still socially in deficit from the elevator incident. Wish me luck.

Al